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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Our friends have distanced themselves from us and we've just found out why!

550 replies

PinkGiraffe1 · 22/02/2025 13:25

Me and DH have been friends with Ann and Ben (not real names) for over 15 years. We're all late 30s now.

Ben and I worked together and introduced our partners early on as we all got on really well. We've been to each other's weddings, been on holiday, lots of day trips. Probably spoke every few days etc. We've been there for new jobs, kids, etc. Helped move house and been there when we've lost parents/grandparents. You get the gist.

We all come from working class backgrounds and pre covid, we had fairly similar lives (in the sense of jobs, homes, holidays, money, lifestyle etc)

Ann got pregnant mid 20s (not planned) and wanted to be traditional so they got married and about 6 months after their son was born, they bought a house near to where she was raised (about 90 mins from us).

Ann & Ben were the first amongst our friends to have children/mortgage/marriage etc. The rest of us followed suit about 5-10 years later. During that time Ann told me she felt quite lonely and isolated from other friends. Then just before Covid her son was diagnosed with ADHD. They also had fertility issues and about a year ago she gave up trying for a second. She's also had health issues which has affected her mobility. Bar me and my DH, she doesn't have anyone else (except her DH and DS). Her words.

Pre covid me and DH had a very average lifestyle - both worked, had 2 kids, 3-bed semi house, holiday once a year etc

During Covid everything changed. I lost both my parents and my last remaining grandparent. Long story short, I inherited a lot of money.

I also got made redundant from a job I'd had for nearly 15 years. I then went freelance and due to the nature of my work (helping small businesses get online) it just took off and has been incredibly lucrative. My husband's boss got fired and he took over being Head of his Department. So he had a huge pay rise.

Between the inheritance, redundancy and new jobs, we've got a lot more money. Most of it has been spent on a bigger house, and yes, we've enjoyed extra holidays, nights out, nicer clothes etc. We've also had 2 more children (twins). We know we're incredibly lucky and we very much try to be humble and unflashy. We don't post on social media and the rest of our friends/family say we're still the same.

However Ann and Ben have been distant with us. They've turned down our invites, not invited us over. Taken ages to reply on WhatsApp (or not at all). We've both asked each of them if everything is okay or if we've done something to cause upset but they say no, they're just busy.

However last week at a mutual friends party (A&B weren't there), Clare, who was a bit drunk) told us that A & B are avoiding us because of our lifestyles and new found wealth. They said they hate that we apparently have it all and they don't. They feel poor and rubbish compared to us.

I was floored. My DH said he didn't believe it. Said its been a misunderstanding. So he called Ben the next day and gently explained what had been said. We expected denials but he confirmed it. He was rather sheepish and apologetic about it but said he had to stand by Ann.

I feel so upset. I don't know whether to speak to Ann or leave it.

Wwyd? I'm so upset as I thought we were close. She knows how devasted and low I was at losing my parents and grandparent. She also knew how much I loved my job. I feel so sad right now.

OP posts:
JoyousGreyOrca · 23/02/2025 19:14

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 23/02/2025 19:10

Of course many celebrities are still in touch with childhood friends. Not everyone reacts with jealousy or strangeness to friends' success, but very many do.

And also yes some people become arrogant with success, but not everyone. I believe op when she says she isn't one of the arrogant ones.

I think it is also about how the celebrities react.

Randomusername37258 · 23/02/2025 19:15

It's only been 3 months??

JessieLongleg · 23/02/2025 19:15

SometimesCalmPerson · 22/02/2025 13:33

It’s not that they personally begrudge you or have stopped liking you, this is entirely about how they’re feeling about themselves. I don’t mean that in a mean way towards them. I can just understand how being around people who have the things they want and need is going to leave them feeling worse about things they’re already feeling bad about. They’re just trying to manage and avoid depressing themselves.

I agree I live in poverty, it very hard. I would also add you can be subtle on social media but close friends will see it differently. Turned disabled myself and so much of life has changed and opportunities have gone. My husband(separated), brother etc are high earners and it hard watching someone spend the same money on a t shirt that you have to live of a week. Sometimes wealthy people do get how they are showing off. I was at a opening for a private school and hearing stuff like people blaming success on the day they was born when it's the same days as me. My last trip to a&e was paid for on 25% credit card. Because I don't even have the money to visit family and feel they get fed up of me.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 23/02/2025 19:26

It’s been three months and she was excited and helped you move into your new home!!!

She threw a baby shower for you when you were pregnant with twins???

Your twins are 7 months old now and she’s stepped back for a short time!

