I pay all the bills, husband pays nothing

[DevonSunSeaSand]

I earn more than my husband but pay for every household bill, food, and holidays. Whilst I understand that it's unusual for this to be the case (the woman earning more), I'm still irritated that he doesn't pay towards joint costs.

He used to contribute to household expenses but never half, and since last year he's paying nothing. His money is all for himself and child maintenance but he still tells me he's broke every month despite earning more than the UK average.

We had a constructive chat a few weeks back about him paying off debt, setting up joint savings and having all our money in one account once he had cleared the loans etc, which he was agreeable to at the time. And then within a few days of the conversation, a new mobile phone costing over £1k arrives. The disappointment.

I'm frankly a bit fed up with it all but feel quite helpless and tired of butting my head on a brick wall.

AIBU for feeling unjust about the finances?

Speak to a solicitor to see what would likely happen if you divorce. In the meantime, start saving and reduce your spending. Please tell me you're not doing his laundry. Stop right now if you are. Reduce the food shop and keep treats hidden. Cook for yourself only and when he asks say you can't afford to feed him too. Reduce heating etc. Make it less cosy for him. Go out with your friends.

I never thought that I would agree with this being a very independent (financially and otherwise) woman who was raised as a feminist… but, it is true.

If your man has turned into a free loader, this is the time to start splitting costs and above all, not the one to merge finances. So cancel that shared account ASAP, you have just open the door to further freeloading. Keep an eye on your relationship too, has he started behaving as if you are his mum? If so, back off from supporting him pronto, before the relationship dies for either of you.

Is it? When divorcing (well a probably longer marriage, I get that) the debt would in his name so fur him to repay BUT would be taken into account in the division of assets.
aka there is no his/her debt in a marriage.

I certainly went into this full of boundaries, and I took no crap whatsoever at the time which men did not like. This one seemed to accept me for me but gradually that is not the case as affection is withheld if I do something "wrong". That's not a quote from him but I do get into trouble for voicing thoughts and discussing things.

I have occasional outbursts of "I need better"and explaining what I need. Those conversations never end with me feeling better as he defends himself, withdraws and stonewalls.

It has also been said that why should he contribute just to make me better off and have savings when his name isn't on the mortgage. Cue implosion. He also doesn't remember saying these things when I question it later in a calm manner.

I've been by his side through two court battles with his ex over the child. Both incidents are because I exist in the childs life which his ex dislikes (and tells the child), the latest one involved me controlling my husband, which I was cleared of after investigation. Those incidents have made me feel awful which is likely why I'm less boundary driven and people pleasing again.

I do wish there was a way out of it that meant a happy ending as a couple. Been watching too many rom coms I feel!

I assume child maintenance for children from a previous relationship?

Do you have kids together?

I just read all your posts. I would leave.

You’re being taken for a mug. He doesn’t give a toss about you from the way he’s treated you and things he has said. Please do not pool finances with a bloke who cannot manage his own money. Who takes equity from a house sale and has to pay off debts (red flag) and then buys a car with it? A car should wait until he can actually afford it. Same with the £1000 phone.

He will bleed you dry if you let him - both financially and emotionally. Let him sort his own kids out too. No more supporting him when he’s taking the piss with you.

Oh OP, I know it's upsetting, but you'll never get your happy ending with this man. By ending this, you can definitely have a happier life than you ever will with him.

Please see a lawyer ASAP.

You don't want the marriage to be any longer than it has to be and risk any further financial links to this man.

You are being totally ripped off, this is not the time to romanticise. You stand to lose too much.

affection is withheld if I do something "wrong". That's not a quote from him but I do get into trouble for voicing thoughts and discussing things.
I have occasional outbursts of "I need better"and explaining what I need. Those conversations never end with me feeling better as he defends himself, withdraws and stonewalls.
It has also been said that why should he contribute just to make me better off and have savings when his name isn't on the mortgage.

OP, he is emotionally abusive and uses this to also be financially abusive.

A happy ending is a woman NOT being worn down, and losing her fortune, her sense of self until she sinks below the sunset.

You seem to be living the Cinderella story backwards.

Gallop away as fast as possible on your trusty steed.

He's not exactly a catch, is he. Although he may have behaved differently before, he's now treating you with such disrespect, you'd be doing yourself a huge favour if you kick him to the kerb. Tell him to leave and go and find his own place where he'll have to part with his money.

Why are you putting up with this ? He’s taking the piss and you’re letting him

Why should he contribute when his name is not on the mortgage? Is he being deliberately obtuse or is he not very smart? If you weren’t married / living together, he’d have kept his own house & would be paying a mortgage of his own whilst drowning in debt, or he’d have to pay rent to a landlord. Why does he think he should be able to live for free in your home while you subsidize him?

