to think maybe its ok and actually quite normal to not have close friends?

[Anothernameschange]

Read a lot of posts on here about friends not being genuine, caring, on there as good time friends etc etc and seeing all the expectations of lifelong close friendships I've realised I don't actually have many...if any I could categorise as the seeing regularly /almost like family category that other people have.

Now don't get me wrong I am not trying to do a woe is me post - though I would be lying if I said this has never upset me - but now that I'm older, almost 40 and handling a small family etc I realise I struggle to find the time to see even one friend regularly let alone a big group like you see on social media.

So my thought is that maybe now, esp post covid, people in my situation don't have friends and actually its more common than most people think.

Yes but the problem is finding a day that everyone can do...once people have kids and other family commitments, it becomes difficult...so, who can do next Saturday, oh I'm taking mum shopping in the afternoon, what about next Sunday, oh I'm taking ds to the football...etc

Yes, but what you’re describing has nothing to do with a ‘deep friendship’. I’m 52, have close friends, but have never in my life gone on a ‘girls’ weekend’, am not much of a one for ‘advice and support’, and only disclose as much of my private life as I’m comfortable with. Close friendships don’t have some kind of obligation for total disclosure, acting like a helpline or room-sharing! My close friends are just people whose company I really enjoy.

I think this is definitely an issue generally as people get older and have commitments, but I see it as worth the effort. I moved away from where the majority of my friends live last year so I do have to be even more intentional about making plans, but I don’t see it as an ordeal as ultimately it’s what I want to do.

Good for you.

Yes, my only relative who lives close to me is my dsis...and it's great, we can just say, oh I'm on my way to the supermarket, I'll pop in for a quick coffee as I'm passing you, or I'm taking kids to the park down the road, do you want to come. It's really nice and I feel lucky to have that

I’ve always taken the view that close friendships should be nurtured in the same way as romantic relationships. It requires effort.

I have a few close friends, one who I speak to almost every day as we go to the gym together. We all have busy lives but it doesn’t take much to drop them a text to tell them I love them or to arrange a coffee or dog walk.

I envy my father who has a large group of friends he met through a hobby 40 years ago. Since my mum died, they’ve supported him and he has a very active social life with them.

Family life these days seems so much more full on than 20 to 30 years ago. My experience of this is because blended families are so large and visiting people and keeping up with family takes far more time these days that it ever did when I was a lot younger.

My own adult DD is part of such a blended family and so is her husband. Therefore, the two sets of grandparents is actually now four, the uncles and aunties which I know can be different depending on the number of full siblings is now nine sets.

Added into all of this is the fact that her family is now spread not only far and wide in the UK but also all across the world. When I was a kid, my grandparents all lived in the same town as did most of my family. Anyone that have moved abroad well that was that other than maybe a letter. And anyone that had moved out of county we saw maybe once a year if that.

The reason that I write all the above is that DD feels badly that her friendships are pushed to one side frequently in favour of meeting up with grandparents et cetera. Any friendships she does have are those that are probably within a 5 mile radius of where she lives and therefore travelling to see them will meet up locally is easier.

DD struggles to find time at the weekends for her family to be alone, I didn’t realise how bad it was until she showed me her diary, working all week everyone needs some downtime and it was really obvious that her and her DH barely got any time alone together. I said she should set in stone time for them alone but she said whenever they got to that time there was always something they needed to do family wise and it got pushed to one side and that her friendships got pushed aside even more.

The knock on of all of this is that in the end people don’t bother with people that don’t bother and then things drift which is a real shame. They keep in touch on social media, but the truth of the matter is it’s not really keeping in touch. It’s just knowing what each other is getting up to.

Same here. I value and am very grateful for my small group of close friends.

I think it depends on what you want. I'm sociable and have a very close family, but also pretty self reliant and I very much enjoy my own company. I do have friends, some I've known for over fifty years, but I've never felt I needed a best friend and don't really feel I've ever needed that sort of support. I meet up with various friends from time to time but I don't feel the need to be in any closer contact.

I have a few people I would call friends, but I purposely keep them at a casual level (brew or a dog walk once a month sort of thing )

having had a few more intense close friends over the years, and been so horribly treated by them, for my own mental health I don’t wish to do it again.

it is worth knowing that I am an introvert, I prefer my own company, but with a 4 day a week job and a family, it’s hard enough to get a few hours peace

weather I am normal or not I dread to think- but I am happy, and I think taking on more friends to be normal would be overwhelming to me.

I am a person who wants to share interesting things when I encounter them. Although I don’t have many friends now, there are always a few who I keep in touch with. I can imagine how boring I would be if I didn’t have someone to share with.

I don't think it's normal or healthy to have no friends at all apart from your husband & kids.

This was my mother & when her marriage & life hit a major unexpected crises she literally had noone other than me & my siblings & honestly it was awful.

She was in her 50s then & is now in her 70s & she has managed to make some friends in those years but it hasn't been easy for her or us to get her to that place.

I have a large number of friends of varying levels of degree & I value each & every one of them. I work in a really interesting creative sector & I regularly meet incredibly interesting people & I feel very lucky that I can connect easily & many close & supportive friendships have formed & remained true over many years

I also have friends who I've known pretty much my whole life & we're in our 50s now. They're like sisters to me.

I'm in daily contact with several friends via WhatsApp & we meet as often as we can.

My life is hugely enriched by these friends & I would be sad to lose them.

