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AIBU?

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Original poster

I pay all the bills, husband pays nothing

182 replies

DevonSunSeaSand · 24/02/2025 23:21

I earn more than my husband but pay for every household bill, food, and holidays. Whilst I understand that it's unusual for this to be the case (the woman earning more), I'm still irritated that he doesn't pay towards joint costs.

He used to contribute to household expenses but never half, and since last year he's paying nothing. His money is all for himself and child maintenance but he still tells me he's broke every month despite earning more than the UK average.

We had a constructive chat a few weeks back about him paying off debt, setting up joint savings and having all our money in one account once he had cleared the loans etc, which he was agreeable to at the time. And then within a few days of the conversation, a new mobile phone costing over £1k arrives. The disappointment.

I'm frankly a bit fed up with it all but feel quite helpless and tired of butting my head on a brick wall.

AIBU for feeling unjust about the finances?

OP posts:
DeepRoseFish · 25/02/2025 06:55

Cocklodger!!!!

Silvertulips · 25/02/2025 06:57

You need a full disclosure here.

You are married, he has his house sale in savings and half your house at the moment.

You are not being a team here.

He needs to take responsibility for his own housing costs, he could go after your pension etc.

You need to check the books and see who’s got more, because he’s fleecing you massively!

CowTown · 25/02/2025 06:57

OP, for context, my DH earns 6x what I do. We split out the bills—I do pay less, but no, I do not keep all of my money as “pocket money.”

ThePoetsWife · 25/02/2025 06:57

converseandjeans · 25/02/2025 06:11

If mortgage is in your name & he's not contributing anything then it should be easy to ask him to leave. The £1K phone is just an insult. Get rid & you will be better off.

Not necessarily.

If they are married the house will be treated as a joint asset and so will her pension and savings should they divorce.

user1471538283 · 25/02/2025 07:06

Oh no another one. In what world is it ok for a grown adult to not pay for themselves? Of course he bought an expensive phone he can then claim he has no money and you pay for everything else.

He's never going to pay his own way. You need to get rid now whilst you've got time to recover.

Shardlake63 · 25/02/2025 07:09

Right, so you earn almost double what he does and you have no children together?
So, you need a joint account to meet all household and living expenses (excluding any child maintenance from his previous relationship - that is his responsibility, not yours).
You contribute two thirds of the amount required to meet those expenses and he contributes the other third - job done!
Marriage is a partnership where each party needs to pull their weight, financially, practically and emotionally, according to their means.
If he won't do this he sees you as his meal ticket, and I would seriously consider cutting my losses and getting rid.

2catsandhappy · 25/02/2025 07:12

If you divorce he can afford to fund himself going forward.
How is he in debt after selling his house @DevonSunSeaSand ? Fingers crossed I have read right that the debts are in his name.

You are not being unreasonable to resent how he is using you.
I hope you have not got any holidays booked which he is planning on going on.
Is there anything you can cancel that was for his benefit eg specific tv package? Gym membership? Phone plan? Car?
Cancel anything like that. You did not marry to carry his dead weight.

He has significantly changed the original marriage agreement. You had the chat. He is blatantly taking the mick out of you now. Time to print off the divorce papers. Depends on the length of the marriage as to how much it will cost you. The longer you leave it, the more expense for you.
I am sorry this is happening to you. He is a frog not a prince. Throw him back.

SylviasShoes · 25/02/2025 07:15

DevonSunSeaSand · 24/02/2025 23:43

For those asking, no children together. Married as he was different before, a gent and kind. Met the wants I needed in a second husband.

He left his job at the start of 2024 but got another a few months later.

The mortgage is in my name as he had his own home when I met him. He sold up and moved in and was contributing. I earn just under double his earnings.

Edited

I don't know what a 'gent' is - he's certainly not!

Whatever needs he met initially, he's now showing his true colours.

You know this isn't right.

Either he changes or he becomes an ex.

Horses7 · 25/02/2025 07:15

He must be laughing all the way to the bank - what a life. Why would he want to change anything when you are bank rolling him.
Get a grip and get it sorted or tell him to go.

arcticpandas · 25/02/2025 07:15

This is not fair. You should be paying more since you earn more but he should be paying towards your bills as well. He sounds like a teenager telling mum "ok ok" and then go out to do what he wants. The problem with teenagers and cocklodgers are that they will take the piss IF THEY CAN. You are enabling this behaviour and you need to be strict (jesus, you do have a teenager at home) if you want your relationship to work. I would LTB but then I am only maternal to my kids and having to tell an adult how to be a decent person and contribute would be a huge turn off and a dealbreaker for the relationship.

SylviasShoes · 25/02/2025 07:18

This is not fair. You should be paying more since you earn more but he should be paying towards your bills as well.

I don't agree that a spouse earning more pays more towards bills.

The higher earner is reaping the rewards of their education or whatever got them where they are.

