Volunteering got complicated …..

[MellowTiger]

I didn’t really know how to title this post. My DH & I volunteer for the same charity. He became involved with volunteer (female) -unknown to me this has been off and on for 6 years. It’s mainly s/text and phone/video call but it’s been very explicit & talk of moving in together. I found out & when challenged he ended it.
OW then started to be awkward with me in online meetings etc (we rarely meet F2F). It got to the point where other people commented on it. We were due to meet F2F as a group so I messaged OW saying requesting she didn’t attend (I have to go she doesn’t). I also said that if she continued being the way she was I would take it further in the organisation and that she couldn’t deny the relationship because I have photos of their conversations.
She put in a complaint saying I had threatened her, which has now been upheld and I now have to be interviewed to be sanctioned.
I feel this is really unfair AIBU? This is a personal matter, I was polite and although I see there was 100 ways to word it, I don’t think saying I’ll take it further (meaning a formal complaint) is really a threat. We ended up cancelling the F2F cos I said I wouldn’t go and without me it can’t take place.
Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure, so my DH says I should carry on. I don’t know what to do.

We only have her word for that, she’s worked happily with this woman for years, but whatever has happened, it doesn’t mean she can threaten to expose private matters in a work setting! It op’s fault that she now has to explain all the sordid details, she was the one that put it into the arena.

If you disbelieve the OP’s narrative then why post?

She worked with the woman for years until the woman had an affair with her DH at the end of which DH chose OP. So OW is understandably put out and having a go at OP off the back of it.

I don’t get the impression that OP intended to threaten her she was just warning her that she would be forced to take it further if it didn’t stop. I’d think it’s likely others new so it’s probably not news to anyone.

We only ever have the OP word - or stuff posters make up and then insist must be true.

The OP just found out this women slept with her DH for 6 year - that alone is going to make having a professional relationship harder.

This whole thread been about on top of the affair the OW behavior since being dumped towards OP in a professional setting- which in this case is volunteering rather than work.

The OP hasn't handled things particularly well - which she says she now sees. She may well have been better to formally complain about OW behavior first rather than try and warn her off attending meeting OW didn't need to be at. She probably blindsided by finding out about affair and wanting to keep situation private rather than public gossip - all understandable.

She doesn't have to explain the sorid details - the sorid actions of her DH and OW mainly - she can just leave the volteering role as she owns no-one anything here and frankly may need her emotional enegy and time to deal with her wider situation.

new

knew

Please leave your volunteer role. You don't get paid for this level of stress. I'm surprised you didn't leave as soon as you discovered the affair.
You deserve better OP.
Maybe take some time to think about whether you really want to be in your marriage. Living with an unfaithful partner is soul destroying.
I feel for you.

The only innocent party in the affair was OP yet she is going to have to go to panel to explain her private life.

Only if she wants to continue volunteering for them I would have thought.

Seems so much drama when she could just walk away.

Which part of “she didn’t mean to threaten her” don’t you understand? She didn’t keep it professional and say she would take it further, she THREATENED to expose the affair. That is not ok in a workplace.
youd have thought that the OW would have been behaving like this for a lot longer than stated, given the affair had gone on so long and dh had not left his wife. I’m sorry for op but something does not ring right after her further posts.

And what part of - I don’t agree with your interpretation do you not understand?

I think she was just warning her:

As I’ve said, there’s 100 ways to word it, and I probably did it badly, but I was trying to say I will make a formal complaint and I will say that (her) attitude is a result of the end of her relationship why my DH which I can prove.

Ok well we’ll have to agree to disagree! Bye

… ignoring all posts trying to derail this …
Good luck in your meeting OP
I’m sure a lot of us have not worded things optimally when feeling strong emotions. I’m sure I have. The best we can do is learn from situations, as you clearly have.
It’s such a shame that due to a man and a woman’s poor behaviour that people will lose out on your 3rd sector organisations support. However your decision is understandable. Good luck x

See, I think it’s possible for her to be unimpressed by both of them, in separate ways.

Oh absolutely but at the end of the day the ow really is nothing to do with her and rightly or wrongly has no allegiance to her, where on the other hand, he has been married to her for years and is supposed to love her. He clearly wanted to stay with her once the affair was found out, so in my opinion, most of the blame lies with him. A quick fling or one night stand is one thing but 6 years!!!

”rightly or wrongly”? You have to actually know someone to decide not to do something really awful that you know will devastate them? You can operate in a moral void because you don’t know them?
Do we all still act like children whining “what heeeeee did was worse”, as if that negates any of our own responsibility? Is that really the level of emotional intelligence so many people operate at? It’s bloody tragic.

Hi OP, how did the meeting go? I really hope you got the outcome you wanted x