Not Invited to Cousin's Wedding

[Caribun]

My cousin is getting married. We used to live next door to each other when we were teenagers and have always been friendly. There's no big family drama, no issues, we don't see each other frequently but text occasionally, and see each other at family gatherings.

Cousin has invited all of our family, and all of her cousins (including all my siblings) to her wedding, but hasn't invited me. I've spoken to my Mum about it who says she thinks it's because we have small children, they aren't having kids at their wedding, and we have no one to look after the kids (my entire family will be at the wedding, DH is an orphan and only child).

Whilst I appreciate that may be the case AIBU to think it would have been nice to receive just a courtesy invitation rather than just being completely ignored? I feel so hurt that it's left me in tears and I can't really think rationally about it.

I haven't asked her directly because I don't do conflict, so I'm just quietly very sad.

Yes. Please the the OP's latest update.

For goodness sake read the full thread before commenting 😂

I did. She never said she got a reply.

But with passive aggressives it doesn't work that way. PA behaviour protects the PA from this kind of direct, mature discussion - this is precisely what it's calculated to deflect. Passive aggressiveness by definition involves sufficient plausible deniability to enable the PA to maintain a stance of wide-eyed, injured innocence whilst shunting the blame for whatever the issue is onto the other person. You simply cannot reason with people like this, because you are coming from a position of negotiating on a reasonable basis. They are not.

Hence, however mildly OP pushes this issue, cousin is guaranteed to claim OP is harrassing her, that she (cousin) has done absolutely nothing wrong, the fault is all OP's and this is yet more evidence of (insert aggressive stance OP will doubtless be accused of taking). Worse yet, OP will be ruining her wedding for her and this sets the stage for an even greater rift OP hasn't caused. She'll merely have been drawn into it and branded the perpetrator out of a natural, very human desire to know WTF is going on. Note the lack of any kind of explanation in Cousin's text response. This is deliberate. She'd be playing right into the PA's hands.

I despise this behaviour as the ultimate in sly, manipulative, craven cowardice. But frustrating as it may be, the only one way to win at this little game is not to play it.

Yes she did.

No she didn't, I triple checked, by using See all (OP's posts) to check. She hasn't come back and said her cousin replied.

she has not said that at all, the bride has assumed due to her family situation that she might not be able to get childcare for a child free wedding.

OP, I am so sorry about this this is awful , I must admit if you were my daugher/sibling i would be offended on your behalf and not attend or possibly question it, but that's a different matter.

You should raise it and I hope it does make the bride feel like poo as that's awful.

I am from a fairly big family ( lots of aunts/uncles/cousins) a lot of weddings the whole tribe have been invited , with the occasional wedding where its been filtered by generation ( ie just aunts uncles) which is perfectly understandable due to the sheer volume of us, you do not cherry pick family, unless of course there has been a significant falling out

sending hugs

Check again 😉

Have you told your mum about the response OP? I have to say I wouldn't be going to the wedding of someone who treated my adult child like this.

It was deliberate. No explanation, just a "No you aren't invited". Feel really quite sad, and hurt.

If this is it I assume the OP was replying to someone else about her discussion with her mother. Nowhere does OP say 'well got a reply. She replied back and said.....'.

I'm so sorry OP - I'd be devastated if this happened to me.

Can you give a bit more background - how many siblings do you have and are you closer to some than others?

Can I also gently ask - do you perhaps have 'form' at gatherings - get drunk and/or row with DH and others?

As nasty and unreasonable as it is, she must have her reasons.

It’s called inferential reasoning…

surely the bride should have given her reason when OP asked?
If no reason is given its probably because there isn't one. or its very petty.

You definitely need to ask directly!! You don't even know you definitely haven't been invited? Invite could be lost. You'll kick yourself if you don't ask!

I was about to say call your aunt !

call your aunt. Say you are confused by not receiving invite but don’t want to cause issues by tlaking to cousin direct. Ask her if it’s been mislaid ? If she says. It hasn’t and you’re not invited, ask her why

it sort of could be excused up till point you said your siblings also had kids and they’re still invited . Now it doesn’t

it’s either got lost, or there is a bog underlying issue you don’t know about. Aside from wedding invite, if that is case it would be good for you to know and try to addrsss it…if you don’t think there is an issue it is likely to be caused by misunderstandings, miscommunication or misinterpretation. All of which can be fixed.

That's really brutal. And with no explanation very unkind.

I did wonder if it was because your Mum or another relative might just have assumed you wouldn't get childcare, or didn't like getting childcare, and told them that and they acted accordingly. But that seems like something else is going on.

I would ask your mum directly to ask your aunt, emphasise that you are not expecting an invite now, but would like to know what they think you did to cause such offence. You may not get an answer if the Aunt doesn't know. I don't think after such a brutal message your cousin is prepared to answer you directly.

I would have expected your mum to ask already actually.

Oh shit, just seen
call your aunt..say you accept that, but are hurt and want to know why … someone needs to do decent thing and give you explanation.

Yeah I wouldn’t be going either if my sister wasn’t invited and had such a rude reply. Agree with others you may as well ask why.

I wouldn't even lower myself as far to ask 'why?'. 'Fine' covers it.

I would however make sure that the rest of the family knows via the messages to pre-empt any excuses she may make about your absence.

I would just blank her from now on. He reply doesn't merit a response of any kind. Definitely no babysitting on the day. Be very unavailable going forward.

If I was your mum or sister I wouldn't be attending the wedding.

So sorry you’ve had this response from your cousin and I hope your family supports you in getting to the bottom of why your cousin has been so rude to you.

I’d be inclined to send the bride a small gift or at least a card expressing warmest wishes, but I have to admit that it wouldn’t be sent with the best of intentions!!

Ah this hurts…a long time ago I as told I hadn’t been invited to cousins wedding because I had a new baby and it would be too much for me..not even a child free wedding. I often felt like the left out one! I undeserved your feelings.

Why don't people read the thread? Or at least read all the OPs posts

She's been told she hasn't been invited by the bride so no, nothing is lost in the post.

I’d be inclined to send the bride a small gift or at least a card expressing warmest wishes,

Really?

So, you're the only one of your family not invited to your cousin who you were close to... wedding. You double check there is no mistake, you get back a rude reply just saying "no you're not invited" but you go out and get a gift and send warm wishes?

Gosh, what a blunt and rude reply. She hasn’t even tried to blunder on about restricting numbers due to the venue size etc. How hurtful.

Please don’t accept babysitting duties for that weekend - book a weekend away or go to an event instead. Your family can book a babysitter from somewhere else.