You painted her as a jealous bitter woman who couldn’t handle your happiness and yet it sounds like she’s been your biggest cheerleader until 3 MONTHS ago???!

Maybe the woman is just tired from being home with a child that has sn’s and her own health issues?

Maybe she’s just accepting that she’ll never have more children and it freaking hurts???

This is crazy.

Anne has been a bloody fantastic friend and maybe needs some time to process her own grief.

Clearly this has nothing to do with money and it’s awful you would even believe that given her previous support!

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 23/02/2025 19:29

Trunksarebetter · 23/02/2025 13:05

Yet all the OP has posted has been secondhand from a mutual friend and Ann’s husband; she hasn’t had a direct conversation with Ann.

And that says it all, doesn’t it? Ann simply can’t be arsed to have even one conversation with the OP over this.

I know who I think is “so nasty”.

The woman who helped OP unpack in her new home and threw her a baby shower for her twins?

The same woman who has been quiet for only three months?

The woman who suggested OP go freelance and was happy for her???

That woman?

She sounds bloody fantastic frankly.

housemaus · 23/02/2025 19:31

It isn't really about 'you' per se, in my experience.

A few years back some friends of ours - who we had been reasonably close to - got married in a giant, beautiful wedding paid for by her parents that cost 70k, recieved a big enough wedding gift from their parents jointly that they quit their jobs and travelled for six months AND put a deposit down on a beautiful house in a very nice area, then they came home and both walked into well-paid roles. All amazing for them, of course, and there's nobody nicer, they absolutely deserved all the luck and support they had. But during the same period we had to cancel our long-awaited wedding as we could no longer afford it, DH lost his job and got quite ill and struggled, for several years, in finding any work at all as he was highly specialised in something that you can't really take breaks from. He bounced from minimum wage job to minimum wage job in warehouses etc as available, but we were absolutely brassic. We were living in a shit rented house with not a penny between us as everything we did have was going on bills, had a few quite traumatic things happen, and I got quite ill not not after DH recovered.

We drifted apart from them - it was very hard to go for a cup of tea at their house and see their brand new cars on the drive and hear about the extension they were having while we were considering rehoming our cats because we couldn't afford to live. Our life felt like it was falling to bits and theirs was going really well and it was painful to see the comparison - they were as nice as they could be about it, weren't braggy at all, but it was just really hard for us at the time. It's human to not want to see someone else have what you want right in front of you!

LushLemonTart · 23/02/2025 19:55

@housemaus did you cut all contact?

Edcc · 23/02/2025 19:56

I wouldn't send flowers.
I would send a gift for a store near her, like M&S, to buy her favourite chocolates and flowers. Then she can spend it on anything she likes.

AlexStocks · 23/02/2025 20:04

It's time to move on. Why keep forcing something that just isn't working. The fertility thing alone would be hard for 99% of people. Good on Ben for standing by his wife.

restingbitchface30 · 23/02/2025 20:07

We have friends who are doing really well for themselves compared to 5 years ago and I’m happy for them. They got given 40k when a relative won the lotto and they’ve both had promotions. They’re doing far better financially than me and my partner and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t sting a tiny bit but 99% of me is made up for them. I find it weird to have any other response to a friend doing well!

ThisFluentBiscuit · 23/02/2025 20:12

MumChp · 22/02/2025 13:27

It's always easier to be the one who succeeds in life.

Accept that it's their feelings and decision.

Um, a large chunk of OP's money came from losing BOTH her parents and a grandparent!!

Someone needs to point out to Ann the cost to OP of much of her newfound wealth. I'm QUITE sure that Ann would rather have her parents than lots of money.

Envy is a terrible, terrible thing.

JoyousGreyOrca · 23/02/2025 20:15

@ThisFluentBiscuit I lost my grandparents, parents, in laws, Aunts and Uncles. I am only 62 and have no extended family left. And no inheritance. Sadly we a;; lose our parents and grandparents.

Trunksarebetter · 23/02/2025 20:26

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 23/02/2025 19:29

The woman who helped OP unpack in her new home and threw her a baby shower for her twins?

The same woman who has been quiet for only three months?

The woman who suggested OP go freelance and was happy for her???

That woman?

She sounds bloody fantastic frankly.

So fantastic that she’s now actively avoiding the OP because she’s jealous of her inheritance and success?

ThisFluentBiscuit · 23/02/2025 20:27

Hollyhedge · 22/02/2025 14:06

Is losing your parents as an adult a devastating loss? I lost one parent and all the grandparents very young, it’s hard as hell but I don’t think it is a devastating loss.

