Party, child with visible difference

[donttake]

Was 8 year olds birthday party on Saturday,
Some school friends, some out of school friends and some family were invited. First time doing a mixed party like that and the different groups kind of kept together so Dd was a bit pulled around but otherwise everything went great .

One of DD’s cousins who was at the party has a significant facial difference, purely physical and had no effect of their behaviour or abilities. I’ve had a message from a school friends mother saying thank-you for the party, dc had a great time etc but that she would have appreciated a heads up about dd’s cousin. That her dc were scared and upset and she doesn’t know how to deal with it so could I give advice.

I’m not being being unreasonable to think that’s outrageous, am I?

I have no idea what to reply

Oh my fucking god!! What a despicable nasty woman. I seriously doubt her child was ‘visibly upset’ what a ridiculous thing to say.

I’m struggling to think of anything my 4yr old would be upset by…At most he’s only ever asked curious questions. So what the hell is wrong with HER child?

Id reply ‘I am shocked by such a rude and cruel comment on my family member. As they are family of course they take priority for attendance and so it’s unfortunate your child won’t be able to attend again. Google is free and easy to use and has a host of good resources on not being discriminatory. I’d appreciate not being contacted about this again because I’m pretty shocked.’

That’s so terribly sad. I’m quite surprised the woman asked. I would love to believe those attitudes were dying out, but they’re getting worse if that woman is anything to go by!

Another option would be to send her a link to this thread and let her see what we all think of her.

I was initially outraged but the more I think about it, there must be something wrong with her. She needs your help in helping her dc to overcome fears regarding facial difference? And she expected you to put a heads up on the invitation that a family member has a facial difference? There are no (appropriate) words.

I can believe it, there's a group near me run by a woman whose daughter has down's, all the teenagers get together and make smoothies for people's events so they get some experience of having a job/running a business. Anyway she told me that people sometimes enquire for weddings and when they find out the team has down's or similar they cancel or don't want to go ahead :/

Absolutely despicable OP. I'm so sorry and so sorry for your relative. Well done you for protecting her from people like this in future.

This has particularly touched a nerve for me as someone carrying a DD with a birth defect. So I'm not quite sure what I'd say just yet other than what I mentioned above: I'd flip her words about protecting her DD and say not to worry because you won't be invited again as you'll be protecting your relative from such attitudes.

How can somebody make someone's physical difference about them? Wow...

You could probably do more to change her mind by suggesting you meet for a coffee.

Something like, 'Surprised by your message but ok to meet to discuss. Please suggest time and cafe.'

She'll probably bottle out....

Bloody hell. I think I might say something like, “Glad X enjoyed the party. I’m not sure what to say about your comment about little Ben’s port wine stain to be honest. I don’t think that’s an appropriate or acceptable request at all.”

It reminds me of that time there was a CBBC presenter with a limb difference and parents were writing in to complain that it was scaring their children. 😠

Nope. She needs bringing into the 21st century. Her behaviour is not acceptable. At all. And she needs to know that.

Disgusting reaction from that mother.

“Frankly your message is beyond offensive. Please do not speak to me about this, or any other matter again. Good day”

'Noted. I'll remember you don't want her invited again'.

Don’t have a go at her ! She may have worded it badly but she’s asked for advice, it is perhaps not a situation she has encountered before and you have a real opportunity for educating her here. Perhaps a kind reply explaining there was not any need for prior warning of any sort as she is a bit unreasonable about that but I appreciate she may have been taken off guard when her dc were distressed. Perhaps point her in the direction of some good resources ?

Unfortunately these 'people walk among us and think there's nothing wrong with their behaviour. Usually because they've been brought up in an insular & prejudiced family & partner up with similar minded people.

My friend's son has SEN and went to a lovely childminder who did great work with him. He made friend's with another little girl who was at the same childminder's. Unfortunately, her parents didn't approve of their dd's friendship with a child with SEND. They initially tried to get the childminder to drop him but she wouldn't so they pulled their dd out & put her in a mainstream nursery. Her parents didn't want her to catch the 'SEN' just like some men don't want their sons to catch the 'gay'.

That’s absolutely disgusting. I doubt her DC was even upset, they probably just asked out of curiosity like children do.

Thank her for the 'heads up' that she has kindly let you know never to invite her to anything ever again!

I would reply “no. Your daughter wasn’t upset at seeing a child who is visibly different to her. I mean why on earth would she be? So why not stop making excuses for the fact that you’re a lying bigoted bitch. Oh, and it’s worth remembering that we’re all just a car crash away from becoming disabled. HTH..”.

Obviously it does happen that children are inquisitive and ask questions. But to say an 8 year old was upset is just lies. It didn’t happen.

And by that I mean that the child wasn’t upset, the mother is just a bitch.

Tbh I’d go in and have a chat with the teacher to see if they could address inclusion in the class. As for the mum, I’d probably respond with something along the lines of “physical appearance isn’t contagious, unfortunately attitudes like yours are”

Actually OP, depending on the mood I was in, I might have made her squirm with something like "Sorry, I don't quite understand that part. Because it sounds like you think your daughter should be the one who is protected when encountering someone's physical difference and surely that's not what you mean? Can you elaborate please?"

I remember my ds who had a fit in judo class running out (first session). His partner had a stump instead of a hand. They were 7 and my son was really afraid. I spoke to the little boy and his dad and we decided to meet up in the playground the next say. My DS was afraid, then curious and asked many questions and then forgot all about it when they went away and played.
So I get it that differencies sometimes can be scary at first. But for an adult they are not so what's hard without explaining to your child that we're all different but all the same (human beings) which applies to race, sex, disabilities etc.

I’m really shocked at the responses here. This is a situation where we do better when we know better. This woman has asked for advice. She didn’t make a scene at the time and although the comment about prior warning is wrong what’s wrong with educating her nicely on the other point?

I agree, love this response too

She is totally unreasonable not just a bit. We haven't kept 'different' looking people hidden away in institutions for a long time now.

I do wonder if it was actually her kids who said about it or whether the mum herself was being an asshole. I highly doubt her kids were upset. Regardless she can F off, how vile.

I see what you’re saying but I think the faux outrage and offence nullifies any sense of asking for advice in good faith.