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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Volunteering got complicated …..

414 replies

MellowTiger · 22/02/2025 00:00

I didn’t really know how to title this post. My DH & I volunteer for the same charity. He became involved with volunteer (female) -unknown to me this has been off and on for 6 years. It’s mainly s/text and phone/video call but it’s been very explicit & talk of moving in together. I found out & when challenged he ended it.
OW then started to be awkward with me in online meetings etc (we rarely meet F2F). It got to the point where other people commented on it. We were due to meet F2F as a group so I messaged OW saying requesting she didn’t attend (I have to go she doesn’t). I also said that if she continued being the way she was I would take it further in the organisation and that she couldn’t deny the relationship because I have photos of their conversations.
She put in a complaint saying I had threatened her, which has now been upheld and I now have to be interviewed to be sanctioned.
I feel this is really unfair AIBU? This is a personal matter, I was polite and although I see there was 100 ways to word it, I don’t think saying I’ll take it further (meaning a formal complaint) is really a threat. We ended up cancelling the F2F cos I said I wouldn’t go and without me it can’t take place.
Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure, so my DH says I should carry on. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Namechanged4obviousreasons · 22/02/2025 01:26

Does your DH want to ensure you don’t give up the volunteering as he wouldn’t get to see the OW without the charity? I wouldn’t be listening to a word he says.

LoztWorld · 22/02/2025 01:27

Err you have to be interviewed to be sanctioned???? No you don’t. You don’t work for them. You don’t owe them anything - quite the opposite after your years of free labour.

Just block the numbers and emails of all the charity people and fuck the whole lot of them off.

I include your husband in this btw, although it’s clear that for whatever reason you’ve decided to stay.

InWalksBarberalla · 22/02/2025 01:28

Why would you stay with a man that cheated for 6 years and on top of that expects you to stay in contact via the charity with his affair partner? Leave him, leave the charity, find a different one and move on.

Original poster
MellowTiger · 22/02/2025 01:31

SerenStarEtoile · 22/02/2025 00:44

Hi OP

I am a little concerned about how the charity have conducted themselves and wonder if you have looked at their Disciplinary Policy - which they are required to have. Who adjudicated? If it was a panel. were they properly constituted? All sorts of questions.

I imagine a standard policy is available via the Charity Commission so perhaps look there first.

By her previous actions (where people were noticing how off she was) , I think that it could be a case of her bullying/harassing you.

Are you able to Appeal this decision? Or make a Grievance against her? I’d certainly give it a go, and then hopefully the bitch will get her just desserts.

It’s difficult because I’m a volunteer, not an employee. The investigation was conducted by one person, but now they have upheld the complaint it goes to a panel to decide if I need to be sanctioned. The panel is 3 people and I can put forward my case.
tbh I’m kicking myself for not complaining about her behaviour instead of trying to mediate by contacting her. I wanted to avoid discussions about my private life but now I seem to have to explain the situation to every Tom,Dick& Harry!

OP posts:
LoztWorld · 22/02/2025 01:33

I wouldn’t get involved in a counter-report against the OW. Honestly, life is too short and you just need to extricate yourself from this situation immediately.

If it makes you feel better to send a single email with all your evidence against her attached, then do that and block the lot of them. But I wouldn’t be hanging around waiting for the outcome of some extended grievance process when you’re not even getting paid for any of this stress.

endofthelinefinally · 22/02/2025 01:33

I would just message everyone that as my dh is having an affair with one of the volunteers I would be stepping down.
I have volunteered for various organisations all my life. What I have learned is that they won't care if you leave. Much like work places and employers.

SerenStarEtoile · 22/02/2025 01:37

I understand about not being an employee, but I would look at their policy, the recommended policy put out by the Charity Commission and also see if you can still get a grievance in. If necessary, I might take legal advice from a specialist, because your contact doesn’t sound threatening - it sounds like advice.

LoztWorld · 22/02/2025 01:38

MellowTiger · 22/02/2025 01:31

It’s difficult because I’m a volunteer, not an employee. The investigation was conducted by one person, but now they have upheld the complaint it goes to a panel to decide if I need to be sanctioned. The panel is 3 people and I can put forward my case.
tbh I’m kicking myself for not complaining about her behaviour instead of trying to mediate by contacting her. I wanted to avoid discussions about my private life but now I seem to have to explain the situation to every Tom,Dick& Harry!

Show quote history

Can you explain why you are even considering attending this panel? What am I missing? What will actually happen if you just don’t participate?

As for you having to explain your personal life to every Tom Dick and Harry - you really don’t! You can just opt out of all of this.

Hwi · 22/02/2025 01:39

Dump the prick, dump this charity.

Numberfish · 22/02/2025 01:40

Sugepaper · 22/02/2025 00:13

Well yes, you can’t bully the OW into not attending something with the threat of evidence of an affair. It’s your husband’s fault. Not hers.

What is wrong with you

Give your head a wobble. OP has been brutally treated by this lowlife, who then has the cheek to go running to authority with lies when OP reasonably asks her to stop being difficult or she’ll have to explain why it’s an issue. Are you a used mistress too?

