Our friends have distanced themselves from us and we've just found out why!

[PinkGiraffe1]

Me and DH have been friends with Ann and Ben (not real names) for over 15 years. We're all late 30s now.

Ben and I worked together and introduced our partners early on as we all got on really well. We've been to each other's weddings, been on holiday, lots of day trips. Probably spoke every few days etc. We've been there for new jobs, kids, etc. Helped move house and been there when we've lost parents/grandparents. You get the gist.

We all come from working class backgrounds and pre covid, we had fairly similar lives (in the sense of jobs, homes, holidays, money, lifestyle etc)

Ann got pregnant mid 20s (not planned) and wanted to be traditional so they got married and about 6 months after their son was born, they bought a house near to where she was raised (about 90 mins from us).

Ann & Ben were the first amongst our friends to have children/mortgage/marriage etc. The rest of us followed suit about 5-10 years later. During that time Ann told me she felt quite lonely and isolated from other friends. Then just before Covid her son was diagnosed with ADHD. They also had fertility issues and about a year ago she gave up trying for a second. She's also had health issues which has affected her mobility. Bar me and my DH, she doesn't have anyone else (except her DH and DS). Her words.

Pre covid me and DH had a very average lifestyle - both worked, had 2 kids, 3-bed semi house, holiday once a year etc

During Covid everything changed. I lost both my parents and my last remaining grandparent. Long story short, I inherited a lot of money.

I also got made redundant from a job I'd had for nearly 15 years. I then went freelance and due to the nature of my work (helping small businesses get online) it just took off and has been incredibly lucrative. My husband's boss got fired and he took over being Head of his Department. So he had a huge pay rise.

Between the inheritance, redundancy and new jobs, we've got a lot more money. Most of it has been spent on a bigger house, and yes, we've enjoyed extra holidays, nights out, nicer clothes etc. We've also had 2 more children (twins). We know we're incredibly lucky and we very much try to be humble and unflashy. We don't post on social media and the rest of our friends/family say we're still the same.

However Ann and Ben have been distant with us. They've turned down our invites, not invited us over. Taken ages to reply on WhatsApp (or not at all). We've both asked each of them if everything is okay or if we've done something to cause upset but they say no, they're just busy.

However last week at a mutual friends party (A&B weren't there), Clare, who was a bit drunk) told us that A & B are avoiding us because of our lifestyles and new found wealth. They said they hate that we apparently have it all and they don't. They feel poor and rubbish compared to us.

I was floored. My DH said he didn't believe it. Said its been a misunderstanding. So he called Ben the next day and gently explained what had been said. We expected denials but he confirmed it. He was rather sheepish and apologetic about it but said he had to stand by Ann.

I feel so upset. I don't know whether to speak to Ann or leave it.

Wwyd? I'm so upset as I thought we were close. She knows how devasted and low I was at losing my parents and grandparent. She also knew how much I loved my job. I feel so sad right now.

Thank you for all the (mostly) nice/understanding comments.

The reason I'm a bit shocked is because Ann has always been a fabulous, supportive friend. She's genuinely lovely and this ghosting was so unlike her. I thought she liked me more than that and valued us/our friendship.

I have asked other friends if I've changed, been flaunty or braggy and they both say no. One of the friends, who isn't subtle, said I'm actually acting embarrassed. Which I kinda am. I haven't earned anything. I've lost family members. I'd much rather have them back.

Tbh though I think you're all mostly right about it being about my twins. I get it's not nice seeing someone who has what you want but I didn't have kids to spite anyone. I also had IVF to have my first child and then found out he has diabetes so my life is hardly all hearts and flowers.

It's Ann's birthday soon so I might send her a little gift or some flowers. If there's no response from that then I'll leave it.

I did read the OP. And I’ve read how Ann has distanced herself from OP because of her money, without a single thought of how she came to have that money.

Aww sending hugs OP. Seems unfortunate. Maybe she will come around. I can understand your confusion and sadness.

Objectively I can understand that Ann is struggling with it. But it just makes no sense to me that someone would react that way to their friend having a change in circumstances. If they'd gone bankrupt would Ann have distanced herself as well, or is it only when friends have more than her that she can't cope? Comparison is the thief of joy. It's a terrible way for someone to live. OP I'd be really hurt too if a friend distanced themselves because they struggled with me getting some money from the loss of my closest relatives, and from my work being successful. I think it's dreadful for people to behave like that.

I think this is true.

There is absolutely no point in trying to resurrect this friendship OP. You will never be able to have a natural conversation again, always worrying about whether your clothes/car/house/holidays or some tiny random thing will cause a reaction.

Two of my oldest and closest friends have very different lifestyles from me. It’s never been a problem for the rest of our group. We are pleased for them. My house has a square footage that’s probably smaller than my friends kitchen/diner/lounge but I still enjoy her wonderful hospitality and am happy to return to my own little home.

Ann must be quite damaged to feel this way and you need to leave her be.

