Our friends have distanced themselves from us and we've just found out why!

[PinkGiraffe1]

Me and DH have been friends with Ann and Ben (not real names) for over 15 years. We're all late 30s now.

Ben and I worked together and introduced our partners early on as we all got on really well. We've been to each other's weddings, been on holiday, lots of day trips. Probably spoke every few days etc. We've been there for new jobs, kids, etc. Helped move house and been there when we've lost parents/grandparents. You get the gist.

We all come from working class backgrounds and pre covid, we had fairly similar lives (in the sense of jobs, homes, holidays, money, lifestyle etc)

Ann got pregnant mid 20s (not planned) and wanted to be traditional so they got married and about 6 months after their son was born, they bought a house near to where she was raised (about 90 mins from us).

Ann & Ben were the first amongst our friends to have children/mortgage/marriage etc. The rest of us followed suit about 5-10 years later. During that time Ann told me she felt quite lonely and isolated from other friends. Then just before Covid her son was diagnosed with ADHD. They also had fertility issues and about a year ago she gave up trying for a second. She's also had health issues which has affected her mobility. Bar me and my DH, she doesn't have anyone else (except her DH and DS). Her words.

Pre covid me and DH had a very average lifestyle - both worked, had 2 kids, 3-bed semi house, holiday once a year etc

During Covid everything changed. I lost both my parents and my last remaining grandparent. Long story short, I inherited a lot of money.

I also got made redundant from a job I'd had for nearly 15 years. I then went freelance and due to the nature of my work (helping small businesses get online) it just took off and has been incredibly lucrative. My husband's boss got fired and he took over being Head of his Department. So he had a huge pay rise.

Between the inheritance, redundancy and new jobs, we've got a lot more money. Most of it has been spent on a bigger house, and yes, we've enjoyed extra holidays, nights out, nicer clothes etc. We've also had 2 more children (twins). We know we're incredibly lucky and we very much try to be humble and unflashy. We don't post on social media and the rest of our friends/family say we're still the same.

However Ann and Ben have been distant with us. They've turned down our invites, not invited us over. Taken ages to reply on WhatsApp (or not at all). We've both asked each of them if everything is okay or if we've done something to cause upset but they say no, they're just busy.

However last week at a mutual friends party (A&B weren't there), Clare, who was a bit drunk) told us that A & B are avoiding us because of our lifestyles and new found wealth. They said they hate that we apparently have it all and they don't. They feel poor and rubbish compared to us.

I was floored. My DH said he didn't believe it. Said its been a misunderstanding. So he called Ben the next day and gently explained what had been said. We expected denials but he confirmed it. He was rather sheepish and apologetic about it but said he had to stand by Ann.

I feel so upset. I don't know whether to speak to Ann or leave it.

Wwyd? I'm so upset as I thought we were close. She knows how devasted and low I was at losing my parents and grandparent. She also knew how much I loved my job. I feel so sad right now.

It must’ve been so hard losing both your parents and grandparent around the same time. And when only in your 30s, with young kids. Really tough. It goes without saying you’d rather they were still here, to be grandparents to your kids, than have the inheritance.

Sounds to me like Ann’s really struggling. She’s focussed on being a mum from a young age. She’s (presumably) not financially independent and has no real life outside her home. And it must be worrying and tiring if her DS has additional needs. Plus, she must be feeling the loss of being unable to give him a sibling.

She may be a little jealous of you if her life is so limited and such a struggle. But perhaps she’s also having a crisis of confidence and doesn’t feel good enough. Perhaps she’s experiencing depression.

I’d invite her out for a walk and some lunch and ask how she is. Really listen. Give her space to open up. Let her know how much you value her and her friendship. How such friendships, where you’ve been through so much together, are really important. To be there for each other through life’s ups and downs.

That’s all you can do. If she still doesn’t want to be friends, all you can do is let her know how sad that makes you and that you’ll always be there for her. When people have depression (if that’s what is it), they withdraw from their friends. So, every so often, ask her how she is and ask if she’d like another walk and lunch. Keep the door open.

That's great for you!

It's certainly not been my experience not that of several others I know but I'm glad it worked out for you.

I completely agree.
There’s a lot of mentions of support for Ann dealing with her fertility but very little the other way for OP who has lost 3 family members and a job in a short space of time. I’m sure OP would rather have her parents than her new house but this is the hand she’s been dealt with. I can’t imagine OP saying I can’t be friends with Ann anymore because her mum is still alive. Is Ann ditching all of her friends that have children now, or just the wealthy ones?
Ann is jealous and understandably to a point but throwing a friendship away due to jealousy is hurtful, OP has now lost 3 family members, a job and a friend!

The saying jealousy is a disease really is true.

It might be easier for them to say they are jealous of your money, than anything else. How much is their DC's autism affecting their lives?
I have distanced myself from many friends who had children about the same time as we did. Our DS is in his 20s, severely autistic, non verbal, self-harming, prone to violence, and ultimately life is v.challenging, for him, first of all.
I understand where my resentment springs from, and I'm not proud of it, but seeing our friends posting updates on FB about their kids' achievements, going to Yale, Harvard etc, winning awards, just makes me incredibly sad, that our boy will never be able to hold a relationship, have a job, and will most likely end up in an institution, unloved, when we're no longer able to care for him.
I keep telling myself that I should not be bitter about other people's happier stories. Could the same be one of the reasons your friends have distanced themselves?

