Not Invited to Cousin's Wedding

[Caribun]

My cousin is getting married. We used to live next door to each other when we were teenagers and have always been friendly. There's no big family drama, no issues, we don't see each other frequently but text occasionally, and see each other at family gatherings.

Cousin has invited all of our family, and all of her cousins (including all my siblings) to her wedding, but hasn't invited me. I've spoken to my Mum about it who says she thinks it's because we have small children, they aren't having kids at their wedding, and we have no one to look after the kids (my entire family will be at the wedding, DH is an orphan and only child).

Whilst I appreciate that may be the case AIBU to think it would have been nice to receive just a courtesy invitation rather than just being completely ignored? I feel so hurt that it's left me in tears and I can't really think rationally about it.

I haven't asked her directly because I don't do conflict, so I'm just quietly very sad.

I'm with those who say they wouldn't attend if this was my sibling! What a bitch and don't need to attend weddings of people like her!

That's so hurtful.
I'd be tempted to write back.

"Thanks for your honest response. I am hurt by this and I apologise if I've upset you in any way. I wish you well and hope you have a lovely day"

This is so strange and unkind if there is no back story. Was she invited to your wedding? I wouldn’t contact her again but I would want to know what was going on. Can your mum find out?

This. Leave it, move on with your life and understand that you are not significant enough in your cousin's to warrant consideration.
This happened to us a couple of years ago. My niece (cousin's daughter) got married and we were told it was going to be a really small wedding and that kids were not going to be invited. Fair enough we thought. Turned up and all the kids in extended family had been invited except mine. I was fuming. She also then proceeded to completely ignore us at the wedding events whilst acknowleding everyone else. I didn't kick up a fuss nor ask why my kids hadn't been invited. Just noted that she was being a bitch. From that day in my mind she just doesn't warrant anything from me bar basic politeness when in a social situation, even then I only acknowledge her if she comes to me.
Fast forward a couple of years and she wants to move near where I am and suddenly she's all nice and asking what the areas are like. I just vaguely brushed her off and changed the subject. She can piss right off. 😂

Thats so confusing- as your cousin is an adult I would have expected her to speak to you about any issues or at least have the chance to apologise.

Wont this put a dampener on the day for your mum and cousins?

Why all the responses urging OP to inquire what she's done to upset the bride?

This implies an automatic assumption that something in OP's own behaviour must have brought about this result. In fact, it's was the bride's decision alone and very much the bride's issue. Were it the case that she had some sort of issue with OP, she had the choice of talking to her about it and resolving the difficulty as an adult would have resolved it, i.e., by way of direct communciation.

Bride didn't do that. Instead, she's chosen to use her own wedding to make a churlish, immature, passive-aggressive swipe at someone else. She's made that decision, no one else, and she therefore takes full ownership of it. No giving her an 'out' to push her own issues onto someone else. To hell with that!

Don't take other people's shit upon yourself, OP. Her behaviour is her responsibility. You need to dump that baggage right back down at your cousin's feet, because it belongs to her and only her.

It's not yours to pick up.

I’m really sorry, OP, you must feel dreadful. I hope you’ve got some people IRL who can show you lots of love and kindness today.

So sorry, that's awful.
Could it be your DH? Has he done something or is there something with his behaviour they might not want at their wedding?

I would ask the reason as you are concerned there may be a misunderstanding or that you inadvertently upset her and would like to resolve it - not with the intention of securing an invite - just to relieve her of any unnecessary distress she may be holding on to.

Given you are close in age and lived so close together are there any other links between the you/your DH and her/her soon to be DH e.g. didn't get on at school, broke the heart of best man/bridesmaid?

Awful behaviour from your cousin. Unless there is some unknown upset she has behaved appallingly.

That’s really awful. My siblings and parents wouldn’t go if that happened to me. It would be completely different if you sibling was close to them and you weren’t so you could understand but that doesn’t seem to be the case here.

I would not be at all inclined to relieve this woman of any 'unnecessary distress'. That ship has well and truly sailed. She had the option of discussing and clearing up any issue she might have had with her cousin directly. Instead, she's chosen to go all out and made a grand, passive-aggressive gesture calculated to cause the maximum humiliation in front of the entire family.