You're kidding, aren't you? I was utterly devastated when I lost my parents, and there were lots of secondary losses that resulted from it too.

JoyousGreyOrca · 23/02/2025 20:34

ThisFluentBiscuit · 23/02/2025 20:27

You're kidding, aren't you? I was utterly devastated when I lost my parents, and there were lots of secondary losses that resulted from it too.

It was for me. I have no family now.

Trunksarebetter · 23/02/2025 20:36

Sadly we a;; lose our parents and grandparents.

Why do people keep saying this as if it’s some incredible piece of insight?

We KNOW everyone loses their parents (unless they die young themselves). It doesn’t make it any less painful - especially if you were expecting them to be around to see their grandchildren grow up, and suddenly they’re not even there to see them born.

Posters are queuing up to say how devastated Ann must be not to be able to have a second child. But losing your parents is apparently just something you should just suck up with a shrug and an “Oh well - happens to us all”.

JoyousGreyOrca · 23/02/2025 20:40

@Trunksarebetter I was devastated at both my parents dying young.
But saying effectively well someone deserves a big inheritance because they lost their parents is stupid. We all do. Most people get no or a small inheritance

Britgc · 23/02/2025 20:44

The only time I'd dislike a rich person was if they looked down on others who had less.

Trunksarebetter · 23/02/2025 20:46

I don’t think anyone said the OP “deserved” a big inheritance. Just that it isn’t a lucky break, considering the price it comes at.

ItsCalledAConversation · 23/02/2025 20:49

This. Wealth is relative.

We had this done to us by a very old and close school friend and her DH (who was always a bit of a wanker tbf). We started to do a bit better for ourselves, nothing flash, but a mutual friend told us they were just eating themselves up with envy and couldn’t bear it. So they cut all friendship off with us. At the time, I was gutted.

They failed to see how our extra few hundred sq feet on a house or extra holiday a year paled in comparison to the constant childcare on tap that they enjoy from three full sets of grandparents; their family time and free holidays at g’parents’ second homes in Devon, Cornwall and Switzerland; their healthy, happy children and secure jobs with large pensions. They never even talked to us about how they were feeling.

Looking back it’s 100% on them. Envy is one of the deadly sins for good reason.

TrixieMixie · 23/02/2025 21:01

BettyBardMacDonald · 22/02/2025 20:34

I'll be honest, I distanced myself from a friend of 30 years for this reason.

We were mostly on par throughout our lives, in fact to the outward eye, I may have been the more successful - two university degrees, "professional" job, lots of travel, etc. She lived in a less nice area, had no advanced education and mostly low-level jobs.

She got desperate for a husband, snatched up a man-baby and had a terrible marriage from age 40 to her late 50s. No kids. A few years ago her husband died unexpectedly and she came into his pension and a massive amount of life insurance.

She understandably quit work and per her financial advisor has more than she can possibly spend. She didn't really upgrade her lifestyle, just potters in the garden, walks her dogs and hangs out with her new man. She hasn't been more than 40 miles from home in at least 15 years, has never been abroad, no desire even to go to London. But her constant mention of her newfound wealth is grating.

I have good savings but can't really retire for several years yet because I don't want her lifestyle; I want to travel and enjoy seeing the world. That she "hit the jackpot" simply because she stuck it out in a shitty and abusive marriage, rather than by any efforts of her own, is grating. I worked hard in uni and in my career and to be less well off than someone who never tried and who didn't have the gumption to kick her abusive spouse to the curb is annoying. I leave her to get on with it and we are down to exchanging Christmas cards now, if that.

It may not be rational but it's how I feel. No overtures from her would change that, it would just make things more awkward. So you might want to think twice before badgering Ann.

I relate to this. A friend who has been came into a huge amount of money through sheer good fortune and flaunts it all the time. I don’t resent her having this stroke of luck, but it kinda makes me feel a mug for having worked hard, saved and ‘done everything right’ all my life - she’s done the opposite, frittered money and would have had a poor old age if it weren’t for her ‘lottery win’. I realise this is on me not her and try to deal with it by thinking of it as a cosmic joke at my expense to keep me humble…. And by recognising that of course it’s not about me at all. I have been very lucky and I have had plenty of rewards of my hard work - the fact she has more money for doing nothing is neither here nor there.
Truth is, what’s happening in other people’s lives doesn’t affect you one way or another. Life is random. People don’t always get what they deserve, good or bad.

