To be horrible to my four year old?

[appleandcat]

My four year old is a complete pain at the moment.He argues with everything I say and I mean everything. It’s literally being argumentative for the sake of it. It’s very draining and to be honest a bit depressing having everything you say disagreed with (I’ll say something like ‘I’m just nipping up the stairs!’ and he’ll say hourchily ‘you’re NOT going up the stairs.’)

So - I lost it a few days ago and I’m not proud of it but I screamed my head off at him, told him he was making me miserable and that I hated spending time with him, no one would want to be his friend. Horrible words and I did apologise for them but the thing is that it worked and he stopped arguing with me and whining at me.

Now we’re back to ‘normal.’ I have read the books and I’ve tried the techniques and all go ignored. And I’m actually wondering if I need to be a hell of a lot harsher and maybe that roaring out is what he needs. It’s certainly what my parents would have done: but I grew up with no confidence and I obviously don’t want that!

He is fine at nursery. So no idea what’s going on with him.

You haven’t read all her comments, she qualifies later on.

No OP, you carry on as you are! “Be more harsh” as you put it.

Let us know how it goes when he starts telling his friends or teachers at school.

He will change as he grows, he might turn out to be the best 14 year old you know.😀
Honestly OP, I know how hard it is. My son was the same as yours, he wore me down day and night...he had just started relaxing a bit when he was 4, so your son may settle down soon too.

My one piece of advice is please dont use harsh personal words to him, even if they do give you a couple of days respite.

One...they won't work long term, in fact they will probably make him immune to you being nasty.

Two...you will never forgive yourself.

I also snapped only once when my son was little, I said some nasty things, and I can remember word for word decades later what I said.. if I could have taken them back 2 minutes later, I would have.

My son, now obviously an adult, doesn't remember, but I do, vividly.

It sounds very stressful for you!

Random suggestion (based on my own failings!) do you often tell him he can’t do things or have things? Don’t climb up there/ no snacks before tea/ stop that whatever it is? That seemed to be my life for a while and I think they were giving it back to me.

Rather than exploding at him, maybe try modelling the behaviour/language you want to see - eg we can have ice cream later/ you can climb at the park / please speak kindly etc

Just to add to my previous post...praise his good behaviour, go over the top, make him feel very special.
As much as you can, ignore the bad argumentative behaviour.
All kids want their mums attention, he will soon learn the best way to get it.

So - I lost it a few days ago and I’m not proud of it but I screamed my head off at him, told him he was making me miserable and that I hated spending time with him, no one would want to be his friend. Horrible words and I did apologise for them but the thing is that it worked and he stopped arguing with me and whining at me.

This is disturbing and very abusive.

If a man had spoken to his child like that there would be an army of women saying LTB and call womensaid.

A 4 year old won't grow out of the behaviour until they are taught it's wrong, my friends son spoke to her very rudely at that age, she ignored it and now he's 10 and speaks to her like a piece of shit on the bottom of his shoe. Mine have tried speaking rudely to me and they are very quickly given short shrift and told never to speak to me (or anyone) like that

To quote the wonderful Philippa Perry

He's not giving you a rough time. He's going through a rough time.

He's a whole person. There are no parenting hacks. It's a relationship.

Look at life from his perspective. You have a life long mother-son relationship ahead of you, and these foundation years are so important... Try to have a think about what your relationship with him needs, and make time to do more of that..

Everything you put into this will be worth it x

He is four
You are the adult
Teach yourself to count to ten

I assume you’re either mum or dad and so I’m wondering if his other parent is involved.

I think the original post, prior to the well deserved criticism, is likely to be the most accurate one.

Yes you are unreasonable to be horrible to your 4 your old. What a stupid question.

All these people telling you how hurtful you are, I bet most of them have had a meltdown at some point, or otherwise have children who are practically perfect in every way.

One of mine was like this, it wore me and DH down. Eventually, when we were on the particular child's dream holiday, (which cost A LOT of money, a once in a lifetime holiday), I ended up telling him that if he opened his mouth again with one more negative comment, I'd take him to the airport and we'd go home and leave his siblings and Dad to enjoy it themselves, that it had cost us a lot of money, we'd done everything we could to make sure they'd all enjoy themselves, and if he wasn't happy, he could be miserable at home with me.

Funnily enough, not one negative word was ever spoken again on that holiday.

OP, I know he's four, but perhaps just telling him how sad he's making you when he's so negative, might just work a bit.

Even something like offering him an ice cream, he sullenly mutters ‘I don’t WANT an ice cream.’ So then you say ‘ok, no problem!’ ‘I WANT AN ICE CREAM.’

what do you do when he decides to swap and want an ice cream? Id say, no you don't get to play silly and rude like that.

Re the whining.. I think you are both fed up of each other and it might help if you could find a way to break the cycle as you are both going round in circles with each other.

One thing I noticed with one DC who was being badly behaved at the time, was that it felt like they were permanently on the metaphorical naughty step. One way of breaking the cycle was to, without saying.. we are going to do this or that.. or giving any narrative was to pick up from school, take them straight out somewhere, again... no narrative just let them chill and give them some kind of treat and talk about something they like, like their favourite book or cartoon or something. So if he starts whining don't react... say somethign like, sounds like you've had a hard day.. what happened? and just see if you can get them to talk a bit. It may not work at first but its worth a try.

Oh OP poor you. Don't feel too awful. He's probably a bit young for the facts of life but he'd have heard it from other kids eventually.

I feel for you, you've done a great job so far staying positive.

Perhaps a child psychologist would better advise than random people on the Internet who may, or may not, get their parenting ideas from all those social media sites 😂

Get a grip for fuck sake 🤣

You should absolutely not say these kinds of things to your child, ever. You're the grown up, you need to do better. My mum said these kinds of things to me and I remember them all and it has completely fucked me up.

There’s nothing wrong with telling a child nobody will want to be their friend because of BEHAVIOUR. That’s very different than telling a child that nobody want to the their friend. People are on here so fucking soft and weak. No wonder modern children are so useless at everything.

Yeah I agree with this, you'd only have to take this approach a few times and he'd soon learn not to do it

Parenting isn’t like it is portrayed on social media you know!

Stop demonising your 4 year old DS and get some parenting help. Sign up for some free classes.

"whiny individual" wow op he is a CHILD.
They all go through phases of whinging and moaning, yes it is annoying and frustrating but you are the adult here.
You decided to have a child and described typical rebellious childhood behaviour, he is not the problem you are the problem.
You need to learn how to manage your emotions and ignore his behaviour better, he changes his mind about having an ice cream ok I would have just given it to him after he changed it again no big deal.
If you make a mountain out of every molehill then yes you will damage your relationship, you need to be a source of stability not shouting that he makes you miserable and he will have no friends.

This. Bloody hell, some of these responses 🙄Everyone’s so bloody wet nowadays.

Thats one of the worst things I've read on here. How bloody horrible.

OP I really feel you here. Having similar struggles with my 4yo and it’s a lot. I’ve said some things I’m not proud of. But it’s not good to actively choose to be like that. I’m working really hard to look at ways to manage his behaviour, I’m not getting it right all the time (or maybe even most of it) but the point is I’m trying rather than just accepting roaring is the way forward. It’s really really hard though so you have my sympathies.