I pay all the bills, husband pays nothing

[DevonSunSeaSand]

I earn more than my husband but pay for every household bill, food, and holidays. Whilst I understand that it's unusual for this to be the case (the woman earning more), I'm still irritated that he doesn't pay towards joint costs.

He used to contribute to household expenses but never half, and since last year he's paying nothing. His money is all for himself and child maintenance but he still tells me he's broke every month despite earning more than the UK average.

We had a constructive chat a few weeks back about him paying off debt, setting up joint savings and having all our money in one account once he had cleared the loans etc, which he was agreeable to at the time. And then within a few days of the conversation, a new mobile phone costing over £1k arrives. The disappointment.

I'm frankly a bit fed up with it all but feel quite helpless and tired of butting my head on a brick wall.

AIBU for feeling unjust about the finances?

Do you even need to ask? Really? Of course he should contribute!

Get rid. Mine had ‘no money’. Turns out he had £100k saved.

You are financially incompatible.
He is replying on you to pick up the bill.

You have spoken about it with him and then he made a decision to buy that phone which shows you just how much he cares about your feelings.

You are in for a lifetime of pain if you stay with him.

He is a dick. Ltb.

He sounds a delight. What made you marry him? Do you have children with him?

Madam, you have a cocklodger infestation.

You should both contribute proportionately according to your earnings, and have equal spending money left over for yourselves.

Draw up aspeadheet, work it all out and set up standing orders accordingly. If he doesn't agree to that then there's bigger issues at play.

I'd be getting him to direct debit you his half vs setting up joint accounts together 🫠

You're a bit fed up with it all? I'd be way past that by now.

Just stop doing it! Pay your share and that's all. He's a parasite.

He thinks you're his Sugar Mommy.

He doesn't just have zero respect for you, he has utter contempt.

Please do yourself a favour and get rid.

Kick him out then! Stop paying for it all

For those saying kick him out, as OP is the higher earner she may be worse off

Sorry this is untenable.

I have some questions:
Do you have children together?
do you own the house and whose name is on the mortgage?
what happened a year ago that made him stop paying anything?
if you were to split bills in proportion to your wages, what would the split be? (Just trying to work out how much more you earn, is it 20 times more for example)?

Madam, you have a cocklodger infestation.

@Azandme This made me laugh but it is so true!

OP, I hope you've opened your eyes that a partner who is supposed to cherish you but instead of pulling his equal weight buys himself an over-priced phone has not got your interests at heart.

I had one of these once. Life is so much more peaceful now.

The phone purchase would make my blood boil, spatter you had that conversation with him. It's very telling of how entitled he feels to your money.

In my book a husband who pays nothing would be on a fast track to being an ex husband.

Unless you're earning several multiples of his salary then YANBU.

DH and I have set personal spends per month that's equal. This is for everything we choose to buy for ourselves. Haircuts, coffees, weekends with friends, clothes etc

Everything else goes into a joint account. We don't buy anything super expensive from the joint account without checking with the other person first.

Why is he still there? Why are you putting up with this? You are obviously an intelligent woman and he has never ever paid his way. You're basically paying him to live with you.

Maybe you'd be better off divorced?

For those asking, no children together. Married as he was different before, a gent and kind. Met the wants I needed in a second husband.

He left his job at the start of 2024 but got another a few months later.

The mortgage is in my name as he had his own home when I met him. He sold up and moved in and was contributing. I earn just under double his earnings.

So he has money from the sale of his house and a full time wage?

You cannot allow him to carry on paying nothing. Give him an ultimatum, pay up or move out.

Or you could just accept it and carry on as you are, which would of course be insane.

Where is he saying all this money goes week to week(apart from the phone)?

Get divorced so he can’t claim any more of your assets. The shorter the marriage the better. Speaking from bitter experience. What did he do with his equity from his previous house? Now there’s no fault divorce and you’ve no dc then it should be straightforward.

Possibly, but only in the short term. This leech could potentially abuse her financially for the rest of his life.

Cut your losses, @DevonSunSeaSand - he'll never change.

Only in the short term. The sooner she is rid of her freeloading partner, the sooner her finances can recover..

Why are you letting him do that. It sounds like you don’t need him there. Take care of yourself.