As Monica says in Friends “I can just buy new friends!” 😂

I think you need to accept that they (or she) may not be able to feel the same about you, now, as she did when you were all decades younger and in a similar situation. I can imagine it must be difficult to spend time with someone who has things you want but can't have. Friendships change because people change, and sometimes that's just the way it has to be.

Your mutual friend should have kept her big mouth shut.

Yea I agree with you. You just can't hide it sometimes.
I've taken my husband's 'fancy' company car to work before whilst mine is in the garage. I had no other vehicle to use. I felt awkward about it. 1st world problem I know, but people still think you're showing off when you're not! You can't really help 'showing off' your wealth if someone gives you a lift home or asks you where you've been on holiday.

Ann is basically jealous that you got an inheritance because you lost your parents and grandparents. I wouldn’t want to be friends with Ann tbh, she sounds an arse.

All issues aside it seems like you’ve drifted apart, which is pretty common. Your lives have moved in different directions and now there’s little common ground.

IMO it was quite intrusive of your husband to confront Ben on this, when it’s fairly obvious that they just tried to distance themselves quietly. Ben must have felt very awkward. Perhaps that’s made any chances of a reconciliation less likely.

I would take ' Drunk Clare's' revelations with a pinch of salt!

And there is no reason to hide it. I think people apologising and being embarrassed about their wealth are almost as bad as those who flaunt it. It is what it is. Some will feel weird about it and it will affect your relationship. But you just gave to accept it. It sucks, but nothing you can do

Did you ask other friends with reference to the situation with Ann? Eg ‘Ann won’t speak to me because she says I’m showing off, do you think I am?’. Because that’s going to come across even worse to Ann. I definitely would distance myself from someone if I felt they were discussing me with our mutual friends!

It’s not you, it’s Anne. You can’t brush that chip off her shoulder.

Perhaps you could try talking or writing to Ann and telling her how much you miss her friendship, you know you’ve been very lucky in life but you haven’t got any friends whose company you enjoy as much, etc. etc. She’s feeling inferior and needs to know you still value her.

Why are you making all this about you and your feelings?

Can't you empathise to the fact that your friend has faced very difficult times with nothing good coming out of it. She doesn't gave a second child, she doesn't have more money and it sounds that she doesn't have the mobility she used to have. That's a lot to grieve over. It's hard enough to do so, let alone doing it witnessing someone you care for having all what you so wish for yourself but don't have through no fault of theirs.

I'm surprised you are surprised and needed to be told to try to understand why she might have distanced yourself.

If you want to be a good friend, show empathy through your words and a tions rather than sympathy.

Such a shame. You and Ann are missing out on your friendship. Can you write to her and say how much the friendship means to you and that you miss her. Offer to talk about what bothers her if you want. You will have done all you can then. It is a shame if she is not a big enough person to think about you and not just herself, though she may be depressed about fertility issues.

Not really an overreaction is it to think that someone who is struggling so badly about their friend having more children and and financially stable (despite losing so many people and get job) would definitely benefit from counselling or therapy. She's clearly struggling with her lot in life and needs a healthier outlook on things instead of cutting off those closest to her

One of my best friends is the type of person who always comes out on top smelling of roses. She freely admits this and we laugh about it. Shes rich, she doesn’t work, her family are always helping her financially, she easily got pregnant etc. Married to her childhood sweetheart and never had to date, go through a breakup etc.

There have been times when I’ve had to just quietly distance myself, especially when my own life was going wrong in comparison, to protect myself.

If her husband had called mine during those periods to ask if I was jealous of her, I think I would have died of embarrassment!

Let them

Please stop comparing yourself. This isn't a keep score game with points added for adversity and subtracted for good fortune.

It's up to Ann who she chooses to spend time with for whatever reason. You've not done anything wrong, just accept and move on with good grace.

Reading these responses I actually think a few posters are jealous of you just reading your op, which is shocking for them.

op. Anne isn’t a lovely friend, she’s a friend when you’re in your box, she has dumped you due to her jealousy and Ben has made it clear, she’s made this decision not him.

this isn’t she needs some time to adjust. She’s dumped you and she’s told others why. Not you.

let it go. She’s no friend.

I have lost friends recently as they perceived me as richer than t em. I feel sad to lose the friendship but their decision -let it go

I've been there for her for years - good and bad. I've been her ear, shoulder to cry on, been her practical support when needed as well as emotionally. I've done a hell of a lot for Ann and in return I'm ignored and unfriended.

Also, let's keep in mind that we don't know for sure what Ann and Ben's reasons are for backing off from this friendship, since they haven't chosen to give you a reason. There's only been guesses and a secondhand comment. Maybe it's really something else entirely or a more complicated combination of factors.

Regardless, no means no and you've already been told "no" several times. I would not send Ann flowers for her birthday etc. Ann and Ben want to be left alone.

Or perhaps Ann can empathise with the fact that OP has lost loved ones along the way and that’s one of the reasons for her change in finances.