I work full time, have a dh whom I'm v v close to & young adult dc in university

I also have an area of special interest where I meet people both online & in real life & we have this in common & some lovely friendships from that

My world would be so small without friends

I have siblings that im really close to, i think this is one reason why i have fewer close friends - i don't need them, and i'll also tend to prioritise my sisters - what limited time i have is for them

When dh died my friends were literal life-savers for me and ds. I will never forget the wave of love and care that broke over us and surrounded us at that time. I agree though that it's also quite possible to make new friends in a later stage of life, tbh probably easier if you have sadly lost a partner as you have more time. Nothing has to be forever with humans, if you want friends it's possible to find them, though in my case I suppose I've always preferred a big circle of less close friends to one or two besties.

I think it's normal in that it's something that has become commonplace. I don't think it's a good thing though as so many people are lonely and unsupported.

I've found that I'm competing with my friends children's hobbies and visiting relatives. I'm always trying, keeping asking and suggesting things but it feels a bit like swimming upstream.

I can see why people give up and decide to get into the I'm happy with just my little family mindset because you're fighting against a norm. I don't think that approach is healthy or in my DCs best interests though. I want them to have the chance to develop social skills and that needs modelling.

Honestly, it may be increasingly common for people to have no friends OP but its not normal or healthy and honestly it worries me that it's often normalised on here.

Some people do genuinely struggle with friendships and they deserve compassion and support but that doesn't mean that it's healthy or that its an optimal way to run life.

There's two phenomena here which alarm me: one is a lot of people these days put far too much weight on friendships being perfect and expect every friend they have to be a BFF and then become distressed and flounce if this person fails to live up to ideal expectations, deleting and blocking all over the place. It's childish and hopelessly unrealistic to drop people because they aren't able to speak to you every night at 3am when you're having a crisis.

The other more alarming phenonenon is the "I don't need anything apart from my little family" trend. I've lost count of the posts I've seen (and there are some on here) from people who believe that they only need their husband and children). It's very dangerous to rely on a small group of other people for all your emotional and social stimulation. It creates over-dependency and diminishes perspective. It makes your life smaller.

The people who believe they "only need DH" often lose the ability to communicate normally with other adults and become isolated and stultified in their social life, eventually drifting into social anxiety. And they are invariably the people who end up 20 years on lonely and unable to cope if and when their marriages break down.

It worries me a lot that its become fashionable to aspire this sort of self-styled 'introversion' and celebrate this insular life and I think as a society we need to do a lot more to shake ourselves out of it. People need people to thrive.

I don’t know how people who work and have kids at school are avoiding making friends. I am an introvert and work from home alone, and I don’t go out in the evening more than once a fortnight, but I make a new good friend at least once every year or two. If you talk to the people you encounter, how do you avoid clicking with some of them?

Everyone is different
I have 2 groups of close friends,1 school friends and 1 Uni friends
I am also very close to my sisters
These relationships are very important to me ,we have had some fantastic times together,and also supported each other through some difficult times
But I appreciate some people are happier to mainly be with their partner

@UninterestingFirstPost

I don’t know how people who work and have kids at school are avoiding making friends.

I think a lot of people turn this into an art form, tbh: they are almost looking to be rejected to reinforce their sense that everyone is out to get them.

The "school mums" posts are instructive: 9 time out of 10 they are based on someone having failed to smile and wave at school drop off and get extrapolated out to a huge diplomatic incident which leads to the OP wailing about how school mums are all "cliquey bitches". It's all pretty paranoid stuff.

Part of the problem is that people lose their "social muscle" if they don't go out much and when they are forced to interact with others they become really guarded and defensive and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Everyone hates me, I don't care etc etc.

It's honestly very unhealthy.

i don't really, (am 46) though I do have quite a lot of friendly acquaintances - school mum types and also some people from my sport

have good relationships with a few colleagues. We go to lunch and stuff but I still wouldn’t call them close friends

to me this seems normal. I did have close friends years ago and I suppose they still count but they all live miles away (or abroad) so I see them once a year at best

this feels normal and ok to me but yes it’s a bit sad.

I think it is important to invest in meaningful friendships & not lose yourself in your husband & children- although I know it is hard when the children are little. But you need people in your life who see you as a person outwith your family. The Mumsnet ‘I just care about my little family’ approach seems so regressive & reductive to me - I’m not just a wife & mother.

It is more common but I think part of that is an extension of what we see a lot of here where women (and some men) rely just on their OH for friendship and emotional support which is fantastic until they break up or one of them dies.

it’s not helped by the fact that certain friendships are practically forbidden in society

I have several good friends, some from school and others from uni. I have very friendly with a few people from work, but tbh I don't put a lot of effort in because I already have close friends, but if I did put in the effort I could develop those relationships.
Everyone I know has close friends. I think it's really important to have friends so that you can mutually support each other.
I think it's sad when I read on here someone who has zero support network and their child might have to go into foster care as they need an operation. People just don't go out of their way to make friends. It does take time and effort but it's usually worth it in the end.

Totally. It's so depressing.

This topic comes up regularly on here. It always makes me sad when people make out that a woman with no friends must be very weird and unlikable.

I don't really have any proper friends. I always had very close friends throughout school and in my early 20s. I actually used to make friends really easily.

There are probably quite a few factors in why I've ended up without friends.

I was in a very abusive relationship in my early 20s, it absolutely destroyed any confidence I had and I also lost a number of friends either because they took his side or they didn't believe me. One of those situations where you find out who your real friends are.

I don't drink and a lot of my friends were only interested in going out drinking. When I stopped I didn't fit in with them anymore.

Found out later on in life that I'm autistic. Probably explains a lot too.

I have a sister that I'm close to and I get on really well with my work colleagues, I gave a couple of colleagues that I've known for 20+ years, we go for coffee occasionally and they could drop by my house anytime in and emergency and vice versa. But we don't go out regularly or go to the gym/theatre or anything.

I'm really guarded these days because I'm scared of bringing rejected or ghosted so I don't make an effort to try and make new friends anymore.