to think maybe its ok and actually quite normal to not have close friends?

[Anothernameschange]

Read a lot of posts on here about friends not being genuine, caring, on there as good time friends etc etc and seeing all the expectations of lifelong close friendships I've realised I don't actually have many...if any I could categorise as the seeing regularly /almost like family category that other people have.

Now don't get me wrong I am not trying to do a woe is me post - though I would be lying if I said this has never upset me - but now that I'm older, almost 40 and handling a small family etc I realise I struggle to find the time to see even one friend regularly let alone a big group like you see on social media.

So my thought is that maybe now, esp post covid, people in my situation don't have friends and actually its more common than most people think.

I have a similar circumstance OP except my only close friend is my sister! And in honesty I don’t tell her everything either (some topics have had a history of being too sensitive to discuss).

I think it does take effort though to keep in contact and between work, family life, errands, finances, health to name a few, I don’t have extra time. I don’t mind so much I have always been a lone wolf and prefer to unwind without people around.

Even without divorce, it surprises me that people do that. I've heard it said that marriage counsellors are increasingly finding that because people have no friends, they expect more from their partner than is reasonable.

You have friends though, right?

my friends were initially pretty much the same even after getting married and having children but I still think it was lockdown that ended those relationships. They went into "my little family" mode and they love it. I don't think they will change when the children have left home or whatever. I think they will after kids at uni, kids will be more likely to live at home when they start their careers etc etc

I don't think it's a coincidence that friendship is on the decline and people seem to be getting... less emotionally stable, shall we say, with every passing day!

I don't think it's ok or normal

@EmeraldRoulette I have a few friends but not enough as I have moved around a bit. Lots of acquaintances.I am working at making more friends.
I guess I have more time for it now.

I think it's important to put effort into friendships. I've got friends who live nearby and friends who live abroad, and I always make time to speak with them and vice versa. Friends close by come around for dinner usually at least once a fortnight, friends further away we plan meet ups several times a year. I video call friends abroad regularly and I'm currently hosting my best friend (who lives in the US) until the end of the month. I speak to her daily when she's away, always have done. I can't imagine not having a friend to chat to even via text every day.

I really value friendships. It would be easy to not bother because I'm busy, but if a dinner, text, or video call keeps an important friendship alive, then I'm more than willing to do it. And obviously, I enjoy it, too! I wouldn't put effort in for people who bored me, or didn't match my own efforts.

Yes, though that seems in part to be because on Mn, there’s a peculiar definition of friends as ‘people I know but don’t much like, and who cause endless drama’.

@Lentilweaver hope it goes well for you

The same as if your friends moved away, stopped being available, fell out with you etc. You’d make new friends.

Being single lends itself to friendships, after all, you’re leaning on each other as you don’t have a partner. But if one of you gets a partner, the friendships often fades.

It’s ok to have 1000 friends and it’s ok to have none. What’s important is that you’re authentically you (not trying to be to be someone you’re not just for a “friend”) and genuinely happy.

@BooomShakeTheRoom "You’d make new friends"

you make it sound so easy! The amount of people who are like MNers IRL is shocking.

I'm another who wound up here due to not having friends.

I don’t think it’s so much women deliberately cutting themselves off, it’s stages of life, if you move somewhere where none of your friends from school or university live, and work friendships tend to fizzle out when you move jobs. You might make soulmate friends with other mums when you have small children, but perhaps you don’t click in that way or you try and arrange meet ups but they’re not that bothered, the kids go to different schools, you meet other school mums and they’re nice - but maybe they haven’t got time or energy to socialise much, even if you do…
So friendships inevitably stay casual/ and/or ong-distance for many people, unless you get lucky or have lived in the same area all your life. There aren’t always people wanting to put their own ‘emotional eggs’ in your basket!

I have women in my life who I enjoy spending time with in various contexts. No ‘friends’ as such. My DH of 30 years is my best friend and I’m close to my adult children. I’m happy with that.

Yes I dont understand the drama bit! I have never had drama with any friend. We have just drifted apart.

I have had many toxic friendships in my life, I thought I had finally in my 40s found a group of women who would be my group of very close friends. But they started acting a little strangely then I found out they all caught up without me. Maybe it’s just something I’m doing wrong 🤷‍♀️. I don’t want to make a big deal, but I am planning to distance myself a bit, stay friends but not be as close.

