Volunteering got complicated …..

[MellowTiger]

I didn’t really know how to title this post. My DH & I volunteer for the same charity. He became involved with volunteer (female) -unknown to me this has been off and on for 6 years. It’s mainly s/text and phone/video call but it’s been very explicit & talk of moving in together. I found out & when challenged he ended it.
OW then started to be awkward with me in online meetings etc (we rarely meet F2F). It got to the point where other people commented on it. We were due to meet F2F as a group so I messaged OW saying requesting she didn’t attend (I have to go she doesn’t). I also said that if she continued being the way she was I would take it further in the organisation and that she couldn’t deny the relationship because I have photos of their conversations.
She put in a complaint saying I had threatened her, which has now been upheld and I now have to be interviewed to be sanctioned.
I feel this is really unfair AIBU? This is a personal matter, I was polite and although I see there was 100 ways to word it, I don’t think saying I’ll take it further (meaning a formal complaint) is really a threat. We ended up cancelling the F2F cos I said I wouldn’t go and without me it can’t take place.
Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure, so my DH says I should carry on. I don’t know what to do.

No. I said I would take the matter further and that I had copies of conversations so she couldn’t deny the affair.
As I’ve said, there’s 100 ways to word it, and I probably did it badly, but I was trying to say I will make a formal complaint and I will say that (her) attitude is a result of the end of her relationship why my DH which I can prove.

Honestly, fuck it, sure we are all meant to be 100% professional all of the time, but she’s slept with your husband, given you a hard time at work and made a complaint about you, so I’d be done with both of them and the charity that wants to sanction you.

Also, I probably wouldn’t want to hang around here being told off by sanctimonious posters either, but that’s just me. Good luck with whatever you decide OP, things can only improve from here on.

I would have turned up to the meeting to ask her for clarification- did she have evidence of the things she was saying or was she clouded by the fact she had a affair with your husband and you found out and the affair ended making her a scorned woman.
youve done nothing wrong and she is a unhinged bully.

Sorry but you were wrong in this situation. It is not your place to tell her which meeting she can or cannot attend, and she was right to report it. With the additional threat to "report" the affair to the charity, it was massively inappropriate.

If you had an issue with the way she was behaving in meetings, you should have raised a complaint yourself (with the testimony of those who noticed her behaviour, not evidence of the affair that has nothing to do with the charity!).
Now it's the exact opposite that happened, you've given her written evidence that you're bullying her!

@MellowTiger ahah, i do agree with this poster too (despite my sanctimonious response).

I think going into this situation with the charity thinking you were in the right isn't going to help you, but I would also say fuck it and leave them all to it!

Totally disagree. What, exactly, did this woman think would happen when they got caught? It wasn’t exactly “professional” of her, was it? But now she’s whining that op isn’t being professional? She’s got front, I’ll give her that.
And yes, yes, the husband is absolutely to blame but OW is clearly no shrinking violet. She knew exactly what she was doing but now she’s being unpleasant to op (undoubtedly because she’s been dumped), op has called her out on it and ow is crying in her milkshake? Do me a favour. I have zero sympathy with her. Being a shit person does in fact have consequences.

Where is your pride and self-worth @MellowTiger ? Your husband fucked this woman for 6 years and you're still with him. He has probably found someone else right now. Why would you put up with such a twat? You do know there are decent men out there but yours' is definitiely not one.

Good point - I’ve actually got what I needed from this, some guidance and ideas for taking stuff forward. There’s clearly a high percentage of MNs that can’t read anyway 🤣

My view
Lay out all the evidence to the panel. Don't hold bits back as it may skew their opinion.
Some PPs are jumping to the conclusion you were going to complain about the relationship not her behaviour. However now you have to appeal you'll have to lay out all facts, evidence & reasoning chronologically.
Good luck

Yes, I think if I wanted my colleagues to behave impeccably towards me, I’d probably avoid sleeping with their husbands and then needling them in the workplace. I suspect if OP leaves (both the charity and partner) then the woman in question might quickly find out she’s not flavour of the month in either setting.