Cousin hasn't taken out the patent on distress here. Or in basic manners, come to that.

Screw her.

Wow! Don't blame you for being upset. What a mean-girl thing to do and her latest response just compounds the insult.
I think I'd also be upset with my mum for dragging her feet about helping sort this. Time will tell whether your siblings are going to have your back on this.

"Has nobody on here ever had to make an invite list? Not everyone can make the cut." I think it's those of us who HAVE had to make invitation lists who can see how badly the cousin has handled this.

"While it’s hurtful to OP the cousin can invite or not invite whoever they want." Well yes, we see this selfish and narcissistic attitude on MN wedding threads all the time. However, it's not a good idea to crash through life with zero regard for the feelings of the people around you. The ripple effect of this one, for instance is going to affect quite a few people in the cousin's family.

Not that I'm saying that would make it ok btw, just possibilities that might at least help op understand the reasoning.

Agree with not saying you're sorry or sad but saying 'can I ask why?' You might as well.

How very hurtful!

The intent of relieving her of unnecessary distress - is exactly to throw light on her passive aggressivness in an emotionally mature way.

"Thanks for your honest response. I am hurt by this and I apologise if I've upset you in any way. I wish you well and hope you have a lovely day"

Why just why do this? It's giving someone all the power to be rude again. The OP has no idea why she has been singled out not to be invited, yet she's apologising for something she doesn't know about?. The bride has been spiteful and rude, not 'honest', just saying "no you're not invited".
Why beg to know why and hope she has a lovely day?

If I did reply I would say. 'No idea why, but you've made your feelings quite clear'
Or just ignore her forever.

I agree wth this. The way the cousin replied was rude and hurtful, so there is no point in picking at the scab. I would also tell the family exactly what the cousin said.

I agree that I would not be available for babysitting either, and definitely don't send a card or gift.

Has nobody on here ever had to make an invite list? Not everyone can make the cut. While it’s hurtful to OP the cousin can invite or not invite whoever they want. People like to make up reasons to justify it for their own needs but it’s likely that they are just closer to the others.

I don't agree with your justification for shitty behaviour like this @CuteEasterBunny. To deliberately leave just one person out in downright mean.

I'm usually very much in the 'Meh, just invite who you want, no obligations' camp when it comes to wedding invitation threads, but even I think this is quite shitty of your cousin! Assuming that you have more or less the same kind of relationship with her that your other siblings do, it is pretty odd to invite them all except you. And even more odd not to offer any explanation for why you're not invited.

If it really was just about numbers or being closer to your siblings or whatever, then I would have expected her to say 'I'm so sorry, but we can only invite a limited number of people and we've had to miss a lot of people out - I invited [siblings] because we see them a lot but we've had to be really ruthless, I hope you're not too upset' or something like that. Not just 'No you aren't invited' and fuck-all else. So it does sound like she's been offended by you in some way and isn't willing to explain. Really odd behaviour.

If you genuinely can't think of one single reason that she might be pissed off with you, is there any chance she or her fiance might have had some sort of problem with your DH, that you're unaware of?!

You said you used to live next door and only see each other at family events now.

Did you and your family all live in the same town and you moved away...? So you're the only one who isn't "local" anymore, and therefore your cousin is closer (geographically and emotionally) to everyone else?

I wouldn't invite someone to a wedding just because their siblings were invited. I'd invite people based on the strength of my relationship with them. Although you usually would group cousins in the same friendship category, if you live down the road from all apart from one, maybe not!

I can't think of any other reason why you would be singled out apart from location, given you've already ruled out children being the differentiating factor.

Have they replied yet?

Fucking rude cow. If somebody spoke to my sister like that I wouldn’t be going. I hope your siblings will do the same.

Your mother needs to grow a pair and speak to her sister/brother.

Do you have two heads or something? I assume you won’t completely ruin the aesthetic she’s going for.

I would definitely ask her for a reason. She needs to clear the air or it will be really awkward otherwise.