I pay all the bills, husband pays nothing

[DevonSunSeaSand]

I earn more than my husband but pay for every household bill, food, and holidays. Whilst I understand that it's unusual for this to be the case (the woman earning more), I'm still irritated that he doesn't pay towards joint costs.

He used to contribute to household expenses but never half, and since last year he's paying nothing. His money is all for himself and child maintenance but he still tells me he's broke every month despite earning more than the UK average.

We had a constructive chat a few weeks back about him paying off debt, setting up joint savings and having all our money in one account once he had cleared the loans etc, which he was agreeable to at the time. And then within a few days of the conversation, a new mobile phone costing over £1k arrives. The disappointment.

I'm frankly a bit fed up with it all but feel quite helpless and tired of butting my head on a brick wall.

AIBU for feeling unjust about the finances?

Married as he was different before, a gent and kind. Met the wants I needed in a second husband.

Sounds like a typical cocklodger - acts like a nice, kind gent til he gets his feet in the door, only then showing his true cocklodging colours

Pretty sure that poster would not say equal contributions in the situation of a low earning woman and high earning man

I don't understand. Can you explain?

How can you possibly think you are unreasonable OP?

Have you worked on your boundaries since your first marriage?

You are being unreasonable for accepting this crap. You have agency in this - you don't have to pay all of the bills or pay for expensive holidays. Perhaps consider counselling to work out why you have willingly allowed yourself to be in this situation.

Please stop derailing threads by repeatedly stating what you think would happen if the sexes were reversed.

This is a short marriage, no kids.
The OP should speak to a solicitor, lay it all out that she was clearly targeted by him, is being financially abused, can prove she pays for everything.

I think a good solicitor and judge will not give him 50%, more likely give them what they entered the marriage with.

He has sold and blown his money.

OPyou need to get every bit of paperwork together.
Find everything he has, bank accounts, car reg, house sale, photograph it on your phone and email it to a secure account.

It’s not a derail to point out that advice that many on this thread would disagree with is also inconsistent with what is generally said, and that i personally believe it to be hypocritical of that poster.

do you feel 50:50
is fair when one person earns more?

If you are leaving him do so quickly as he will be entitled to a lot less with a short marriage and assets acquired prior to the marriage.

You don't want to compound your mistake by dragging this out.

I pay the bills in our house and my husband just transfers me an amount each month (less than half). But he buys the food shopping and is the one to pay for treats, meals out etc. He'd happily hand over anything he has if needed.

I don't think it needs to be joint accounts all the way as many do but it does need to be fair.

Please get proper legal advice before you do anything as he may have a claim to your house

And separate internally. Separate rooms. Do not do one solitary thing for him.

@Finallybackinbootcuts now ExH turned off paper statements so we didn't have arrive to the house and he kept hiding that pin generator thing that HSBC used to gain access to the online banking.

It was a very financially abusive relationship so don't blame me for his actions.

Do you think this is going to get better?
Why would he contribute any money when he is getting everything handed to him on a platter.

Time to separate and then divorce. You should be no worse off but he will be.

Some of the equity went to his debt, the rest as a deposit for a new car which he pays the loan for. I don't use it as I have my own car (albeit breaking down regularly).

My equity has probably been accumulated 50% pre marriage, 50% after. Married 2 years.

Whilst I do feel quite doomed it's the end (as there are other problems too), I really wish it wasn't. It hurts to the core thinking of ending it and I don't have much of a support system to wallow in self pity for however long it takes to get over it. I had hoped the second time I'd get it right

It's quite telling that he had debts when you married- and still does even though he's contributing nothing,

Was debt one reason for his divorce?

What exactly is he in debt for?

I really advise you not to think about 'getting over it' but 'getting rid of'.

You might even benefit from some counselling for support (if you have no friends or family to help.) Maybe you have poor boundaries and are a people pleaser.

You sound isolated. maybe this made you easy prey for a man looking for a woman to provide for him.

You don't need self-pity- you need anger.

Agree with those saying seek legal advice as it’s a very short marriage and he’s contributed very little.

Do it asap - don’t drag this out as the cocklodging won’t change and the longer you’re married, the more he will try and claim

You have no children together and he sounds like one of these 'cock-lodgers'.

Make it clear he needs to pay his part of the household expenses and consider whether you want to stay in this relationship...

Personally I would get rid of that freeloader and I would get legal advice on what this would mean for my assets/financially.

I absolutely would NOT set up a joint account with someone who contributes nothing. If I had done that with my exh he would have made all the right noises about playing his part, maybe even do it for one month, but then just stop, and likely clear out everything I'd have put in there too.
If someone has already shown you they won't pay their way, never get MORE financially entangled with them, even inside a marriage...

I earn less than dh, although am not a low earner. He pays more than me into the household expenses but I still pay half the mortgage, plus kids clothes, school dinners and trips, some holidays, insurance, food etc. If you are both earning both should contribute.

I couldn’t do this and I couldn’t be with a man that was okay doing this.

Does he do more than you at home? Childcare etc?

This, basically. As hard as it is, time is of the essence here.

I think it’s pretty normal that you’re not paying 50/50 if you’re earning twice as much as him.
Then you need to decide between you how you deal with finances. Each of you has the same amount of spending money, you pay in proportion of your wages etc….
Im questioning why he has debts - from before or build up since you moved together?

Similar to OP, I pick up all household expenses and was flabbergasted to be told that the OH had accrued a credit card debt of more than their gross annual salary. For some reason, it wasn't worth mentioning when it was only 97% of their salary.
Financial compatibility is a thing.

Fwiw your current arrangement and the way you’re talking about the situation makes me feel you’re not seeing the marriage as a team but still as very separate entities (at least financially). Think your equity/his equity, his debt, his car, his loan etc….

Im wondering if deep down this isn’t the case for other areas. You’re together, living together but aren’t a team - aka everyone pulls together forvtye benefit of the couple rather than for their own personal benefit iyswim.
The fact you feel things aren’t rozy after only 2 years doesn’t help.

No shit Sherlock. That's because it IS his debt. He is contributing 0.
He bought a car for him.
No team here.

Presumably you can’t afford to give him half your assets so I’d try to get him under control before ending it.

Depending how long he was married and what the settlement there was, he's not walked away with very much, has he?

Only enough equity to clear some debt (here we go again!) and put down a deposit on a car . So how much equity did he come out with after the sale of the marital home?

At least that's what he's told you- how would you really know?

Was money an issue in his marriage? I bet it was.

He's also been out of work for some months since you married 2 years ago.

He sounds unreliable and useless with money as well as selfish.

Unless there's more to this which redeems him in some way.