Our friends have distanced themselves from us and we've just found out why!

[PinkGiraffe1]

Me and DH have been friends with Ann and Ben (not real names) for over 15 years. We're all late 30s now.

Ben and I worked together and introduced our partners early on as we all got on really well. We've been to each other's weddings, been on holiday, lots of day trips. Probably spoke every few days etc. We've been there for new jobs, kids, etc. Helped move house and been there when we've lost parents/grandparents. You get the gist.

We all come from working class backgrounds and pre covid, we had fairly similar lives (in the sense of jobs, homes, holidays, money, lifestyle etc)

Ann got pregnant mid 20s (not planned) and wanted to be traditional so they got married and about 6 months after their son was born, they bought a house near to where she was raised (about 90 mins from us).

Ann & Ben were the first amongst our friends to have children/mortgage/marriage etc. The rest of us followed suit about 5-10 years later. During that time Ann told me she felt quite lonely and isolated from other friends. Then just before Covid her son was diagnosed with ADHD. They also had fertility issues and about a year ago she gave up trying for a second. She's also had health issues which has affected her mobility. Bar me and my DH, she doesn't have anyone else (except her DH and DS). Her words.

Pre covid me and DH had a very average lifestyle - both worked, had 2 kids, 3-bed semi house, holiday once a year etc

During Covid everything changed. I lost both my parents and my last remaining grandparent. Long story short, I inherited a lot of money.

I also got made redundant from a job I'd had for nearly 15 years. I then went freelance and due to the nature of my work (helping small businesses get online) it just took off and has been incredibly lucrative. My husband's boss got fired and he took over being Head of his Department. So he had a huge pay rise.

Between the inheritance, redundancy and new jobs, we've got a lot more money. Most of it has been spent on a bigger house, and yes, we've enjoyed extra holidays, nights out, nicer clothes etc. We've also had 2 more children (twins). We know we're incredibly lucky and we very much try to be humble and unflashy. We don't post on social media and the rest of our friends/family say we're still the same.

However Ann and Ben have been distant with us. They've turned down our invites, not invited us over. Taken ages to reply on WhatsApp (or not at all). We've both asked each of them if everything is okay or if we've done something to cause upset but they say no, they're just busy.

However last week at a mutual friends party (A&B weren't there), Clare, who was a bit drunk) told us that A & B are avoiding us because of our lifestyles and new found wealth. They said they hate that we apparently have it all and they don't. They feel poor and rubbish compared to us.

I was floored. My DH said he didn't believe it. Said its been a misunderstanding. So he called Ben the next day and gently explained what had been said. We expected denials but he confirmed it. He was rather sheepish and apologetic about it but said he had to stand by Ann.

I feel so upset. I don't know whether to speak to Ann or leave it.

Wwyd? I'm so upset as I thought we were close. She knows how devasted and low I was at losing my parents and grandparent. She also knew how much I loved my job. I feel so sad right now.

Surely they can find similarly wealthy friends?

I’m not “stomping my foot”. I just want to know why OP, who has had to cope with devastating losses, should apparently be the one being empathetic towards Ann.

so a third party told you this? interesting? i wonder if you acted differently with your new found wealth.. look at me blah blah blah are't i lucky..

i wouldn't believe a word of it until it came straight from the horses mouth.

I think it’s appalling that some friends focus on an inheritance rather than their friend’s loss and bereavement. It reveals a shocking lack of empathy and materialism. At some point you may feel that Ann isn’t a particularly nice person which will put your sadness in perspective.

Thong is it’s about them not you. Not having more children when you wanted them is hard. Struggling financially when others are loaded is hard. You sound really nice, but they obviously don’t want all your good fortune as a constant reminder.They might come round eventually, but let them be. Your life worked out how you wanted it to, theirs didn’t and they are finding a way to deal with it.

It's very difficult to be with people that seem to sail through everything and come out well if your journey has been much more bumpy. Yes you lost parents and a grandparent, but that does come to all of us, I lost both my parents very young too. I think you are a constant reminder of what Ann's life might have been, the children she wanted, the comfortable lifestyle, the great jobs and the status that comes with that. It's not your fault and it's not her fault it's just life. I think the children is the real kicker, people being more wealthy OK, but more wealthy and they get to have the big family just too much to bear.

Because we should all be empathetic to each other, particularly towards our friends.

We don't know how empathetic Ann was or wasn't so it's impossible to comment.

We can see from the OP that she is struggling to have empathy for Ann.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

I have a friend who’s really loaded. It happened through luck, although her and her DH were also very hard working people in the first place. Right time right place - massive turn around. They have about 20 million. Me and my dd enjoy looking at the stuff in her house. One of her (very many) sofas was 8000. I enjoy having a nice sit on it - despite my own sofa being a £350 Ikea job.

Friendships change over time.

You've always remained friendly. They are the ones with an issue. That's their problem.

Just carry on enjoying your life as you are.

This is spot on.

If you call her she'll feel even more shitty for feeling how she does won't she.

