Not Invited to Cousin's Wedding

[Caribun]

My cousin is getting married. We used to live next door to each other when we were teenagers and have always been friendly. There's no big family drama, no issues, we don't see each other frequently but text occasionally, and see each other at family gatherings.

Cousin has invited all of our family, and all of her cousins (including all my siblings) to her wedding, but hasn't invited me. I've spoken to my Mum about it who says she thinks it's because we have small children, they aren't having kids at their wedding, and we have no one to look after the kids (my entire family will be at the wedding, DH is an orphan and only child).

Whilst I appreciate that may be the case AIBU to think it would have been nice to receive just a courtesy invitation rather than just being completely ignored? I feel so hurt that it's left me in tears and I can't really think rationally about it.

I haven't asked her directly because I don't do conflict, so I'm just quietly very sad.

Okay, thanks for confirming. I’m sad that I won’t be there for your big day. Is there a problem? Maybe something I’ve done to offend you without realising. You’re still very important to me and I’d like to get things straight between us if I can

She wouldn't be very important to me after sending such a curt reply "no, you're not invited"
Why grovel like this?
She's made her feelings clear and isn't prepared to say why. I wouldn't reply and I would swerve her from now on, but I would make it very clear to your siblings, Mum etc.. that you weren't invited and you have no idea why not.

I wouldn't even give them the satisfaction of being so polite!!! After the humiliation and then the bluntness of saying she isn't invited

Sending lots of hugs @Caribun

it does sounds like she is upset about something which is a bit of strange as it should be very big to exclude you like this from the wedding but on the other side when it’s so big you usually have an idea what it is.
I would push mum to find out what it was but I wouldn’t discuss this over texts only in person or at least over phone ( so she couldn’t wriggle out of explanation and minimize- mine would try that)
And I wouldn’t be available for babysitting for others, no way . To avoid confrontation I would just have plans in that day.

People can be very funny about weddings. It did make me think that I might have been excluded on purpose from the Ireland wedding though and not recognised it as an insult 😂

@JasmineAllen I did find this very funny; that is to say, ha ha, not strange!

Imagine using one's own wedding to make some pointed dig, only for the recipient not to do you the courtesy of actually noticing. The fact that it only occurred to you after they caused issues about your own wedding is a beautiful example of a shot hitting far wide of its target!

I just don't, and will never, understand the degree of angst caused by weddings. They're really not all that and I'd personally take any lack of invitation as a positive bonus. Good job we are not all the same, but there really does seem to be something about weddings that brings out the inner dick in people - including, sometimes, even usually-sensible people.

It's real head-scratcher to me!

I'm quietly amazed (and impressed) at all the posters saying they wouldn't attend if this had been done to their sibling...I don't think it would even occur to mine to decline.

How cruel. Well, at least now you know, I wouldn’t be bothering to keep on any friendly terms with her going forward. Also, as one of your siblings or your parent I would decline, due to how extremely horrible the bride has been. Fair enough if she’d only invited your parents, but to invite all the cousins except you for no reason, is awful behaviour.

Gosh, that’s very unpleasant.

I think you need to have a conversation with your mum as it sounds like she knows more than she’s letting on, but I don’t accept it’s because you have young children, because your cousin would surely have said so.

Do your siblings know you’ve been snubbed and if so, why?

This, nothing to lose
That's so so awful if there has been no fallout

Arrange to go away somewhere else on that date. Do not on any account be available for babysitting other people’s children!!

Wow that's a harsh response OP! She must feel wronged by you in some way to at least not say "Sorry - we assumed you wouldn't be able to attend because of DC".

How close are you with your siblings? Could one of them find out what's going on?

Or, seeing as it doesn't seem like you've got anything to lose with the relationship now, reply back with a "Oh - OK - can I ask why? Have I done something to upset you?"

That is so hurtful! I'd also go with 'May I ask why given X&Y siblings are invited?' No emotion or other comments & just await her response.

I’m sorry your cousin has excluded you OP, it is absolutely unkind of her to do this. Please get your mum and siblings on the case. I do hope they decline to show solidarity with you. Best wishes to you from me.

Oh come on!

It's ONE member out of a close family and her answer was rude.

She probably sees you as a family unit and if its a kid free wedding doesn't want the hassle of having to justify why your kids aren't invited. I know you say you would've respected it if you had an invitation saying it was childfree, but the countless mumsnet threads on "I've been invited to a a childfree wedding, but my kids are different" demonstrate that these invitations rarely go down well....

Exactly. It's like inviting all the girls in a class apart from 1 or 2.

Yikes that's awful

Wow. How rude. I would make sure my parents and siblings knew of (a) her lack of invitation and (b) her hurtful and rude reply. Unless there is more to the story they should show their support to you by declining their invitations.

Or read the OP's posts...

what a nasty person, I know it is scant consolation but you are better off not going there and they will end up falling out with people. If you were my sibling I'd tell them to stick their invite up their arse.

But OP's siblings (who are invited) also have young children.

So unless OP has form for ignoring invitations and bringing her children with her, it can't be that.

Tbh - such a curt response makes it sound like you have upset her. If it was because it is child free or whatever she would have said. I would def ask what you have done to upset her. And while I don't think it is wise to involve family in disputes generally. This is the kind of thing I would tell my mum about - surely she can find out if you can't.
I mean the rudeness is incredible and I would say fuck her whatever the outcome. But I'd have to try and find out why, and set the record straight!

All of this. How absolutely rude.

Wow that’s so rude! If I was one of your siblings I wouldn’t be going.

Her siblings also have young children and have been invited.

I would reply with “Have I upset you?”. Either there has been some misunderstanding somewhere where she thinks you’ve wronged her, or she really is a complete and utter bitch.

I’d arrange a little getaway that weekend with your DH and children, so that 1. You’re NOT available for any babysitting of siblings children and 2. You have a far better time than anyone will be having at the wedding!

That's rough.

I'd ask your mum, maybe your aunty but it sounds like they know and don't want to say.

I'd be very upset.