Our friends have distanced themselves from us and we've just found out why!

[PinkGiraffe1]

Me and DH have been friends with Ann and Ben (not real names) for over 15 years. We're all late 30s now.

Ben and I worked together and introduced our partners early on as we all got on really well. We've been to each other's weddings, been on holiday, lots of day trips. Probably spoke every few days etc. We've been there for new jobs, kids, etc. Helped move house and been there when we've lost parents/grandparents. You get the gist.

We all come from working class backgrounds and pre covid, we had fairly similar lives (in the sense of jobs, homes, holidays, money, lifestyle etc)

Ann got pregnant mid 20s (not planned) and wanted to be traditional so they got married and about 6 months after their son was born, they bought a house near to where she was raised (about 90 mins from us).

Ann & Ben were the first amongst our friends to have children/mortgage/marriage etc. The rest of us followed suit about 5-10 years later. During that time Ann told me she felt quite lonely and isolated from other friends. Then just before Covid her son was diagnosed with ADHD. They also had fertility issues and about a year ago she gave up trying for a second. She's also had health issues which has affected her mobility. Bar me and my DH, she doesn't have anyone else (except her DH and DS). Her words.

Pre covid me and DH had a very average lifestyle - both worked, had 2 kids, 3-bed semi house, holiday once a year etc

During Covid everything changed. I lost both my parents and my last remaining grandparent. Long story short, I inherited a lot of money.

I also got made redundant from a job I'd had for nearly 15 years. I then went freelance and due to the nature of my work (helping small businesses get online) it just took off and has been incredibly lucrative. My husband's boss got fired and he took over being Head of his Department. So he had a huge pay rise.

Between the inheritance, redundancy and new jobs, we've got a lot more money. Most of it has been spent on a bigger house, and yes, we've enjoyed extra holidays, nights out, nicer clothes etc. We've also had 2 more children (twins). We know we're incredibly lucky and we very much try to be humble and unflashy. We don't post on social media and the rest of our friends/family say we're still the same.

However Ann and Ben have been distant with us. They've turned down our invites, not invited us over. Taken ages to reply on WhatsApp (or not at all). We've both asked each of them if everything is okay or if we've done something to cause upset but they say no, they're just busy.

However last week at a mutual friends party (A&B weren't there), Clare, who was a bit drunk) told us that A & B are avoiding us because of our lifestyles and new found wealth. They said they hate that we apparently have it all and they don't. They feel poor and rubbish compared to us.

I was floored. My DH said he didn't believe it. Said its been a misunderstanding. So he called Ben the next day and gently explained what had been said. We expected denials but he confirmed it. He was rather sheepish and apologetic about it but said he had to stand by Ann.

I feel so upset. I don't know whether to speak to Ann or leave it.

Wwyd? I'm so upset as I thought we were close. She knows how devasted and low I was at losing my parents and grandparent. She also knew how much I loved my job. I feel so sad right now.

You need to leave it. Do you really need to hear from her how she’s finding things difficult and while she’s happy for you, she’s also jealous of you too? She’s human and there will part of her who sees you living a happier life that she could have had.

Obviously you are human too and have had your share of problems and trauma but you don’t want to get into a pissing match of who has it harder. She probably knows deep down that you have been sensitive about your success too but seeing or hearing from you is probably tough for her and it’s easier to let the friendship slide than force herself to be brave.

I’m really sorry but I definitely think that talking to her is a bad idea

What’s it going to achieve by calling her? Nothing probably. She will still feel the same. Just leave them to it.

Your friends are struggling and feeling down, and you are not helping.

The decent thing to do would be to leave them alone. They are not being rude or talking behind your back, they just take a step back. That sounds sensible.

I agree, it's not just the money, the twins, everything is coming together.

No one is saying it's your fault or you've done anything malicious, but you can appreciate they don't need a constant reminder that they are not achieving what you have.

She also knew how much I loved my job. you've seem to have been doing quite well, and that's fine, but that kind of comments to her would be really insensitive!

I've been Ann.
I've been you.
All your feelings are valid.
I also suspect it's your twins that A&B are struggling with. They are harder to ignore than the money!

Where’s Ann’s empathy for the fact that the OP lost both her parents?

A real friend would be so happy for you. Sadly these people were not real friends, so leave it alone and move on with your life.

