I pay all the bills, husband pays nothing

[DevonSunSeaSand]

I earn more than my husband but pay for every household bill, food, and holidays. Whilst I understand that it's unusual for this to be the case (the woman earning more), I'm still irritated that he doesn't pay towards joint costs.

He used to contribute to household expenses but never half, and since last year he's paying nothing. His money is all for himself and child maintenance but he still tells me he's broke every month despite earning more than the UK average.

We had a constructive chat a few weeks back about him paying off debt, setting up joint savings and having all our money in one account once he had cleared the loans etc, which he was agreeable to at the time. And then within a few days of the conversation, a new mobile phone costing over £1k arrives. The disappointment.

I'm frankly a bit fed up with it all but feel quite helpless and tired of butting my head on a brick wall.

AIBU for feeling unjust about the finances?

He might have been a gent when you first met him. Of course he would be on his best behaviour to reel you in.

Get legal advice from a divorce lawyer - if your assets were accrued pre marriage there's a chance you can keep these. The shorter the marriage is, the better your chances are of hanging onto your assets.

Just legal advice.

Put your ducks in a row.

Then dump.

Have the conversation. You’re taking the piss; contribute x amount per month or we are done. He’d give me the ick

Would you like to separate from him?

If there are not kids involved, leave this shitshow immediately - this is shocking!

He's living in her home- so where has the equity gone from his own house he sold?

I don't agree with the 2/3 and 1/3rd split.

OP has more income because of her hard work /education. Why should she be penalised because he's not earning so much?

That's not always the final outcome though. It depends where they are and how long married.

I managed to get out of a very similar sounding marriage (though we also had a child he didn't pay for either) with my house and pension intact. But that was because it was considered a short marriage.
It's not the same everywhere, but regardless, the sooner steps are taken to end it, the sooner recovery from the financial abuse can start.

So he sold a house and kept all the money (as not buying a new one) but was too poor to pay any bills because he earns less? Give over.

I’d be telling him joint finances or divorce quite frankly.

You need to divorce, sooner rather than later as the longer you leave it, the more of your home equity, pensions, savings etc he will be entitled to.

If yours is a short marriage, you may be able to end it with both of you essentially walking away with what you had when you entered the marriage.

If he's an over spender and gets into debt and then digs himself in deeper debt (by purchasing £1k phones etc) then he's potentially going to drag you down financially with him.

You're married, so you can potentially become liable for his debts.

Divorce ASAP.

If you're paying for everything then you'd be better off divorced Op, paying for his DC from a previous marriage is no excuse to live off you. He's not a gentleman, he's a user

Wouldn’t that work both ways? Wouldn’t his assets (his considerable savings for example) also be spit?

Ah.. you’ve got yourself a lesser walleted cocklodger..

personally that would give me the ick and he’d have to go.

This. When I was married, both our salaries went into the joint account and we paid the bills from there. Or so I thought ...

Turned out MY salary went into the joint account and all the bills were paid from there. HIS salary went into his account. He also took out credit cards and loans in my name without my knowledge. They defaulted when he left as I knew nothing about them. After finally seeing a bank statement (asked HBSC to print off the last 10 years for me!) I calculated he'd taken £28,000 in cash out of the joint account (my money) and £56,000 worth of loans had gone in. Credit score was fucked when we split up and it's only just recovered now.

Are you getting anything from this relationship OP? As you're paying everything I'd ask him to leave because he isn't contributing. I'm not sure I'd even agree to him starting from now on as it will always fall back into old ways.

The MN standard (particularly when the man is the main earner, regardless of kids or not) is that both parties should have equal spending money each month, regardless of what they earn.

How close to that does this work out?

If he's earning an income he should contribute same % as you do to the joint account. If he isn't working, then of course he would not contribute anything. My DH hasn't worked in years. If and when he does get a job, I expect him to put 100% into his pension to sort out the gaping big hole in it! Then maybe after a few years we can plan other stuff to do with 2nd income.

You should always check your bank statements as soon as they arrive. Even if you don’t have a free loading husband something else could be wrong (fraud or whatever) but if you don’t check then you don’t notice.

Trouble is @mrsm43s they're supposed to have equal spending money after they've paid their share of the rent and bills. Ops paying for everything while he spends £1000 on a mobile

loads of people have great education but don't earn huge amounts because they work in essential services such as education, healthcare or social care. Are we really saying where one partner earns....£100k and the other around £40k, bills etc. should be split equally?

YABU to ask this and put up with it. You have options.

You were clearly targeted.
Time to get rid of this parasite.
He is financially abusing you.
Get legal advice and get him out.
Change the locks while he is out.
Let him go to court.
Parasite.

Some of the equity went to his debt, the rest as a deposit for a new car which he pays the loan for. I don't use it as I have my own car (albeit breaking down regularly).

My equity has probably been accumulated 50% pre marriage, 50% after. Married 2 years.

Whilst I do feel quite doomed it's the end (as there are other problems too), I really wish it wasn't. It hurts to the core thinking of ending it and I don't have much of a support system to wallow in self pity for however long it takes to get over it. I had hoped the second time I'd get it right. Feelings suck 😂

Trouble is OP, you don't have long to think about it if you want to keep most of the stuff you had before you married him.

This with bells on, OP.

It’s all very well people yelling ‘divorce’ but him waltzing off with half your hard earned house will just add insult to injury.

I would seek legal advice on how to protect your assets asap, and how you would stand in a divorce at this stage, what constitutes a short marriage, what he would be awarded etc.

But meanwhile to forfend divorce, if you want to have a go at saving your marriage, I would say set up a joining account which is for household bills and joint costs, groceries etc. leave off mortgage until you have spoken with a lawyer, don’t leave evidence if him paying the mortgage. You each agree to put half this amount plus a contingency in on payday by standing order. I would say half not pro rata because this is for bills and groceries and he is essentially living rent free if you cover your mortgage.

If he won’t agree to this you could try couple counselling and talk about how you feel so disrespected and taken for granted.

But he is really taking advantage, and I would start with the lawyer, asap. Knowledge is power.

Yes this. Need some numbers before we can see clearly.

on the face of it yes it’s unfair. He should be contributing but it’s possible that to achieve this “same spends left over” that he wouldn’t…

unless the same spends fair situation doesn’t apply here…