Our friends have distanced themselves from us and we've just found out why!

[PinkGiraffe1]

Me and DH have been friends with Ann and Ben (not real names) for over 15 years. We're all late 30s now.

Ben and I worked together and introduced our partners early on as we all got on really well. We've been to each other's weddings, been on holiday, lots of day trips. Probably spoke every few days etc. We've been there for new jobs, kids, etc. Helped move house and been there when we've lost parents/grandparents. You get the gist.

We all come from working class backgrounds and pre covid, we had fairly similar lives (in the sense of jobs, homes, holidays, money, lifestyle etc)

Ann got pregnant mid 20s (not planned) and wanted to be traditional so they got married and about 6 months after their son was born, they bought a house near to where she was raised (about 90 mins from us).

Ann & Ben were the first amongst our friends to have children/mortgage/marriage etc. The rest of us followed suit about 5-10 years later. During that time Ann told me she felt quite lonely and isolated from other friends. Then just before Covid her son was diagnosed with ADHD. They also had fertility issues and about a year ago she gave up trying for a second. She's also had health issues which has affected her mobility. Bar me and my DH, she doesn't have anyone else (except her DH and DS). Her words.

Pre covid me and DH had a very average lifestyle - both worked, had 2 kids, 3-bed semi house, holiday once a year etc

During Covid everything changed. I lost both my parents and my last remaining grandparent. Long story short, I inherited a lot of money.

I also got made redundant from a job I'd had for nearly 15 years. I then went freelance and due to the nature of my work (helping small businesses get online) it just took off and has been incredibly lucrative. My husband's boss got fired and he took over being Head of his Department. So he had a huge pay rise.

Between the inheritance, redundancy and new jobs, we've got a lot more money. Most of it has been spent on a bigger house, and yes, we've enjoyed extra holidays, nights out, nicer clothes etc. We've also had 2 more children (twins). We know we're incredibly lucky and we very much try to be humble and unflashy. We don't post on social media and the rest of our friends/family say we're still the same.

However Ann and Ben have been distant with us. They've turned down our invites, not invited us over. Taken ages to reply on WhatsApp (or not at all). We've both asked each of them if everything is okay or if we've done something to cause upset but they say no, they're just busy.

However last week at a mutual friends party (A&B weren't there), Clare, who was a bit drunk) told us that A & B are avoiding us because of our lifestyles and new found wealth. They said they hate that we apparently have it all and they don't. They feel poor and rubbish compared to us.

I was floored. My DH said he didn't believe it. Said its been a misunderstanding. So he called Ben the next day and gently explained what had been said. We expected denials but he confirmed it. He was rather sheepish and apologetic about it but said he had to stand by Ann.

I feel so upset. I don't know whether to speak to Ann or leave it.

Wwyd? I'm so upset as I thought we were close. She knows how devasted and low I was at losing my parents and grandparent. She also knew how much I loved my job. I feel so sad right now.

I think that's a very skewed take on it.
The op lost most of her family and if Ann had half an ounce of empathy maybe she'd realise that. But no she's hurt and taking it out on the op.

We have a friendship group that is breaking a part. Partially cause we've changed as people, 15yo are differnet from 35yo. Partially because some have kids and some don't so there is a natural divide and then add that some childless ones really struggle with not having a family. Then there is an educational divide. Then there is successful in your career and people just having a job divide. Then there is very different lifestyles between renting a one bed flat and other buying a brand new car+second property and architect designing a brand new house. I love these people and they've been my friends for decades. But I also do feel like a loser whenever we hang out. Not actively all the time but there are moments when chatting. It's not their fault. But it is a complicated feeling. I'm not gonna stop hanging out with them but we have kind of been divided that we rarely hang out as a group anymore. We've divided the group that "same level" people spend more time together.

Agree with all of this - well put.

It sounds like Anne is protecting her mental health as best she can. Being around you was hurting her, so she did what she had to do. Its no different really to staying away from social media because it makes you feel bad etc. It's not your fault but Anne's priority rightly is Anne and she is doing what she needs to do.

I wouldn’t call three deaths in the family ‘success’.

OP maybe had more means to put into her business, which aided its success, but the cost for those means was the loss of her parents and grandparent, who left her their money.

Inheritance is something lots of us don’t get, but it always means someone has died.

Perfectly put.

It doesn’t sound like they are being arseholes about it- no silly game playing or anything like that, they’ve pulled back.

Leave them be.

And I’m the one who has succeeded in life with regards to family and money and can completely respect why some people struggle with the changes- especially with regards to fertility.

again, where did you see that?

The OP lost her family during Covid, where did you see the friends distanced themselves from the funeral?

