Volunteering got complicated …..

[MellowTiger]

I didn’t really know how to title this post. My DH & I volunteer for the same charity. He became involved with volunteer (female) -unknown to me this has been off and on for 6 years. It’s mainly s/text and phone/video call but it’s been very explicit & talk of moving in together. I found out & when challenged he ended it.
OW then started to be awkward with me in online meetings etc (we rarely meet F2F). It got to the point where other people commented on it. We were due to meet F2F as a group so I messaged OW saying requesting she didn’t attend (I have to go she doesn’t). I also said that if she continued being the way she was I would take it further in the organisation and that she couldn’t deny the relationship because I have photos of their conversations.
She put in a complaint saying I had threatened her, which has now been upheld and I now have to be interviewed to be sanctioned.
I feel this is really unfair AIBU? This is a personal matter, I was polite and although I see there was 100 ways to word it, I don’t think saying I’ll take it further (meaning a formal complaint) is really a threat. We ended up cancelling the F2F cos I said I wouldn’t go and without me it can’t take place.
Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure, so my DH says I should carry on. I don’t know what to do.

Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure, so my DH says I should carry on. I don’t know what to do.

Then stop - but make sure it what you really want to do.

If the charity closes well they really should have some plan in place rather than relying one one volunteer who could always just stop or get ill -or they do have a plan but you are unware of it and that fear is being used to guilt you into continuing.

In hindsight reporting her behavior was probably best route than trying to sort it out with her before this meeting - hindsight is always 20/20 though.

I'd ignore DH - or work out why he wants you to stay when you don't want to.

You do what is best for you! If the charity closes it 100% your husband’s fault. He is nothing more than a manipulative dirty old man. You are worth more than this. He hasn’t treated you with respect, tell the OW she is welcome to your ‘sloppy seconds.’ Move on with your life with people who value and respect you.

OP, should push back hard with her husband and the charity.

Scummy husbands behaviour with this woman means I no longer wish to be involved.

Thats it. There will be gossip anyway.
Lay it firmly at your husbands door and this womans subsequent aggression towards you.

You have no shame here.
It is all there.

I suspect you are very vulnerable that you are tolerating this.

Perhaps speak to Women's aid for support.

"I now have to be interviewed to be sanctioned"

No you don't - you're a volunteer.

Either don't attend and stop volunteering for them, as you've stated you want to do.

Or go and provide all of your evidence to plead your case.

What do you want the outcome to be? Because if you really want to stop volunteering, just do it, and put it behind you.

I would struggle with the sanctioned bit here. I think I would probably just hand my notice in. You don’t have to hang around working for free with your husband and the woman he had an affair with while getting censured on how exactly you should behave appropriately around them. They need you more than you need them.

I've seen too many idiot trustees. They'd not be sanctioning me.

This!!!!! And the other comments on a similar theme.

So sorry you're going through this, @MellowTiger
I hope you'll put yourself first, because in all of this, you sound bottom of everyone's list, and I fund that sad

Quite. I've known some absolutely brilliant charity trustees, but also sadly some who were clearly bonkers.

She IS the baddie here. It’s rarely clearer.

I can’t really answer those questions because it would potentially make the charity identifiable, but there is a proper HR structure in place. I run a section of the charity.

There are over 170,000 registered charities in the U.K. (so, under the Charity Commission) and an estimated 100,000 unregistered (so, with an income of under £5K).

As we have no other information and don’t even know your location, telling us whether you’re a Trustee and whether the charity has paid staff (including a CEO) will not make it identifiable. It’ll just mean people who know about charity structure and governance are better able to offer useful advice.

OP - your DH and the OW have been unspeakably selfish. You are allowed to be selfish too.

The charity will find someone to replace you or fold. If it folds, then frankly it will be a good thing to remove any trace of the OW from yours and DHs lives. If you and your DH want your marriage to survive, you can’t really be part of something that involves her.

Walk away, insist your DH does too as a condition of you committing to the marriage surviving.

“Irreplaceable” people are often replaced, if you want to show a bit more kindness to the charity, give them a few months to find someone else.

Just to clear up the meeting issue, it a meeting I HAD to go to, the OW didn’t. I wasn’t bothered about her going until she started to act in the way she did - commenting on my work standard, querying decisions that had been made (targeting me even when they weren’t within my remit) and generally being awkward, verging on bullying and showing no respect. I was worried her attendance at the meeting was purely to verbally attack me at every opportunity. In the end, I have cancelled the whole meeting as I have no with to be face to face with her. No one, including the OW, was prepared to arrange the meeting without me.

Can you elaborate on how she was "verbally attacking" you in meetings? What sort of things was she saying?

Because you initially said she was being "awkward" in meetings, which seems a bit different.

Thank you to all those who have read my post fully and responded constructively - even those who said I ABU. I now have greater clarity on the matter and can see why this situation could have been perceived as a threat. There’s been lots of good content that will enable me to put forward that it was not intended as a threat but as an alternative resolution to following the official complaints process which would mean potentially revealing personal facts.
To those that didn’t read my full post but commented anyway, your lack of compassion is matched only by your inability to read.
My intention is to make a statement in the hope that they will reverse the decision to uphold the complaint. However, regardless of the outcome, I will be leaving the charity. My DH may take a little longer to deal with.

@MellowTiger best of luck, OP. I hope you can heal from this awful situation.

Different organisations.

Just on that clarity, which ‘she’ are you referring to? The OP or the woman who had the affair with her husband?

Nobody's behaviour is exactly covering them in glory 😂

OW done OP wrong by shagging her husband and then being snippy & critical in the aftermath.
OP shouldn't have threatened to expose the affair to stop her attending an event.
OP's DH is a prize prick.

Where did I say I would expose the affair if she didn’t withdraw from the event?

Well OK, you threatened you would expose the affair if she continued "being the way she was" while at the same time asking her not to attend. 😂

Maybe your dh is worried he’ll have no reason to see other woman if the charity is not there as an excuse!

@MellowTiger I have read your latest updates and I still maintain you did not threaten this woman, or bully her. I consider that asserting your position you issued an ultimatum for her to behave fairly and sensibly (during the course of your working meetings etc) or you would be forced to counter her behaviour with some explanatory background information forming a complaint of your own.

@MellowTiger you said you would show the charity copies of the messages showing the affair did you not?

Critical of my work - speed, amount of things being done, querying a lot of things I did, saying there always seemed to be problems with what I’d done but not being able to give examples. Generally not letting things lie when I’d said I didn’t have particular data/information on me. More than anything asking questions of me but no one else and her general attitude/tone.