I think couples should split all bills 50-50. They should have a joint account for all the bills/outgoings and each put in what is needed.

Do the maths on monthly expenditure and each put that in- and bills are paid by SO. So they could each put in £1K- as an example. Any underspend builds up a pot for a rainy day.

Then they can do what they like with what they have left over.

ErinAoife · 25/02/2025 07:20

Just tell him that he needs,to pay towards,the household bill as due to restructuring your company is cutting your pay and you cannot afford to pay for everything

SylviasShoes · 25/02/2025 07:21

ErinAoife · 25/02/2025 07:20

Just tell him that he needs,to pay towards,the household bill as due to restructuring your company is cutting your pay and you cannot afford to pay for everything

So lie, rather than tell him the truth?

TheAmusedQuail · 25/02/2025 07:26

Ask him what his contribution is?

And suggest if he can't share costs (proportionally of course) that he moves out. Bet that'll get the wallet moths flying.

Autumndayz77 · 25/02/2025 07:26

Yes I think he’s completely unreasonable. Does he contribute equally tho house work? Does he do the actual ‘work’ associated with his children’s visits?

I suppose the real question is, what are you prepared to do. This would be a deal
breaker for me because of the lack of respect etc

FOJN · 25/02/2025 07:29

What are you doing?

When your cock lodger decides he'd like to cash in your assets a divorce court will see you have been keeping him and he will get half of your house, your savings and perhaps some of your pension.

I don't think you can negotiate with this man. No reasonable adult thinks another adult should pick up the tab for all their living expenses just because they like to keep all their money for themself. It's time to get rid of him.

Justsayit123 · 25/02/2025 07:29

leave before he takes half your house

converseandjeans · 25/02/2025 07:31

@ThePoetsWife

If they are married the house will be treated as a joint asset and so will her pension and savings should they divorce.

That's depressing for OP that he might be able to get his hands on her pension.

TheAmusedQuail · 25/02/2025 07:32

It just always amazes me that these loser men genuinely seem to feel they're worth this. Do we as women REALLY have such low standards we're prepared to support financially, cook, clean, sex these pathetic specimens? I'd rather be single.

LovelyLeitrim · 25/02/2025 07:33

SylviasShoes · 25/02/2025 07:18

This is not fair. You should be paying more since you earn more but he should be paying towards your bills as well.

I don't agree that a spouse earning more pays more towards bills.

The higher earner is reaping the rewards of their education or whatever got them where they are.

I think couples should split all bills 50-50. They should have a joint account for all the bills/outgoings and each put in what is needed.

Do the maths on monthly expenditure and each put that in- and bills are paid by SO. So they could each put in £1K- as an example. Any underspend builds up a pot for a rainy day.

Then they can do what they like with what they have left over.

Edited

Can’t see how this works in a marriage, certainly hasn’t been that way in my marriage.

We’ve both been higher and lower earner over the years, everything went it the pot and bills came out a d the rest was family money.

Neither of us would’ve left the other behind whilst we holidayed if the other couldn’t afford it.

MushMonster · 25/02/2025 07:33

What about him giving you a set amount each month, for his share of the bills? As you already have the payments set up.
And him paying half the holidays and days out, or thereabouts. Maybe you pay for one, he pays for the other...
I think the fair thing would be for both of you to end up with the same amount of disposable income, from which you can save and have fun.

SylviasShoes · 25/02/2025 07:36

LovelyLeitrim · 25/02/2025 07:33

Can’t see how this works in a marriage, certainly hasn’t been that way in my marriage.

We’ve both been higher and lower earner over the years, everything went it the pot and bills came out a d the rest was family money.

Neither of us would’ve left the other behind whilst we holidayed if the other couldn’t afford it.

Show quote history

It works like that in lots of relationships.
Couples have a joint pot for bills etc and they keep the rest of their income.

I wasn't including holidays.

It wasn't how it was in my marriage but I was a SAHM for a long time.

But nowadays I know many younger couples (my children) who do it that way- all bills split 50-50.

Ferrazzuoli · 25/02/2025 07:37

I earn a lot less than my DH (he earns about 4 times as much). Of course I still contribute to household expenses, and there is no way I'd buy myself a phone costing £1k.

Hopelesscase32 · 25/02/2025 07:44

You have no kids together I would be long gone!

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 25/02/2025 07:48

Why do you feel 'helpless' OP? You aren't. Someone stonewalling you can make you feel powerless, but there are things you can do to help yourself.

Stop paying for anything that isn't essential. Keep the mortgage paid and the essential bills and buy food. Nothing else. No treats, no holidays, no trips out, just down to basics. He's got money, he's just not letting you see it. If you clamp down on spending any of your money on anything other than keeping a roof over your head (you can spend on yourself, just not on him), then he might decide to chip in but it's more likely that he'll file for divorce. Protect yourself accordingly.