to think maybe its ok and actually quite normal to not have close friends?

[Anothernameschange]

Read a lot of posts on here about friends not being genuine, caring, on there as good time friends etc etc and seeing all the expectations of lifelong close friendships I've realised I don't actually have many...if any I could categorise as the seeing regularly /almost like family category that other people have.

Now don't get me wrong I am not trying to do a woe is me post - though I would be lying if I said this has never upset me - but now that I'm older, almost 40 and handling a small family etc I realise I struggle to find the time to see even one friend regularly let alone a big group like you see on social media.

So my thought is that maybe now, esp post covid, people in my situation don't have friends and actually its more common than most people think.

Seems by this thread that most people don't have them

There Are different sort of friends though. I have a really good friend I only see once a year. Then a couple of good mates in work who I might see outside of work occasionally, I have a monthly meet up with friends from when kids were babies and we were in a post natal group.

I don’t have real ‘ride or die’ friendships like I did when I was a teen or even a student in a shared house. Then, we were very wrapped up in each other’s lives. Now seeing a friend requires organisation and time.

As we get older our networks change and we have less time for friends when we have kids. I do think that if myself and DH split up I would be lonely. My kids are grown up and live away. However I would try and make new friends and I always have my dog!

I think it's important to have connections. I have several people I call friend and who I would be able to call in an emergency. But I only have one friend who is truly interested in my day to day and engages frequently. The majority of people are caught up in their own lives .......

I used to organise regular get togethers of a group of friends before the lock downs. Occasionally one of the other group members would organise something but there were a couple of complete passengers. To me, the social code is, as with round buying and giving and taking car lifts, it's give and take, that anyone benefiting from a get together, also needs to put in and organise sometimes. I got fed up and dropped the reins to see what happened. 1 or 2 organised meals for a while etc but the get togethers quickly dwindled away. The passengers kept contacting me to suggest I organise something but when I politely suggested they did as I was busy, just look as though it had never crossed their mind. These are grown arse women, perfectly capable of organising work functions etc. When you are adult, it's not enough to repeatedly just turn up when invited, You have to put active effort in too in order to maintain friendships and I don't think a lot of people grasp that.

I'm definitely a passenger...i don't organise anything but it's not because I can't be bothered but because I'm terrified of rejection

So am I

I agree it’s really important to have connections and a network

This is me. I was always the organiser. Have stopped now so no one ever meets. They just communicate via emojis on social media. Have left them to it and found some other groups where people actually step up.
As for the being terrified of rejection bit, everyone's terrrified of rejection.

But friendships don’t have to involve ‘drinks and nights out’ if you don’t want them to. I have friends I go hillwalking with, friends I might meet for a coffee midday on days when we’re both WFH, friends I only see if we go on holidays together because they live in France, but talk often, friends who will come over for dinner on a weeknight and eat whatever we’re having, friends I mostly see volunteering etc. Everyone’s busy, but it doesn’t have to involve some huge group ‘night out’ commitment, unless that’s what you like.

Well, it sounds like you cut off your nose to spite your face to me.

? Why would you think that, Its tiring being the organiser the whole time, you lose respect for the passengers and resentment creeps in. I've made a conscious decision to match effort and expect it matched now, slowly but surely starting to rebuild a new circle and this approach has so far been much more nourishing friendship wise.

Fine, if you feel they weren’t good friends in the first place. Personally, like most people, I’m the instigator in some relationships and not in others. As ‘organising’ generally involves suggesting dates on a WhatsApp and a venue, I don’t feel particularly overworked or put upon by it.

My Mother used to sit me on the front step from age 3 when she wanted to do chores. I used to happily chat to people, I spoke to so many older people. One very elderly lady used to come by multiple times a day to get an item from the local shop, my Mother said she is lonely that’s why she does it because she has no one. That struck a chord with me at even a very young age.

I will happily be the organiser but do have friends who will organise.

I always find if very odd that on MN, friendships mean going out in a huge group clubbing and drinking in noisy bars like Bridget Jone, eventually getting so drunk that you cant go into work. I don't drink at all.

