to think maybe its ok and actually quite normal to not have close friends?

[Anothernameschange]

Read a lot of posts on here about friends not being genuine, caring, on there as good time friends etc etc and seeing all the expectations of lifelong close friendships I've realised I don't actually have many...if any I could categorise as the seeing regularly /almost like family category that other people have.

Now don't get me wrong I am not trying to do a woe is me post - though I would be lying if I said this has never upset me - but now that I'm older, almost 40 and handling a small family etc I realise I struggle to find the time to see even one friend regularly let alone a big group like you see on social media.

So my thought is that maybe now, esp post covid, people in my situation don't have friends and actually its more common than most people think.

Friendships evolve.

In my teens and 20s I had close friends who I saw a lot. But partners, work, family etc., started to take centre stage. So at your age, late thirties, I was probably feeling the same as you.

Now I am early 60s and it's gone full circle. Some childhood friendships have been rekindled after many years, new friendships have been made through school etc. And having a slightly slower pace of life, WFH, self employment etc., has made it easier to find regular time to meet up.

I think you’ll find that majority of people that do not have friends they have a very close supportive family, and that doesn’t mean husband only but parents, siblings etc

I have no friends who message me regularly, other than a small WhatsApp group for work. The person I consider my closest friend I see every 6 weeks or so. I have another couple of friends that I see twice a year.

I wish I could make closer friendships but I’m just bad at it! I think I am fairly unusual and most people seem to have better support networks.

I do have a supportive dh but not much family that I am close to.

I've always preferred deep and proper friendships and as such prefer 'a best friend ' as opposed to 'lots of friends '. I also can't see much point in superficial friendships where you don't share anything personal and it's all quite surface level. You can't ever fully trust anyone that's not emotionally invested in you. The only people I find that are ever going to wholeheartedly properly and deeply care about you are probably your parents and children (and that's if you're lucky to have normal/emotionally healthy parents ) I don't think you can expect that level of sacrifice and deep care from friendships. I love my best friend to bits and care deeply about her - but my children/nuclear family are my priority and hers are for her- we respect and understand that. I think you have to be realistic about how much a friend can truly give.

Not sure whether it's normal or not, but my close friends are a huge part of my life - various individuals and groups, known for 5-40+ years

Happily married, 2 great kids and close to family, but friends bring a different dimension.

I love them dearly, they make me laugh & smile, I love spending time with them, going out, staying in & on holidays, I am very grateful I have people I can call on any time I need and they will be there for me

Just to add, my mum was widowed in her late fifties, and made really close friends after that, including other women in her village who were divorced or widowed, as well as reconnecting with old friends.
It’s not inevitable that if you don’t have super close friends now that you couldn’t at a later stage in life.

Not in my experience. I think everyone should have at least a couple of friends, and a life away from their family. It's not healthy to be so relient on one person.

If people don’t mind and don’t want them then that’s up to them. personally I adore having close friends. Marriages break down, parents and spouses die and children get their own lives.

I don’t know how common it is but I find it really sad. My closest friends don’t take up lots of time and don’t necessarily live close so that I can see them often. But I know I can talk to them about literally anything and still be loved. My life would be very bleak without them.

This! Absolutely, I think you've articulated exactly what I was trying to say.
If I think back to 2014 I had A LOT more friends, yes life was very different but I had so many more people I would connect with but perhaps they weren't v.close but I'm saddened that they never ended up being that way. COVID definitely had a huge impact on habits formed to meet people so that after just didn't bother.
I've spent a lot of time on this forum and id argue it might not be so healthy to read all these post about cutting off friendships because somebody hasn't responded to your text in a timely manner or call and therefore they don't actually like you so you can dump them...all ends up a bit lonely.
Though I get on with some members of family im not especially close to anyone so I do miss friendships where you can safely discuss anything.

Wow One of my best friends is living in SE Asia and me in England. We still meet up about 3 or 4 times a year.

I’m at the point where I don’t really have any friends, I have a complicated life where I am a carer. I just don’t feel I have anything left to give to friends.

