I pay all the bills, husband pays nothing

[DevonSunSeaSand]

I earn more than my husband but pay for every household bill, food, and holidays. Whilst I understand that it's unusual for this to be the case (the woman earning more), I'm still irritated that he doesn't pay towards joint costs.

He used to contribute to household expenses but never half, and since last year he's paying nothing. His money is all for himself and child maintenance but he still tells me he's broke every month despite earning more than the UK average.

We had a constructive chat a few weeks back about him paying off debt, setting up joint savings and having all our money in one account once he had cleared the loans etc, which he was agreeable to at the time. And then within a few days of the conversation, a new mobile phone costing over £1k arrives. The disappointment.

I'm frankly a bit fed up with it all but feel quite helpless and tired of butting my head on a brick wall.

AIBU for feeling unjust about the finances?

This happened to my friend. They got divorced but the good news for her was, because he hadn’t contributed to the mortgage she didn’t have to give him a penny from the house 😁. Solicitor advised her no financial settlement and she’s never heard from him since!

He has his consequences for you, what are yours when he doesn't contribute?

You're enabling him OP.

If a man is truly in love, he will make sacrifices to make you happy.

Sounds like he wanted someone to look after him after his last relationship.

Staying feels easier, but is more harmful in the long run.

OP, you say, “We had a constructive chat a few weeks back about him paying off debt, setting up joint savings and having all our money in one account”

Why on earth would you do this? Suppose he did actually pay off his debt - if he has control of your money - and you say you earn just shy of twice as much as him - you’ll never have financial security again, because you’ll be earning it and he’ll be spending it - as with the phone that just magically appeared. This man is a drone, and he is treating you badly. You need to have a long, hard look at your position, and just what it is that he brings to your marriage.

Why are you putting up with this?

You are getting what you choose to tolerate. You are choosing this.

I don't understand. You're intelligent enough to make good money, but not intelligent enough to see your partner for what he is.

Its hard to admit but sounds like he's in it for the easy ride which your money brings. Sorry op. It won't go away. Bite the bullet before you get in any deeper.

This - OP honestly I think you’re unreasonable for putting up with this

There is a happy ending, but not as a couple.

I’m furious for you. See a lawyer. A shirt marriage and no kids means that you are likely to walk away without losing any money.

I had a cock lodger husband who took this attitude. I had to pay him a small fortune to get out of the marriage because we had a child together. My lawyer told me that had we been married longer I’d have had to give him half.

Honestly, I know it’s not what you want but you can’t stay with a man who is using and disrespecting you like this.

You’re allowed to make mistakes. Everyone does but it doesn’t mean you have to stay in your second mistake bc you’re afraid of being judged. You need to get out of this relationship as as possible bc he’s just using you. Men who love you show you love, this man is just a taker. Don’t care what anybody else thinks. Take control of your future and it’s ok to not have a man in your life.bit doesn’t make you any less. In fact it makes you the boss bitch. Dump him

They are married. A financial settlement will ensure that he has enough to support himself. Which as he doesn’t atm, means a court could award him a load of her equity, savings, pension…

This is the ‘yes but….’ To the constant MN refrain of ‘get married for the protection’. Sometimes marriage is the opposite.

If he can spend £1000 on a phone, he has enough money to be paying his own way. He is just choosing not to pay and claiming he can't afford it while spending money on frivolous items.

As it has been a short marriage, and they have no shared children, the OP is in a much better position than she will be if she waits.

Even if she does have to give something up to him, she will STILL be in a better position than if she continues to pay everything for him indefinitely. Once she is free of him, she can make plans and move on and rebuild her finances from any damage this relationship has caused.

Don’t put you salary in a joint account!!!!!

They haven’t been married that long, the sooner she gets out the better. Don’t let him build up anymore equity in your house. Get out before it gets bigger.

@DevonSunSeaSand Every day that you stay with this dud, is another day closer that he can work at ruining your life.
I am hoping he does make enough to support himself, but unless you want him in your savings, pension, equity and whatever else, you need to divorce him now.

You didn't make a mistake. He acted the way he knew he had to act to be able to reel you in. Then his true colors came out. This is not on you. It's on him.
Please see a solicitor asap and find out where you stand. Find a solicitor who will be a lion for you.

Please do NOT combine your accounts because you know what will happen. He has manipulated you long enough. Get your freedom from this cocklodger, so you can get your happiness back.

Great - easy to get rid of him then.

The sooner you leave him, the sooner you will have mental space and time to meet other people, join hobbies, join clubs, get to know nicer people who can bring you joy. And perhaps even a new better relationship. I know it feels like there's a void after breaking a relationship and we imagine it hard if we don't have a network of support . But you will be surprised how quickly you can meet people and build that network. When I went through something similar, without the marriage certificate though, I was in a different city, no family nearby, all my friends were his friends... I worried so much about being alone... and within half a year after leaving I was in such a better happier place that I wished I had done it sooner.

Can you imagine yourself growing older with this man? How would you like your life to be if you could right now have anything you wanted? Is he in that picture? (He as he is now, not the ideal version that he hooked you with). Does he fit in that? What would you tell a friend in your situation? Does he bring the best in you and does he bring you happiness and comfort, or does he bring the worst and does he make you feel awful? I think you know the answer...

Well he sounds delightful.
No joint account. Just tell him his share of the household bills is x.
Also tell him he owes you x

If he won't pay then ask him what his plans are to support himself within the relationship.

Suggest stop sharing your finances with him, any savings etc. Cancel anything you pay for, for him. And don't pay for his holidays!! Go, but not with this gigolo.

Oh dear, reading all your posts it’s clear you’re hurting over this and don’t want another relationship to end. But, and it’s a big but, you know without asking that this relationship is doomed. He has zero respect for you, he doesn’t want to contribute and make you better off! What sort of a husband would say that?
its tough but you know you’ll be better off without him. You’re worth more than being an emotional and financial punchbag for him.

Beep beep beep!!! Cocklodger alert!

You need to negotiate a deal that works for both of you, sign it and stick to it. If he doesn't, you need to dump him.

He is a d1ck.

Wow. There’s been loads of similar threads and yet I’m constantly surprised that someone has to ask if this is ok. Spoiler alert - It’s not!!!

He’s a full grown capable adult and should be taking care of himself. Stop sponsoring his lifestyle. He either contributes to your shared expenses or goes elsewhere where the likelihood is he’ll be responsible for paying for everything he needs.

Can’t put a price on not being disrespected. He’s an absolute cockwomble. Can’t imagine allowing such a lack of manhood to get through the door, let alone sleep with him.

Lucky for you there are no children. Kick him out. Why do you even want to be with him? Mindblowing sex? Low self-esteem? I can think of a few more reasons along those lines - none of them good enough to put up with a freeloader.