It's a pity but it's human nature to be envious/jealous sometimes and this is something she's just going to have to work out of herself - or not.

This has not been my experience at all. I am lucky enough to own my home outright, and through the generosity of my parents rather than my own hard work. I haven't lost any friends over it, and I would much rather be in my position than theirs.

Yes but they’re just shallow situational friends to pass the time. Not real friends. Rich people have contacts and acquaintances, not real friends

Is losing your parents as an adult a devastating loss? I lost one parent and all the grandparents very young, it’s hard as hell but I don’t think it is a devastating loss.

It sounds like Ann is not in a good place and doesn’t want to soend time with you if it makes her feel worse. It’s likely mainly to do with the kids, and the wealth on top of that. Isn’t that understandable?

I think a good friend of Ann’s would feel sad about it, but ultimately would understand and let things be.

That's a huge OP with so much needless information to say your friends are jealous of your wealth.

Ann can’t help how she feels and your new lifestyle makes her feel poor and rubbish. I understand your hurt, but if she was coming away from socialising with you feeling bad about herself and her situation it’s understandable she’s felt the need to distance. I am single and childless, I have a friend happily married with young children and I have started to distance myself from her because I have started to feel resentful and sad after spending time with her. I know that’s my issue and that my feelings aren’t reasonable but equally I am not going to keep putting myself in a social situation which leaves me feeling unhappy just to preserve her feelings. Our lifestyles are obviously very different now too and so I think that’s added to it, we just don’t have as much in common and so that adds to not enjoying the time we spend together as much. It may be that now you live a very different lifestyle to Ann there is less common ground to talk about, add to that Ann’s feelings of envy and feelings of not being good enough which are obviously exacerbated by seeing you and it’s understandable socialising with you is no longer a priority. Ultimately people want to spend time with people who make them feel good, if a friend isn’t making you feel good about yourself anymore it makes sense not to keep seeing that friend regardless of the reasons behind why you don’t enjoy their company anymore. Obviously in your case the issue is with Ann, you haven’t done anything unreasonable, but that doesn’t mean she’s unreasonable not to feel good in your company anymore.

I think it's absolutely understandable, but your friends told you how they feel and own it being their issue. Ann has basically ghosted a friend who has also had a lot of suffering in recent years. OP I think they have behaved badly but as others have said, it's what they've felt the need to do to protect themselves and we can understand they've had a lot pain. I think it's ok for you to feel a bit gutted that your friends couldn't be honest with you, or rely on one another in hard times, but it is what it is.

I think she's jealous of your twins. She struggled to have one and you now have 4! On top of it all, youre both more wealthy. She feels like it's incredibly unfair. It's her feelings and it isn't right, or anything you have intentionally done. I'd leave them alone. I had a 10 year friendship stop speaking to me because I had a baby, as she struggled with IVF. I didn't do anything wrong, she just felt jealous and we haven't spoken since. It is a shame though, but jealousy does strange things to some folk.

They clearly are talking behind OP's back or the other friend who told them wouldn't know.

Sounds like the wife has been in competition with you all along. I doubt the husband could care less. Money, especially if inherited does mental things to the envious.

I find it really annoying that people like Ann and Ben are allowed to "have their feelings" and you're a cunt if you aren't happy about it

But you aren't allowed to feel pissed off and hurt that they can't be bothered to mask Ann's feelings when you've lost 3 significant family members and could both have been out of jobs and on the dole if you hadn't been lucky enough that the job changes happened at the right time for you. Like, they'll be there for you when times are hard (because they don't feel insecure) but as soon as times are good they can't just be happy for you. It would be absolutely fine to say to your face that they are finding things hard for whatever reason and need some space to to reject you and tell everyone else why is shitty behaviour.

They can "have their feelings" but OP yours are perfectly valid too and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

They are the opposite of fair weather friends because they afe happy to be there when your struggles make them feel good about themselves because they cam play the caring supportive role but can't actually be happy for you. It's plain nasty. Leave Ann and Ben to it and don't be ready to let them come back when they're ready. Behaviour like this is probably why Ann has no friends, it just took ages for you to be the last one on the receiving end.

are they particularly materialistic? It sounds like they could be, which could lead them to be jealous of everyone with stronger wealth. Comparison is the thief of joy as they say. Either way, they sound quite shallow.

the infertility upset is more understandable.

in your shoes I’d text her and tell her how much she means to you and how much you miss her. Leave the door open so she can reestablish the friendship once less frustrated with their own lives.

Seriously?

I’m glad you were able to get through it, but I really don’t think minimising that loss is appropriate when the OP is likely to still be reading this - and it certainly doesn’t do your point any good.

I say fair play to them, they have been honest and vulnerable and not tried to make out it's your fault with accusations of how it's changed you. They have simply acknowledged that it is hard to be around.

I think if it wasn't money you'd feel less offended. Let's say Ann has been trying to get pregnant for ten years while perfect babies just keep arriving for you - would you hold it against her if she confided in friends she finds it too painful to spend time with you?