100%. I have a lot of friends, as I’m pretty social and I really value them, they are hugely important to me.

Kids grow up, move out, sometimes
relationships end. But your lifelong friends will still be there. I have 3 friends from school, known each other over 40yrs. Even though i’ve moved away, they are still a big part of my life. My local friends i’d say are more casual friends, apart from one who I became very close to (keys to each others places, someone I can always rely on), sadly she is dying from cancer. It’s made me realise how important my friends are to me. They make my life a lot better.

Why is it effort to see your friends?
I love my friends!

How odd to describe a day with your friends as an “ordeal”.

OP- no I don’t think it’s normal, or healthy, to not have friends, or for your only friend to be your DH. Time and again on here we see women whose marriage has broken down or whose DH has cheated or some other awful thing, trapped in the marriage because they have no friends or anywhere to turn.

My friends are the loves of my life- they were here before I met DP and whilst I am sure he and I are forever, if we’re not they’ll be here once he’s gone. I couldn’t imagine navigating life without them.

I have a few mates where I live, which I've made in the 7 years since we've lived in this town. I then have one old friend from a former work place - we've known each other for 15 years and meet up about twice a year. And another friend from a former work place - we have a catch up via Teams when we can (we live hours from one another).
I enjoy surface level friendships. I like a bit of easy chat, a catch up, a laugh - but don't want to tell anyone about the inns and outs of my private life. In my 41 years on this earth, I've never needed anyone's advice or support with anything. I would find a deep friendship suffocating and wouldn't like the expectations it would potentially put on me. I'd hate to do something like a girls weekend away, and couldn't share a room for £1m! I need my space!

This place is wild sometimes.

I meant organising it is an ordeal....not the actual day.

I don't think that simply being 40 and having a small family stops most people having friends, so no I wouldn't say it's common. But if you are OK with it then it's fine!

Yes I get you @Comedycook. Many of my friends have also moved out of London and organising to see them is an ordeal. And some have elderly parents ( that's coming my way soon).
I am cheered by pp who said she knows people in their fifties still making friends. Hope that's me as I would certainly like more.
The idea of only hanging out with my DH and kids is deeply suffocating to me. My only sibling lives overseas and my mum- whom I adore- is 80 this year.

I think it's interesting that so many people are too busy and tired to see friends...it makes me wonder if when we do see friends it's too formal and organised....it shouldn't be such a big deal that it drains us. I wonder if let's say you had a few friends who lived nearby literally on the surrounding streets and you pop in for a twenty minute coffee and a catch up? Or you're popping to the shop at the same time as them so you walk together and have a chat. Small interactions maybe would be better than having to arrange bigger social occasions which take longer and require more planning.

In my twenties, my friends and I lived our lives together...now our lives are separate and we just occasionally catch up to discuss them.

@Comedycook i love this- sums it up exactly. And I know what you mean about weekends becoming harder to organise. I was supposed to be seeing some school friends next weekend - only weekend everyone could do for 3 months. Now someone’s ex is being a dick and she has to take her son to a really important football tournament so we need to find another date- I absolutely think she’s making the right decision but everyone has so many other commitments that it can be really hard to coordinate diaries.

I voted YANBU, I have one friend I meet for coffee once every 6 months or so, and that's it other than family and colleagues. I'm an introvert and I like it that way.

But when DH and I went through rocky patch last year and considered separating I realised I would quickly become lonely.

Apologies I misread that bit of your message.

I still think there is no issue with “setting a whole day aside” to see friends though- that sounds great to me!

My husband left me last year completely out of the blue after 25 years marriage. I wouldn't have survived simply without my friends, close or otherwise.

Yes I've always thought this. DH and I don't live near family or old friends. My parents, his parents, and our siblings all live hours away or overseas (scattered in different directions), so every meet up requires an overnight stay. We then have old friends in N London (4 hours away), Norfolk (7 hours away) and Cornwall (4 hours away).
It's just too much on top of work. I'd kill to pop in for a cup of tea with mum for 20 minutes, twice a week (but obviously not enough to uproot myself from the life we've created elsewhere).