Leave your husband???

I think you will find that it is partially the ow fault, if she knew he was married which she clearly did, and she carried on anyway. I dont get why women never blame the OW. It takes 2 to have an affair, without the other person the affair wouldnt of happened and she could of walked away.

Why is the OW getting all the blame in this? Why does your husband get forgiveness and protection, but she has none?

I would leave him and have some compassion regarding how the other woman is feeling. You just need to accept this is the situation, if you're going to stay with a cheat of a coward, then you'll just need to accept the awkward situation from the OW. They're both as disgusting as one another, but she shouldn't be getting all of the blame here. Treat them both indifferently and just get on with what you need to do.

It's a personal matter which should not have been brought into the workplace and your conversation with her should not have taken place - It amounts to blackmail; "Behave or I'll destroy you." - It's a threat. You've let them get to you and now you're being punished for it. You should have just gone above her to speak with someone.

A 6 year affair is bad enough, but under your nose is even worse. Leaving the charity is the right decision and you will be welcomed elsewhere. How are you still with DH?

What are you reading? Cos it’s not my posts!!!

Where does it say my DH is getting forgiveness and protection? How is she getting all the blame?

To use your terms (not mine) it’s ok for her to destroy me but for me to give her the option to back off or I’ll ‘destroy’ her isn’t ok? It is a personal matter, but it wasn’t me that brought it into the workplace!

Go to the meeting show the way she has been treating you escalate it to a formal complaint against her. Don't mention the affair she can bring it up if she chooses.

The OW isn’t getting all the blame for the affair.

The OW is getting all the blame for treating OP poorly in their volunteering role.

Work on your reading comprehension, FFS.

This process has been really good for preparing my statement because as you say some MNs have put it together and come up with the conclusion I was complaining about the affair whereas I was complaining about her attitude/behaviour to me. I believe this was fueled by the affair/end of the affair. It’s definitely shown me I need to get all my details down and present them openly to try and put across what I hoped to achieve.
Naively, I think I did expect her to say actually, I won’t come to the meeting, and also I don’t think we need to get anyone from the charity involved, I’ll stop picking at you.
But I live in a world where my people don’t screw other peoples husbands. It’s not like there’s a shortage of men as far as I’m aware.

I mean, I have to say, I’ve never slept with a colleague’s husband, made her working life difficult and then expected impeccable behaviour from her. But that’s just me. It’s not really in the employee handbook.

I also think if my relationship then got difficult with her, as a result, I’d look inward to my part in it, take a step back, versus raising an actual complaint. Given it’s a volunteer position too?

I mean, imagine the OP from the other side and think what we’d all be saying to them.

‘Hi, I slept with a co-worker’s husband. She found about about it and doesn’t want to work with me. I think it’s because I’ve been going to her meetings and pointing out where she’s not great at her job, in my opinion. She got upset and said she’d report it if I didn’t leave her alone, so I’ve made an official complaint about her and now she’s being sanctioned. AIBU?’

This made me laugh.
We'd reply to the OW YADBU, go and find a single man.
Unless we cannot read properly or bizarrely have sympathy for OW or like to irritate other posters for personal kicks and then we would encourage you to crack on.

As you're volunteering, or indeed we're employed, your DH doesn't get to say what you do or don't do. I'd leave the charity and DH regardless as surely with DH & OW still there how can you be sure it won't start up again. Good luck

Hi,
this is probably just me but why does he get to stay?

you can’t really be sanctioned for “threatening her to tell” however you could for telling her not to go to a meeting she were to attend. You aren’t her boss. You should have taken it to hr and so they can deal with it. They would probably have asked her exactly that but they can.

take the right official roads and you will be fine.

But I live in a world where my people don’t screw other peoples husbands. It’s not like there’s a shortage of men as far as I’m aware.

Yet you do live in a world where your own husband screws other women. He didn't have a shortage of women he was actually married to, did he?

Why are you attacking me?
Obviously I didn’t expect my husband to be screwing other women!