Our friends have distanced themselves from us and we've just found out why!

[PinkGiraffe1]

Me and DH have been friends with Ann and Ben (not real names) for over 15 years. We're all late 30s now.

Ben and I worked together and introduced our partners early on as we all got on really well. We've been to each other's weddings, been on holiday, lots of day trips. Probably spoke every few days etc. We've been there for new jobs, kids, etc. Helped move house and been there when we've lost parents/grandparents. You get the gist.

We all come from working class backgrounds and pre covid, we had fairly similar lives (in the sense of jobs, homes, holidays, money, lifestyle etc)

Ann got pregnant mid 20s (not planned) and wanted to be traditional so they got married and about 6 months after their son was born, they bought a house near to where she was raised (about 90 mins from us).

Ann & Ben were the first amongst our friends to have children/mortgage/marriage etc. The rest of us followed suit about 5-10 years later. During that time Ann told me she felt quite lonely and isolated from other friends. Then just before Covid her son was diagnosed with ADHD. They also had fertility issues and about a year ago she gave up trying for a second. She's also had health issues which has affected her mobility. Bar me and my DH, she doesn't have anyone else (except her DH and DS). Her words.

Pre covid me and DH had a very average lifestyle - both worked, had 2 kids, 3-bed semi house, holiday once a year etc

During Covid everything changed. I lost both my parents and my last remaining grandparent. Long story short, I inherited a lot of money.

I also got made redundant from a job I'd had for nearly 15 years. I then went freelance and due to the nature of my work (helping small businesses get online) it just took off and has been incredibly lucrative. My husband's boss got fired and he took over being Head of his Department. So he had a huge pay rise.

Between the inheritance, redundancy and new jobs, we've got a lot more money. Most of it has been spent on a bigger house, and yes, we've enjoyed extra holidays, nights out, nicer clothes etc. We've also had 2 more children (twins). We know we're incredibly lucky and we very much try to be humble and unflashy. We don't post on social media and the rest of our friends/family say we're still the same.

However Ann and Ben have been distant with us. They've turned down our invites, not invited us over. Taken ages to reply on WhatsApp (or not at all). We've both asked each of them if everything is okay or if we've done something to cause upset but they say no, they're just busy.

However last week at a mutual friends party (A&B weren't there), Clare, who was a bit drunk) told us that A & B are avoiding us because of our lifestyles and new found wealth. They said they hate that we apparently have it all and they don't. They feel poor and rubbish compared to us.

I was floored. My DH said he didn't believe it. Said its been a misunderstanding. So he called Ben the next day and gently explained what had been said. We expected denials but he confirmed it. He was rather sheepish and apologetic about it but said he had to stand by Ann.

I feel so upset. I don't know whether to speak to Ann or leave it.

Wwyd? I'm so upset as I thought we were close. She knows how devasted and low I was at losing my parents and grandparent. She also knew how much I loved my job. I feel so sad right now.

It's always easier to be the one who succeeds in life.

Accept that it's their feelings and decision.

It's not you it's Ann. Accept her feelings as daft as they are. Keep a low level of friendship she may come round. People's lives change

I would just leave it alone. If they can't see that to gain a lot of your money you've had to lose most of your family then they aren't worth being friends with. I'm sure a bigger house/nicer holidays are lovely, but I'd bet you'd rather more years with relatives over that.

I'd just leave it. Ben has confirmed this is the position and so contacting ann won't help.
Unfortunately some people are just going to react differently to differences in wealth and circumstances. I dont think there's much you can do if you are not flashy or boastful. Then it's really about them and their feelings. You can't fix them unfortunately

I suspect its the twins you had while they are struggling with infertility that's a big part of it, not just the money. It's sad that you have drifted apart but sometimes you just have to accept it and move on.

It’s not that they personally begrudge you or have stopped liking you, this is entirely about how they’re feeling about themselves. I don’t mean that in a mean way towards them. I can just understand how being around people who have the things they want and need is going to leave them feeling worse about things they’re already feeling bad about. They’re just trying to manage and avoid depressing themselves.

In an ideal world she’d be happy for you and think god, she lost so much at once, she deserves this. Maybe she does but also can’t cope with the jealousy? Sometimes we just can’t help how we feel.
I’d try and talk to her.

Some people are petty and jealous, and think that everything's about them. Their bitterness is their problem, and not yours. The fact that they put that ahead of your years of friendship shows you the kind of people they are. They chose this.

It sounds like it's Ann rather than Ben. I imagine the fact that she was only able to have one child was a big factor in it. You have gone from 2 to 4 & seem to have no money worries.

You sound really nice though & I think it's their loss. It doesn't sound like they have loads of new mates.

With the best will in the world, no matter how unflashy you are with your new found wealth your friends obviously feel either outright jealous of you, or inferior if they don't have the same standard of living, house, holidays etc.

It's a very hard one to navigate. You could try sending her a note to say you're sorry she feels that way and you'd really like to keep your friendship alive, but have to accept she feels that way if she doesn't want to persue it.

Gosh, how sad that she feels that way. It's the fertility issues rather than the lifestyle changes I think. She probably can't help it and may well realise it's not rational. Time might help I guess but I don't think you can do anything about this.

we very much try to be humble and unflashy

This stood out to me.

No one who has ever said that to me in RL have any idea how they come across.