You've obviously gone through a lot of heartbreak and difficulty to obtain a lot of your wealth, and I'm sure deep down Ann realises this, but it won't necessarily prevent the jealousy she feels at you getting a bigger house, buying lots of nice new clothes, taking more holidays etc. It doesn't matter how humble you try to be, it will still prickle if they themselves are struggling a bit. Add to that the fact you've managed to have two more children, while she's struggled with infertility, on top of her health problems, so Ann is probably upset that you seem to have everything and she doesn't. She will be completely putting aside the tragic circumstances that led to your wealth. Sadly your lives have gone in different directions and it's unlikely you'll ever regain the old friendship you once had.

As someone who battled with secondary infertility, but who was lucky enough to get my second child, I can totally relate to Ann for those years I was without my second. It was so hard to be around someone who had four. And that's without the issue of a child with SN vs your healthy four, her own health problems, not to mention the wealth that has lead to your luxury lifestyle. Leave her be, and have some sympathy. You are VASTLY better off, and even the saintliest of Anns would struggle with this. I'd say it's the lack of a second child and the health/sn, more than the wealth. So for that alone, YABU.

I also bet you aren't as modest about your success or wealth or holidays or lovely home as you think you are.

Unfortunately, it is probably you having more children that’s caused this. It’s really sad OP but unfortunately there’s nothing you can do about it. You will just have to accept that’s how she wants it and move on.

I suspect it’s the infertility. I don’t have personal experience but as a “one and done” many friends confided in me about secondary infertility and couldn’t be around those with two or three children or new babies. I guess I was a safe place for them as not intending to try for a second child.

Your lives have taken different directions and there is less common ground. It's normal. Move on.

Also, your weren't especially young when you lost your parents, and especially your last grandparent. Of course, for most, losing a parent is hard - but you were in your thirties, not under 20.

Well obviously they know that you know now. I wouldn't call Ann, but I kight text saying that you're sorry they feel that way and you'd still like to be friends and care about her. Obviously phraised better.

I don't think there are bad guys in this. Ann and Ben are nor going around badmouthing you. They acknowledge they're jealous and struggle to be around you since you've been a lot more successful (in their standards) so they've taken a step back. That's not really something you can explain and therefore the slow fade is the only way to go about it.

I would agree with this. I think it’s the twins. The money and lifestyle she could probably admit but this is a far harder one to admit distancing from you over because it’s a source of pain far greater than wealth for her.

I don’t think I would want to be friends with someone so childishly jealous.

This.

Tbh I agree with this. You are being friends to them by letting this pass. It's not fair but you're happily in a truly wonderful situation and if they struggled with fertility and money it might just be too difficult for them to stomach right now to see you with everything they ever wanted. Again not saying it's fair but it's what they need right now, some space.

We had friends who did the same to us when we sent our kids to private school and they couldn't afford to. She openly admitted this later direct to me. I can't control how they feel but I also was not going to make different life choices to ensure she was happy.

I am happy to say they made a good investment choice later and they are doing really rather well tlfor themselves now, probably more than we are but rather than me feeling bitter I am genuinely pleased for her.

Just accept that people can't always control their feelings and move on with other friends who don't begrudge you your life!

It is hard to know their exact reasons. You don't know exactly their feelings as they have been relayed by someone else. Could you perhaps have inadvertently rubbed it in their faces? Not accusing you but do consider that they see the situation differently. I had to cut contact with an old friend who was wealthier, because she suddenly started looking down her nose at me as she got richer. Backhanded comments, everything designed to make me feel crapper about my situation. Putting down the wine I bought to share, making comments about the cost of everything or things I owned being cheap. Even her kid made nasty comments about their house being better than ours! In the end I had to accept she had changed. I'm not saying this is you but it is something to bear in mind. Two people can have different experiences of a situation. They are not always both wrong.

Often the best friendships are based on common ground. I have a friend whose circumstances were always very similar to mine, we would chat about cost of living, how to afford helping kids at university, the usual things. There was a feeling we were in it together. He has now come into a lot of money and whilst the friendship has on the surface sailed on as before some of that common ground is lost. I suspect Ann and Ben are experiencing this x100. Your lives have moved in a completely different direction and theirs are very much the same and as well as the difficult feelings around fertility and money, they probably don’t feel like they have that shared experience with you anymore on which to base the friendship. Put simply, you now have a lot less in common.

Maybe reach out and let her know how much her friendship means to you.

She may be feeling low and not great about herself. I’ve been there and felt the need to shut people out.

Congratulations on the success of your freelance business! I am envious as I’m not brave enough to do it (yet!).

She's a rotten apple and rather than be pleased for you l, she's rather seethe and fester.

You're better off without her in your life as everything she touches will risk being touched by the rotten part of her and become spoiled.

I hate people like her.

The problem is caused by Ann's perspective on her life, and on your life. It's worth trying to talk to her if you value her friendship, she might not listen but at least you will have tried. In an ideal world, she would be able to see that your friendship is about you as people, and should transcend your personal circumstances, which can change in an instant for anyone, in all sorts of ways, as you know.
Perhaps your DH can have another chat with Ben, who might well want to continue to meet up.

This is also a really good point. Ignoring all of the loss and heartache on both sides and empathy/jealousy etc., you're just in very different spaces now.

From a practical perspective you're not a good fit for holidays and days out with each other anymore. She has one older child with SN, you have four younger NT children. She has mobility issues, you don't. You have a much bigger budget than them etc. It's just circumstance.

And the good health. She's incredibly young to have health problems affecting her mobility. Add in the demands of a child with ADHD and the emotional stress of not being able to have another child. If they were always good friends, I imagine these are much bigger factors than the money.

I sympathise. We have had a similar situation with a couple we know now distant and weird. For us the breaking point of the friendship seems to have been the fact that our three children are at a boarding school and whilst it's going to be eye watering our ability to pay these fees is not at risk. It's a shame. The wife is godmother to our middle child but no matter how much I try and maintain contact/invite them to stay or engage they are tired/busy or already away. Nothing we can do.