You are just making things up. Read the OP at least.

I think it’s more complex than that.

Cut them off, they're petty and jealous, it's pathetic

I've seen this kind of thing before, but none of this would have happened if you'd donated your windfall inherited wealth to the Cats Protection.

Is this a stealth post? Maybe you’ve been rubbing it in their face.

and presumably donated the babies to an adoptive family?

Don't be so ridiculous.

They've already stepped back. OP just needs to leave them alone.

When you say 'working class backgrounds' what do you actually mean? Because no-one I know who is from a genuinely working class background, including myself, has or will be inheriting a lot of money, even if 3 relatives died fairly close together.

I just don't think you're working class, so perhaps the relationship was already a bit imbalanced if Ann & Ben genuinely were and it was glossed over until it wasn't able to be.

Who knows.

First post is a bit of a humble brag tbh. You've really hammered home just how much money you now have. You could have written the post without all that and it would still have contained the relevant info.

I'm sure there are other valid ways of looking at it too, but I have to say I cringed when reading that your husband called Ben to confront him about their reasons for choosing to back off from you and your husband. "Hey guys, we hear you're super jealous of us! Yeah, well, don't be!"

Ann and Ben chose to share that confidence with someone else, not with either of you. So, to me, that call was rather intrusive and I imagine, rather mortifying on the receiving end.

The thing is, people have the right to back off from friendships. Of course, on the receiving end, we'd often want a reason and a chance to straighten it out, but we're not entitled to it. People do have a way of moving on over time more often than not, from those they've known for a long time as well as those they haven't known for long. Most prefer to do so quietly. I'd probably only choose to share my reasons if I wanted to try to repair a relationship.

Here, you two had already inquired to them more than once about what the issue was and been met with the non-answers that were all they wanted to give you. Yet, when being given information that they didn't intend for you to have, you pursued them again, armed with it and demanding answers.

To be honest, from that and some other comments, I do detect at least some amount of "tone deafness" on the part of you and your husband.

Now you're asking if you should... continue to push yourselves on them? My answer is a resounding "no." While I get the feeling and feel for you on it, I think you need to respect the boundaries they've quite clearly established with you two. Sorry you lost your friends, though.

I have to also say that op might not be rubbing it in. But it is quite impossible to answer the question "how are you" without 'rubbing it in'. You'll talk about kids, you walk about work, you talk about holidays etc. You see the other person coming in in a barberry coat while you're wearing primark. You'll get a glass of wine and mention how you had it while in Tuscany. You'll talk about your annoying coworkers but they're all c-suite instead of Margaret from accounting who keeps drinking your milk.

You do realise op lost both her parents and her last grandparent and that's why she inherited the money? I would hardly call her lucky. Clare's not happy with her lot in life so she's projecting onto her only friend. She needs therapy

Ann is depressed. It is a her problem, not a you problem.theres nothijg you can do about it really.D

did that thread touch a nerve with you or something?

what an over-reaction about a complete stranger.

Yeah, she should just suck it up really.

Fucking hell.

I agree with previous posters- it is only natural to fell what A & B feel.

I didn't say the OP was lucky.

I said Ann was unlucky. She's struggling with secondary infertility, a child with SN and her own ill health/disability. I'd say that was pretty unlucky, wouldn't you?!

I also think it's fairly clear why Ann is unhappy with her life. I think it's quite evident to anyone with the ability to empathise.

Id say ann might struggling with the fact you had twins and they have fertility issues

Honestly OP I would distance myself from you as well. Not for anything personal, but for similar reasons I don't have any friends who have polar opposite political views to mine, the cultures we invest in, our lifestyle and what we choose to support wouldn't align and it would drive a wedge. Ann probably feels similarly, her complaints and successes and now hugely different to yours and without that kind of familiar foundation it can be hard to either form a friendship or continue in one .

Me and my husband came into quite a lot of money in the last couple of years and yes, we've been on some amazing holidays, bought a big house and we have expensive hobbies.

Thankfully we haven't lost any friends over it, but there is the odd snide comment.

I wouldn't trade any of it of course, we've been lucky, but I sometimes find myself being very careful when having conversations with friends. For example, I only talk about any of this stuff if people ask. If they ask where we're going on holiday, I'll tell them. If they ask to come and see our house, I'll gladly show them. At the end of the day I'm still 'normal' and can have normal conversations.

So I do understand how Ann feels. It isn't personal, it's just a shame she feels so low about when own situation and your situation is reminding her of that.
Life can be so incredibly unfair and it's a shame your friendship has been affected by that constant reminder.

I do think it's probably the infertility though, which be the cruellist of all.