They just preface any boasting statement with something like "Oh course we're ever so lucky to be able to do it but ... <we're just had to take out third holiday in six months because our jobs are so hard and we'd burn out otherwise>" or "We really are a little worried about expenses after the extension was built, we've decided we won't go on the Christmas cruise we normally go on" <said extension being bigger than their audience's houses, and ignoring the other holidays>

Might be worth seeing if Claire, when sober, can give you some truths.

Sorry I disagree that it is easier to be the one who suceeds, you lose a lot of friends and family you hoped would be there for life through the kind of jealousy OP is writing about.

It doesn't matter what you do or how you behave, if you do even just a little better or different than you are expected to your life is upended by people who can't stand you not being in the same shit you always were. It is especially brutal when it is through inheritance or seriously hard work because you've lost people who are close or have put in the hours and stress, then those you thought were friends seem determined to make it harder for you.

No, it's not on and not easier.

Sorry OP, throughout my life I've had waves of this from people I thought were close to me because I did something different to what they wanted me to do. I've learned that friendships and even family are temporary, what suited me then doesn't suit me now. As devastating as it is, you've just got to accept their feelings and work towards moving on.

Oh this is really hard. I’ve been both sides of this equation. You haven’t robbed a bank for the money and you’d prefer to have your family back, so why should you not spend the money you have? You can’t pretend not to go on holiday! You can’t keep an old clapped out banger just to drive when you meet them! That would be dishonest.

They’re probably being very shallow but I’ve had to give up a friendship group that just made me feel like I’d made rubbish choices in life by being a nurse and not earning loads of money to send my kids to private school.
I can see it from both sides. It’s a shame but jealousy is a terrible emotion. You haven’t done anything wrong, but I don’t think they have either.

I can understand how they feel. It’s not jealousy. It’s not resentment. It’s just feeling very different and inferior. Their issue not yours. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s just hard for them to deal with.

Just leave it. True friendship wouldn't be rocked by your lifestyle changing, especially since you're not showy with it or rubbing people’s noses in it. As you say, a lot of your wealth is actually due to horrible personal loss too, so you'd expect friends to be sensitive to that and not punish you for it! One of my best friends from childhood is significantly wealthier than me (due to career and other opportunities) and it hasn't changed a thing between us as it hasn't changed her at all. They're not the friends you thought they were. It's sad, but you should focus your efforts on your friends who have stuck around.

No matter how un flashy you are they will still compare themselves to you and it will make them feel sad about themselves and inferior. It's human nature. Just accept that your lifestyles are now very different and try and move on.

Read it back and see if you can see Ann's point of view. I certainly can!

It's not your fault and it doesn't mean she's right to do it, but I can understand how she feels.

If you genuinely can't understand, reading back over all the bad luck she's had, then maybe the problem is lack of empathy rather than an excess of money.

The woman has a child with issues, she's had to give up on the.dream if another child, she has health issues. In short she's unhappy with valid reasons. Your life has moved on, nice house, nice holidays, twins. She isn't a saint or a devil, she's protecting herself, it isn't anything you can resolve you just have to accept it is how she feels.

I think this is entirely understandable of them. You absolutely do have a lot of things that they would like to have and have no chance of getting. They can’t help feeling envious of you so the best way to prevent that feeling is to distance themselves.

I doubt very much they feel you should have done anything different. They probably are happy for you but remember the phrase “comparison is the thief of joy”. It’s impossible to spend time with you and not compare. They’re just protecting themselves. Try to understand, and move on.

I've recently cooled off a friendship that was previously quite intense because the person just seems to go on a lot about her perfect lifestyle, the house they are are putting in an offer for, expensive holidays etc. She sent me links to a hugely expensive property that they are making an offer on and I didn't even ask to see it. It just felt like bragging. She is half my age and yes it does make me feel a bit shit at the shabby house we have at twice her age. Everything in her life just seems so bloody perfect. I appreciate you don't feel you've flaunted your wealth or your good fortune ( 4 healthy kids as opposed to her one disabled one) etc but she probably finds it hard to deal with. I would just accept that the friendship is not what it was. I have another friend who has recently inherited a lot of money and constantly on foreign holidays and again it does grate a bit.

I would extend the olive branch, explain that you miss seeing them both and maybe suggest meeting up. Maybe suggest a walk or an NT property midway between you both. That way if she is feeling a bit down about your new lifestyle she doesn’t have to see it for now.

Hopefully after a good catch up you can strip your friendship back to basics and appreciate each other for the people you are not what you have or don’t have.

It is an Ann problem, you obviously haven’t done anything wrong but I’ve been there so I kind of know how she feels.
DH and I used to have relatively good jobs but a culmination of covid hitting weeks after our DD being born and DH losing his job left us on Universal Credit for a long time. At the same time his brother and SIL upsized their home, organised private school for their children and were off on holiday after holiday. I admit I did distance myself from them because I felt like such a failure when my DC’s were hearing about their cousins trips on an aeroplane and we were getting our Christmas dinner from the food bank.
They weren’t that flashy either but it was all just magnified. It was just easier to avoid the situation. The more you avoid the worse it gets which maybe where she is.

It's an esier life than struggling with low paid jobs, cost of living, poor economy, long term illness or infertility.

They say that in times of bad fortune friends will melt away from you like that bad luck is catching and you really find out who your friends are , it seems like it's also true if you're having too much of a nice life. Simple envy, Ann is not a good friend.

Ben has an Ann problem.

Very normal unfortunately