My interests are quiet ones: walking, reading, museums, local heritage, the cinema and so on. My friends generally share those interests.

I think not being the organiser/chaser is a big one. I’ve lost friends because I’m not willing to travel to them, they would never travel to us.

i had a very close friend for 10 years, she side lined a group of us to avoid inviting us to her wedding. Recently she keeps mentioning to someone I am still good friends with that I need to contact her to meet up. I don’t want to, but she would never contact me to have to organise, she wants to be chased.

Those who say they don't organjse for fear of rejection- well everyone is fearful of rejection!!

I try to be understanding of people's issues and limitations but some people are just selfish or not that bothered about friendships

My best friend is myself.

You make having some mates sounds awful to be fair.
Friendships take a lot of work to maintain
friendships break down
put yourself out sometimes
always been there for my friends and put myself out
keep up with these people

Not all friendships have to be like yours. Lots of us have friends who don't place huge expectations on us nor vice versa. If someone has time, great, if not just see a different friend and catch that one later. Nobody has to go to a concert they don't fancy, take long weekends away, buy big gifts, or do anything else they don't want to do. Nobody has to be 24*7 available and have coffee at least once each week, nor remember particular birthdays. They can still hang out doing things they like, at times that suit, download issues and support with the same, have a laugh, big hugs, and some messages in between.

Some friendships will still run their course and that's fine if you've got others you see. But I'd advise against this all or nothing approach. Placing too much pressure sounds like it breaks friendships, then people end up alone; be gentler on friends and you don't need to end up annoyed or alone.

I think many people on Mn have some very odd scripts about friendship in general —

friendships involve enormous ‘effort’

friendships involve all-female groups going on ‘nights out’

friendships involve ‘drama’

a ‘friend’ is someone you socialise with but don’t necessarily much like

if you can’t call someone at 3 am, they aren’t a friend

if they don’t provide huge amounts of support in a crisis, they aren’t really your friends

if you instigate most or all meetings, they’re not really your friends

if they don’t reply to your WhatsApp within a set period, they’re not really your friends

if you introduce two friends and they get on and start seeing one another without always inviting you, they aren’t your friends
Or
no one is able to make friends after the age of 30

if you have ‘my little family’, then friends are irrelevant

friendships are a ‘stage of life’ thing that you grow out of

opposite-sex friends are only ok if they’ve been your friends for decades, and even then it’s ‘respectful’ to retire them when you’re in a relationship

making a new opposite-sex friends are only is never ok, it’s an ‘emotional affair’

Good post.

You have small kids and not much time. Doesn't mean you resign yourself to no friends forever more. You're not even 40! Your kids need to see you form friendships and you need a life outside of them eventually as they'll be independent in a few years.

I think you've list confidence.

Agree and am baffled by most of these scripts. I have never had drama or called anyone at 3 am. I am not a Real Housewife!

But I have given up those friendships in which I have to instigate all the time. I have concluded that they are just not that into me, which is fine.

I will say that MN is terribly antisocial. In real life, most people I know have at least a few friends. Some have hordes. I too used to have them until the pandemic, when many friends moved away or out of the country or just became deeply depressed and tired in menopause.

@GRex you've purely picked out the bits of my post where I've talked about putting the effort in, not where I've said about how I'd be lost without those friendships and how grateful I am to have such wonderful friends in my life. I'm not talking about big weekends or being available 24/7. I've been friends with some of my friends for nearly 40 years and of course that requires some effort and putting myself out sometimes over the years and vice versa. I'm not complaining about it or saying I don't like it, I'm being realistic that to maintain friendships you have to put in a bit of effort which I'm more than happy to do!

You're still encouraging the view that if someone isn't fully committed they aren't a friend. That might be ok for you, but look at these other posters saying they have no friends, they've been let down so what's the point etc... I'm trying to give the balance that it does NOT need to be so difficult and people should give their friends grace. By grace, I absolutely mean that it's fine for friends not to do everything other friends want but catch them for the things they do want to do!

@GRex of course friends can do what they want to do. The issue is when they never want to do anything, even a coffee in a cafe.