Totally unfair. When I was the breadwinner I paid for most, when I wasn't I paid for a good chunk still.

Hi op,

this isn’t normal or fair. If he doesn’t agree to take on some of the bills, I wouldn’t stay with him…he is literally being a lodger. Bit the good kind.

Good luck

Please OP, tell me you’re going to relieve yourself of this parasite, where is his dignity for GS?
What do you get out of this relationship? He’s feeding off you, then he stonewalls you when you try to discuss him contributing. Hardly surprising he’s using psychological abuse as he doesn’t want his life to change, my he’s got it good! I can tell you are a strong person from the context of your posts, So,
Try this test…
When you think of your life with him going forward how do you feel?
Do you feel joy?
OR
Does your stomach sink?
If it’s the latter you know what you need to do. You’ll be happier without him.

Every penny you pay on his behalf is money you are depriving yourself in retirement. He is spending because you allow him to. His child his child maintenance. His debts his repayment but he has to contribute his 50% share.

he is a cocklodger and you know it.

I know that when people post on here for advice they focus on the particular issue they want help with and focus on the negatives. But reading your updates there appears to be several negatives and any of these alone would be enough to be questioning this marriage. @DevonSunSeaSand is there anything positive this man brings to your life?

Mentally or even better physically I think it would be worth making a list of what he brings to your life and what he takes away from your life. Not being allowed to speak about how you feel because you will be "punished" is 100% LTB territory for me. Yes you'll be alone but you'll also be free to breathe without tiptoeing around him and with the money you save without him sponging off you you'll be able to afford a singles cruise and be free to meet someone who is worthy of your love and time, or at the least you'll have had a great holiday!

The being taken to court by his ex because you are in his life is NOT relevant and should not cloud your thought process

I think you really need to have a serious think as from the snippets you've provided here it sounds like he takes more from you in energy, peace of mind, self worth, as well as money without giving you much worth having

How's that?

A man OR woman (unless one is a stay at home mother or father) who doesn't contribute is quite frankly a disgrace, he is taking you for a ride don't have it any longer sit him down and TELL him what he needs to contribute and if he doesn't then he knows where the door is.

Hahaha 😆 love this!
Oh and LTB, OP!

I think he is very immature and needs to grow up l, and take more much more financial responsibility
Hate to say this. But it sounds as though he could be taking you for a ride.

Hope not. But if he is.Drop him like a crock of shit. Get rid. You are a winner and deserve far better.

Good Luck
X

I think would get some legal advice regarding divorcing him. I would then put a block on your home WiFi and put a pin number on your sky tv package if you have this. So he cant use the ihome WiFi and can no longer watch football on sky sports.
I would tell him that you have decided to end things with him as he is not financially compatible with you and unfortunately your not in a position to continue to pay all the bills.
Tell him that you want him to pack his bags and move out.

He sold his house so he has money to buy or rent a new place. It not your job to pay the whole of your mortgage and all the bills. Your probably covering his food shop as well.
He has debt and child maintenance to pay but that's his problem.

The longer you stay with him the better chance he has to go after and possibly get some of your pension value. Show a solicitor proof of the bills being in your name and being paid
from your bank account.
If he moves out your home you can apply for single person council tax which reduces your bill by 25% and your other bills have will probably be less. You can put yourself in a better financial position and put more into your savings and a pension.

Then your not going to end subbing him at pension age or end up being his career.

My ex partner moved into my house and paid no rent, no household bills for 14 years. His rationale was he paid for our holidays (which he always chose). He had a well paid job. When he retired, it became apparent how little he contributed in other ways - especially his refusal to do any household chores inc mowing grass - we had a large garden. When I complained and said I couldn’t do it all (he was very untidy), his response was, ‘if you don’t like doing it, don’t do it’ ie just leave it messy. I finally insisted we set up a joint account for household bills which he did ireluctantly. His retirement came while I was still working and it became ever more apparent he did nothing except what he wanted to do. He came into the relationship with nothing, lived free for 14 years, and when we broke up (I finally saw the light), expected me to pay him ‘compensation’. I gave him a lump sum but far less than he hoped for. I felt guilty but 14 years rent / mortgage free represents a lot of money he didn’t have to fork out. Just before he moved out, he bought a brand new car on a payment plan knowing that at some point he will have to pay a lump sum to keep it - or give it back. He is still hoping (assuming) I will pay for the car when that time comes……..
I haven’t even touched on the effect he had on my kids who he had no interest in. Fortunately I found the courage to say ‘enough’ and we are no longer together. I do miss having a partner sometimes - but I love my freedom more.