Party, child with visible difference

[donttake]

Was 8 year olds birthday party on Saturday,
Some school friends, some out of school friends and some family were invited. First time doing a mixed party like that and the different groups kind of kept together so Dd was a bit pulled around but otherwise everything went great .

One of DD’s cousins who was at the party has a significant facial difference, purely physical and had no effect of their behaviour or abilities. I’ve had a message from a school friends mother saying thank-you for the party, dc had a great time etc but that she would have appreciated a heads up about dd’s cousin. That her dc were scared and upset and she doesn’t know how to deal with it so could I give advice.

I’m not being being unreasonable to think that’s outrageous, am I?

I have no idea what to reply

😂 yes definitely add that on!

I can see why you feel like that, but please give her a chance if she asked politely.

I’m 20 years in and I do appreciate people discretely and politely asking how to approach.

i did respond like you did when she was younger.

If we are used to something, we forget how it feels not know. The children were probably not afraid of the child himself. They may have expressed concern to their mother whether the child’s difference is painful, how they got it, whether it will get better or worse, whether they might catch it. These are innocent questions children ask. I would appreciate someone asking for correct information to give about my child and also guidance about if it is ok to talk to the child directly about the condition.

Please also send her a link to this thread. This vile excuse for a human needs to understand that her reaction is in no way, shape or form acceptable or normal.

Op this woman is going to be in your child’s life for a long while yet, and whilst it would be helpful to rip into her - it’s not wise at all. Best to take note of her behaviour - keep her at arms length and make damn sure your child has nothing to do with them.

You do not want people like this in your life.

I would reply with just the link to this thread. And then block her.

Send her a link to this thread.

Hopefully she can read here how many people agree that she is vile, reprehensible and so utterly beyond the pale it's hard to believe she composed that message.

WTAF? Some people are complete idiots. You are right to be horrified OP.

Just give her a link to this thread 😅

I would be furious and reply something along the lines that it was a shame she hadn’t taught her daughter how beautifully diverse humans can be…
Our youngest was a very inquisitive 3 year old and I remember him asking very loudly on a bus why the man in the chair had no legs, thankfully the man smiled and explained that he had been in an accident which meant his legs couldn’t be fixed, but it was ok because it made his arms super strong… they chatted together happily about random stuff until it was our time to get off, he used to ask questions about all the differences he could see around him and we used to use it as a teaching moment, like every parent should do.
Surely this parent has encountered people with differences before and if she hasn’t she really needs to broaden her horizons and stop being an idiot.

She didn't ask politely. She blamed OP for not warning her that her nephew with a facial difference would be there.

She does not deserve a kind answer.

Jesus wept. This is one of the most outrageous, vile and upsetting things I've ever read on here!! Shame, shame, shame on her.

@donttake I think your idea of waiting to reply is an excellent one. As you said, it may make her take stock of just how inappropriate and disgusting her message was. And gives you time to reply calmly but forcefully.

I'd screenshot the message just in case she decided to delete it.

That is appalling, she could have talked to her children and reassured them without contacting you. She has now made far more of an issue of this than her children did. It's unkind.

You are right about all that, of course, but it's not on the OP to manage these reactions. The mum would have come across this simply through life and really REALLY light to be able to come up with pointers for her own kid by herself.

Alternatively, OP, maybe send her a Let-Me-Google-That-For-You link, if they still exist.

Outstanding response. Much better than my suggestion which was along the lines of "That's quite surprising, she didn't show any signs of upset at the party and judging by the volume certainly seemed to be enjoying herself. You should probably let the class WhatsApp group know that she doesn't respond well to difference or disability so that they can make the right decisions about what she's invited to."

OP can I just add that maybe any message you send back should include that you’d have appreciated a heads up that she is a discriminatory, ableist twat !!

It's an opportunity to say in a friendly way that her DC need to know that there's nothing scary about someone having a face that looks different in some way. Suggest that this mum explains that to her children, and also makes the point that nobody likes being stared at or treated as if they are weird, so it's a good idea to say hello and have a chat sooner rather than later.

Thank you for your message.

My advice to you BOTH would be, that you really need to learn about kindness, understanding and empathy. I would also recommend trying not to be so judgemental, rude and offensive. Do not ever raise this with me again.

Did she actually use those words??? I’m stunned! I’m angry on your behalf.

What a horrible thing to say, her poor kids being brought up by a parent who thinks like that

Honestly I think I’d avoid pointing out this parenting fail to the woman.

I would instead reply something shorter like: I suggest that you use this experience to help educate your child with respect to diversity.

If you have a school WhatsApp group, I'd post the message and your reply on there rather than directly to her. Other people deserve to know what the woman is like. Wouldn't care if people thought I was being petty etc.

I think that's a good idea @donttake , to let her sit and think about the reasons why you haven't replied. I love @Testingthetimes message suggestion.

It's shocking that the mum thought it was ok to send you such a text.

My immediate reaction was to tell her to FO. What a revolting thing to say about a child.

You are being far too kind about this woman's appalling behaviour.

WTF. I'd be tempted to say thank you for the heads up that you're a cunt and best avoided.