Devianinc · 22/02/2025 01:41

Enough4me · 22/02/2025 01:17

Report her, quit the charity and LTB.
Take your enthusiasm, hard work, loyalty etc. and use it for people who respect and care about you.

Yup

JandamiHash · 22/02/2025 01:44

Does your “D” H not feel the smallest bit bad he’s put you in this situation with his prolonged selfishness? Has he not offered to have a word with her given he caused this shit storm surely he should be the one to go to the ends of the earth to rectify it?

InWalksBarberalla · 22/02/2025 01:44

LoztWorld · 22/02/2025 01:38

Can you explain why you are even considering attending this panel? What am I missing? What will actually happen if you just don’t participate?

As for you having to explain your personal life to every Tom Dick and Harry - you really don’t! You can just opt out of all of this.

Show quote history

Exactly this! Tell the lot of them to fuck right off.

Devianinc · 22/02/2025 01:44

You need to move on and get out of this shit hole place your in. I’m sure your disgusting husband will be crying to have you back. Ugh

user1492757084 · 22/02/2025 01:45

Your husband is either with you or against.
You attend the interview, be precise and explain, with phone messages etc, what has happened in terms of relationship between you and OW since DH ended affair.

State it all for proper review and also add that you and your husband will happily move on to another charity, if this can not be resolved.

If OW insists respectful communication can not be repaired, both you and husband find another charity.This assumes that husband is with you, not against.

He is the major cause of your problem.

JandamiHash · 22/02/2025 01:46

Leave your husband and volunteer somewhere else.

People who have affairs never think about the wider ramifications, too interested in getting his dick wet to think that his wife’s beloved volunteering might be affected?

RickiRaccoon · 22/02/2025 01:46

Uncomplicate the situation. Don't do the interview. Let the charity know about the affair and her being rude to you after it ended. Leave the charity and, if it closes, so be it. It shouldn't be so dependent on one person. Your DH has made a mess of everything.

HoppityBun · 22/02/2025 01:48

RickiRaccoon · 22/02/2025 01:46

Uncomplicate the situation. Don't do the interview. Let the charity know about the affair and her being rude to you after it ended. Leave the charity and, if it closes, so be it. It shouldn't be so dependent on one person. Your DH has made a mess of everything.

Absolutely this

NiftyKoala · 22/02/2025 01:48

You had me until your husband said you should carry on. Who cares what the cheater either of them thinks? You deserve a better life. I know right now if feels like you "won". Real winning is leaving and getting the life you deserve. Wishing you the best in the future because this is not it.

Original poster
MellowTiger · 22/02/2025 01:50

Never2many · 22/02/2025 00:30

People are so focussed on what your husband has done that they aren’t focussing on what you have done, which is essentially what you’re writing about.

However anger led your motivation was, you absolutely were in the wrong for sending her threats. Because that’s what you’ve done.

Whatever they have done, and nobody is condoning that, you lost the high ground when you sent her threats to intimidate her to not attend the meeting.

The organisation don’t need to be involved in your marriage issues. Those are between you and your DH, and your wanting to quit volunteering is your decision.

I don’t understand how I’ve threatened her?

It was my intention to try to resolve the situation, but stating that I was prepared to take it further officially if needed. Is this a threat? Should I just have gone down the official route straight away and not given her a chance to stop?

I want someone to explain what I did wrong here.

OP posts:
TheOriginalEmu · 22/02/2025 01:50

I’d find a new charity and a new husband.

MustardGlass · 22/02/2025 01:51

RickiRaccoon · 22/02/2025 01:46

Uncomplicate the situation. Don't do the interview. Let the charity know about the affair and her being rude to you after it ended. Leave the charity and, if it closes, so be it. It shouldn't be so dependent on one person. Your DH has made a mess of everything.

This but beware that if you leave your cheater husband will be still be seeing the whorebag at the charity. Honestly your husband sounds like an asshole. I would quit the charity and tell everyone about the affair and the behaviour afterwards. Just once as an explanation. If the charity folds that’s asshole and whorebags fault not yours.

TheOriginalEmu · 22/02/2025 01:52

Sugepaper · 22/02/2025 00:13

Well yes, you can’t bully the OW into not attending something with the threat of evidence of an affair. It’s your husband’s fault. Not hers.

What is wrong with you

That’s not what she said, she said she asked her not to attend AND (as a separate issue) to stop being off with her or she would take it further.

Alalalala · 22/02/2025 01:59

You haven’t threatened her. She deserves some reprisal anyway.

Why are you staying with your dick husband? Or listening to him if he’s pressurising you not to leave?

Leave them in the lurch. The charity and the vile H.

Devianinc · 22/02/2025 01:59

MustardGlass · 22/02/2025 01:51

This but beware that if you leave your cheater husband will be still be seeing the whorebag at the charity. Honestly your husband sounds like an asshole. I would quit the charity and tell everyone about the affair and the behaviour afterwards. Just once as an explanation. If the charity folds that’s asshole and whorebags fault not yours.

Show quote history

You think just like I do.