Drummergirl1971 · 23/02/2025 21:34

I don’t thinks it’s so much about your lifestyle & luck, altho it outwardly is, I think that’s just the catalyst. I wonder if she’s in a deep depression/having a breakdown & can’t handle having to confront her “failures” in life & so avoids you to avoid having to reckon with it? Beat of luck anyway - a lot of pain on all sides 🙏🏽

Itsyourwifeymacrid · 23/02/2025 22:36

PinkGiraffe1 · 22/02/2025 13:25

Me and DH have been friends with Ann and Ben (not real names) for over 15 years. We're all late 30s now.

Ben and I worked together and introduced our partners early on as we all got on really well. We've been to each other's weddings, been on holiday, lots of day trips. Probably spoke every few days etc. We've been there for new jobs, kids, etc. Helped move house and been there when we've lost parents/grandparents. You get the gist.

We all come from working class backgrounds and pre covid, we had fairly similar lives (in the sense of jobs, homes, holidays, money, lifestyle etc)

Ann got pregnant mid 20s (not planned) and wanted to be traditional so they got married and about 6 months after their son was born, they bought a house near to where she was raised (about 90 mins from us).

Ann & Ben were the first amongst our friends to have children/mortgage/marriage etc. The rest of us followed suit about 5-10 years later. During that time Ann told me she felt quite lonely and isolated from other friends. Then just before Covid her son was diagnosed with ADHD. They also had fertility issues and about a year ago she gave up trying for a second. She's also had health issues which has affected her mobility. Bar me and my DH, she doesn't have anyone else (except her DH and DS). Her words.

Pre covid me and DH had a very average lifestyle - both worked, had 2 kids, 3-bed semi house, holiday once a year etc

During Covid everything changed. I lost both my parents and my last remaining grandparent. Long story short, I inherited a lot of money.

I also got made redundant from a job I'd had for nearly 15 years. I then went freelance and due to the nature of my work (helping small businesses get online) it just took off and has been incredibly lucrative. My husband's boss got fired and he took over being Head of his Department. So he had a huge pay rise.

Between the inheritance, redundancy and new jobs, we've got a lot more money. Most of it has been spent on a bigger house, and yes, we've enjoyed extra holidays, nights out, nicer clothes etc. We've also had 2 more children (twins). We know we're incredibly lucky and we very much try to be humble and unflashy. We don't post on social media and the rest of our friends/family say we're still the same.

However Ann and Ben have been distant with us. They've turned down our invites, not invited us over. Taken ages to reply on WhatsApp (or not at all). We've both asked each of them if everything is okay or if we've done something to cause upset but they say no, they're just busy.

However last week at a mutual friends party (A&B weren't there), Clare, who was a bit drunk) told us that A & B are avoiding us because of our lifestyles and new found wealth. They said they hate that we apparently have it all and they don't. They feel poor and rubbish compared to us.

I was floored. My DH said he didn't believe it. Said its been a misunderstanding. So he called Ben the next day and gently explained what had been said. We expected denials but he confirmed it. He was rather sheepish and apologetic about it but said he had to stand by Ann.

I feel so upset. I don't know whether to speak to Ann or leave it.

Wwyd? I'm so upset as I thought we were close. She knows how devasted and low I was at losing my parents and grandparent. She also knew how much I loved my job. I feel so sad right now.

good for you for doing well,I'd be happy for you if you was my friend,would ask to borrow money all the time tho so probs would do your head in 😄 no seriously there not good friends if they can just switch like that and to me for no reason apart from been jealous,you enjoy your life and don't worry about people that don't worry about you,enjoy your new found wealth as we only live once

IfItWasUpToMeIWould · 23/02/2025 22:36

Both DH and I came from humble backgrounds, all of our friends were far better off than us in every way. It was quite a few years ago but we won money (we didn’t tell anyone), and it was enough to buy a house outright in a beautiful little village, this was only 35 mins from where we previously lived but not one of our friends accepted an invite to come and see us. At time we were incredibly upset, but eventually we stopped inviting them. Real friends are pleased for you when life changes for the better, jealous friends are not.

Gogogo12345 · 24/02/2025 02:01

ThisFluentBiscuit · 23/02/2025 20:12

Um, a large chunk of OP's money came from losing BOTH her parents and a grandparent!!

Someone needs to point out to Ann the cost to OP of much of her newfound wealth. I'm QUITE sure that Ann would rather have her parents than lots of money.

Envy is a terrible, terrible thing.

But Ann could possibly lose bother parents and not a penny in inheritance. .