To be horrible to my four year old?

[appleandcat]

My four year old is a complete pain at the moment.He argues with everything I say and I mean everything. It’s literally being argumentative for the sake of it. It’s very draining and to be honest a bit depressing having everything you say disagreed with (I’ll say something like ‘I’m just nipping up the stairs!’ and he’ll say hourchily ‘you’re NOT going up the stairs.’)

So - I lost it a few days ago and I’m not proud of it but I screamed my head off at him, told him he was making me miserable and that I hated spending time with him, no one would want to be his friend. Horrible words and I did apologise for them but the thing is that it worked and he stopped arguing with me and whining at me.

Now we’re back to ‘normal.’ I have read the books and I’ve tried the techniques and all go ignored. And I’m actually wondering if I need to be a hell of a lot harsher and maybe that roaring out is what he needs. It’s certainly what my parents would have done: but I grew up with no confidence and I obviously don’t want that!

He is fine at nursery. So no idea what’s going on with him.

No. It's a stage that he will grow out of and you need to suck it up, count to ten and manage your adult emotions, not create a child who's afraid of his mother's reactions to his normal developmental behaviour.

To add - no judgement, we all lose it sometimes and that's what makes us human. But it's not what you 'should' do to mould his behaviour. Long term it would be damaging.

You are taking his behaviour far too personally. You need to step back and stop being so emotional about it. Sorry if that sounds harsh. It's just a phase ..

I do appreciate that he must be very frustrating but if you do give him a telling off; don’t make it so cutting. You can tell people off without being nasty about their character and prospects.

My Mum told me off in the way you did (except she never stopped). Now 4/5 of her kids are no contact with her as adults. I don’t think you’re wrong for telling him off but please know that it can cause irreparable damage if it’s too harsh.

You can contact your local children’s centre/local authority to see what is available, but it might be an idea to attend some parenting classes.
I get that they push your buttons, and shouting sometimes happens, but your choice of words is potentially damaging, so you need to find a better way to deal with him than exploding and saying hurtful things.

Wow. Is this real? You said that to your four year old?!

That was quite a personal attack. Perhaps pick him up on the behaviour only- don’t make HIM the behaviour.

No OP that's not going to work and you need to control yourself around behaviour that is mildly irritating at best. My DD also went through this phase, you don't need to argue back just grin and bear it

I was having similar with my 3 year old, but the shouting was me at the end of my tether, and not something I want to be routinely/ consciously planning. (In my case, I didn't tell him he was making my life miserable, but I ended up screaming at an unnecessarily loud volume to repeat my request for him to stop being silly/rude). I don't think it really helped, and it made me feel awful.

I found an old thread on here suggesting sticker charts and, so far, it's working for me. He really wants the stickers, and he knows he misses out if he doesn't behave nicely. Not giving out a sticker is something that it's far easier to follow through with, so avoids the risk of empty threats "e.g. do that one more time, and we're going home".

"Losing it" is shouting things like be quiet, why won't you just listen, etc. Not great but perhaps understandable in some circumstances.

Telling him you hate spending time with him and nobody wants to be his friend is just bullying. No, he doesn't need more of that.

I'd have laughed if my DS had said I wasn't going up the stairs and said silly son you are getting all muddled up. Try to distract him when he makes silly statements.

I think it’s the relentless nature of it that’s brought me down. I did apologise to him afterwards (I think I say that in my OP, will check in a moment) but it’s literally everything. Even something like offering him an ice cream, he sullenly mutters ‘I don’t WANT an ice cream.’ So then you say ‘ok, no problem!’ ‘I WANT AN ICE CREAM.’ Obviously a few times a day fine but constantly is hard hard going. I don’t want or expect slavish gratitude or anything but a little appreciation or even neutrality would go a long way!

Can you speak to the nursery and see what they do that works?

You can’t be roaring at your child and saying deeply hurtful things to them, it is so damaging.

Actual consequences- connected to the action itself - and immediate- are a better idea.

You need to avoid getting wound up by his responses, just don't take them too seriously. Go lighter not harsher. so he says "you are not going up the stairs" and you say "okey dokey kiddo" (and continue what you were doing). Sometimes when my kids were small and annoying I would sing, just to keep the situation light.

Sounds like you tried to hard to be soft and ended up being too harsh. Once isn’t going to damage him too much but you can’t do that again, you have to talk to him calmly and explain consequences - and MAKE SURE you give them to him. He’s little now but you must establish basic respect - he’s a child and shouldn’t speak to you at all the way you describe.

You’re expecting your child to control their emotions and words when you can’t even control your own as an adult, you can’t see any issue at all with your behaviour? Genuinely?

Yes, I’ve tried laughing, it doesn’t work. Ignoring doesn’t work, reasoning doesn’t work, distraction doesn’t work. I don’t know if I have a particularly obstinate child but honestly the only thing that’s stopped him in his tracks was me yelling my head off at him when I just could NOT stand the whining and arguing for another moment.

Shouting at him is one thing. Everyone loses it sometimes, but telling him you hate spending time with him and nobody will want to be his friend? That's emotional abuse. It's not a good idea to do that again.

You don't need to STOP the whining and arguing. You need to regulate yourself to the point that you can ignore it.

What’s going on with him is that he’s only four. 4 years old. Think about that. He’s four. It’s a developmental stage and of course that doesn’t mean it’s easy, but as hard as it is, you’re the adult and you need to pull it back. Don’t say things to him that you can’t take back. And yes, again, it’s bloody hard sometimes… a lot of the time and you’re human. But he’s only 4.

‘He will grow out of it’ being the biggest misconception and excuse for laziness in parenting. Beware this kind of thinking unless you enjoy being terrorised by a 6 foot entitled hooligan.

I think this misses the fact that this sort of behaviour has been going on for about a year now, although it does seem to have ramped up recently, and I lost my shit once. I know it doesn’t make me a terrible parent or person. But it still leaves me with a ‘how the heck do I deal with it?’ Because in all honesty I do worry a bit about how he’s going to respond to me when he’s older given it’s so so negative now.

Why do you have to respond to everything? Just ignore the bad and praise the good. He’s only 4 and you’re the adult, you don’t have to be held hostage by everything that comes out of his mouth.

He’s just a babe. They do things like this. You reacting at him for being 4 is just like shouting at the weather for not being sunny when you want it to be. Stop having a paddy. Let things go. Let him be before you damage him. Words cut deep. What you said would be so intimidating to him.

My 9yo can be like this, some days she will wake up and argue the sky is green. I just say stop arguing with me it drives me crazy, and remind her to stop and think if her initial reaction is to disagree for no real reason. And every time I have to repeat myself, it gets a bit louder!

4yo might be a bit young to fully grasp what he's doing but I don't see a problem with pointing out that he needs to think about whether he actually does disagree with you or not before he opens his mouth.

Also never too early for the story of the boy who cried wolf, if you always disagree with people for the sake of it then they will stop listening to your opinion.