After what felt like heart brake I don’t know if I want close friends anymore. So I can understand how some people give up on having a best friend type relationship.

I agree

I tried to have a close number of friends, but I would say I have generally failed.
I have 2 friends I can message and are actually interested in me and my life at least, even if I don’t see them loads.
I’ve lost so many along the way, one who dumped everyone and reinvented herself, one who listened to someone’s lies. I lost a load when DH was unwell, people show themselves up when you are in crisis.
I also was a bit down a year ago and decided I was going to stop chasing people and making all the effort, never heard from a lot of these people again.

I would have disagreed with you wholeheartedly a few years ago. I had a large group of friends, some as close as my own family. I would have done anything for them, often did, and I thought they would too.

Then I had the nerve to have a disabled daughter. And a significant drop in income.

Every single one vanished, ghosted or managed me out of their lives so quickly I couldn't believe it was real.

I miss the nights out sometimes, but have come to accept that a lot of what I thought was friendship was just me listening to others woes and regularly inconveniencing myself but not expecting the same help.

Now I am quite happy and content with our small family. Sometimes my world feels small, but at least it is real.

@GooseberryBeret yes I know and as I said, I have moved around a lot. I didn't go to school in the UK myself. But I just find the " My husband is my best friend and I dont need anyone else " position quite odd.

There are so many things I dont want to talk about with my husband. Menopause, for one!

In real life I don’t know anyone without friends and a social life. I read about it on here but I cannot equate that to people I see at work, in my neighbourhood, at the school gate.

Friends, community, a human network, are core to what makes me tick. I can’t imagine investing time and effort into making human connections, including navigating the inevitable rough patches that come with being close to someone. Surely we should forgive people flaws and bad moments because the overall sum of being close to a person is most definitely worth it.

I don't have close friends and that's been the case for most of my life. I am content with the situation and I spend all my time focused on my interests and family, and I don't want to cut into that time for other people. I don't like the effort you need to put into friendships and I'm a very independent person, and financially secure so I am less likely to need to call on friendships to help me and I don't feel I miss out by not having close friends. I'm a private person and emotionally strong so I've never been in a situation where I'd want someone to talk to when I'm upset, and I expect I never would. I would say DH is my best friend and I would rather spend my time with him than anyone else. But then again I don't tell him everything and I would be able to manage emotionally if our marriage ended. You just deal with what life gives you and I don't see the need to give up a lot of my time just in case that might happen.

I have acquaintances who are fun for company sometimes, but I don't need to put much work into them and I wouldn't be depending on them for anything, and that's enough social contact for me.

I have friends but like PPs have said, it's a couple of meet ups to catch up on life. Not like my Mum or Grandma were with their friends. I wonder if it is because we are having DC later so have less family support to look after DC, or women need to work more so there's less of catching up when DC is in school. I'm quite introverted so I get enough interaction with catching up with friends every couple of months and chatting to school mum acquaintances and my hobbies are solitary but I can imagine this would be depressing for an extrovert.

This is me. Husband, mum, sister and kids. I don’t need anyone else and to be honest I don’t care enough to maintain a friendship with anyone else. I’m happy as I am.

I've got old friends I see a couple of times a year, but no-one close to me locally that I would share problems with. I don't really have time or committment for that kind of friendship since I had kids and wouldn't have the headspace or time to help and support someone else that way. DH is my best friend and I have other family around who I get on well with.

My family are my best friends. I have a couple of friends but we’re not that close. I’m perfectly happy.

My DD is moving out next month and I am dreading her going. I love DH very much but I really miss having a friend I could go to a movie with and just have a laugh with from time to time. We moved eight years ago to a rural area that is very insular and it is nigh on impossible to make new friends. Plus, I work from home. You need a network of relationships and life is very lonely without them.

I don’t have any either, I know people but I don’t have a friend I can call if I want to go for a coffee or have a chat etc. I have my small family, I’m perfectly fine with it , in fact I’ve been around people for so long in my previous jobs that I cannot stand listening to 🐂 and nod in agreement anymore 😂I see through them in the first 5 minutes, 90% are not genuine and I’m too old and bored for fakery