I always think it’s so odd when people see inheritance as people getting access to a pot of gold. You have to suffer the devastation of losing someone you love to get it, so yes it’s nice to have but most people would trade it in a heartbeat to get their loved one back. I think Ann sounds extremely short sighted to feel as she does, knowing how much loss you suffered.

Only if you think money solves everything which is an immature view.

Money can help protect you from somethings but it absolutely does not protect you from certain hardships. I've met and worked for some very wealthy people with whom I wouldn't swap a minute of my life for theirs.

I'm surprised that you're surprised. It doesn't take much imagination to see that your friends fertility issues and your change in lifestyle might come between you.

Might be but it's the feelings of Ann and Ben. I would leave it there..

I would just leave it OP, you could maybe just send a message stating that you miss them and hope you can catch up one day. This doesn't sound like anything you've done and you can't help how they feel (justified or not).

Blimey I hope you feel better for getting all of that off your chest OP?

There is of course two sides here and we only have one of them but either way, you can’t force them to want to spend time with you for any reason.

Might be but it's the feelings of Ann and Ben. I would leave it there.

The fertility issues are probably the big one. We’ve had friends say that they can’t come over as their IVF hasn’t worked and it’s difficult for them to be around families. It’s totally understandable.

Leave them alone, OP. If you can read what you wrote and not feel empathy and understanding, that's on you. She's protecting herself. Let her.

With that I can agree, it's not worth persuing the friendship once difficult emotions have crept in.

where did you see she didn't show any?

They feel poor and rubbish compared to us

I think just let them be. They are finding things tough and your change in circumstances has made that harder to deal with. Their response doesn't sound that healthy, but maybe if the roles were reversed you would also feel as they do?

If you want to reach out you could perhaps send a card saying something like 'we were thinking of you and just wanted to reach out to say if you ever want to catch up, give us a call', please don't phone someone who is presumably not feeling great. Some people do hunker down in hard times.

I only have the same information as you, i.e. no mention of how Ann was four/five years ago when the OP lost her parents. She does say in the OP that they've seen each other through such losses previously, whether her parents were included in that I don't know, you'd need to ask the OP.

What I do know is that we can only control our own behaviour so stomping your foot and saying "but Ann isn't empathetic either" doesn't justify a lack of empathy for her situation. Two wrongs don't make a right.

This - poor Ann (and Ben)

Instead of showing support and compassion for OP, she ditched her because she was jealous of her inheritance. If that’s her version of empathy, I’d hate to be someone she doesn’t care about.

Since you have had a gargantuan increase in financial wealth through a double inheritance whilst Ann & Ben are financially in the same position they were in years ago, meaning they have been left far behind you in terms of wealth whilst you have gone on to buy a bigger house, nicer clothes and go on lots of holidays, plus on top of that you've had 2 more children whilst Ann has had to deal with the pain of secondary infertility, I am not at all surprised that your friendship has been affected.
TBH I'd be much more surprised if it hadn't been.
Ask most big lottery winners and successful business people and they will tell you they lost good friends along the way.
It's very obvious to me why Ann has distanced herself from you.
Unfortunately, life is not fair. There is no reason whatsoever why Ann doesn't deserve to be given loads of money, a bigger house, nice clothes, a successful career change, for her husband Ben to have a whopping great pay rise, to go on lots of holidays and have more babies. She deserves all those things every bit as much as you do. But she hasn't got them. And every time she sees you, you will represent to her all that is unfair in life. Which understandably means she doesn't want to see you.
This twee notion of having friends that are nothing but happy for you and your phenomenal change in life circumstances whilst they carry on struggling is terribly naïve.

They are right. They don't feel good about themselves in your presence, so they don't want to feel envious and they did the right thing. Nothing wrong in their behaviour.

Money is generally a factor that poisons everything. Even in families people turn when money is involved. It’s life. You can have one thing (money/success)) and not others (friends/ feeling of community). It’s completely normal. That’s why wealthy people have loads of children, because no wealthy person really has a friend that doesn’t count their money as part of the equation

YABU to have so little self worth as to chase a friendship with Ann - she’s treated you like turd! Ben is collateral if he’s standing by his miserable and jealous wife. True friends would be happy for you. (Although speaking as one of a set of 4 siblings, I do not envy you one bit on that score!)

Sometimes when you're struggling with failure (I very much doubt Ann has come to terms with giving up on a much wanted second child) you just don't have space for other stuff.

You lost a friend and that's sad, but Ann's likely struggling at the moment to see any silver linings to her situation.