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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been this honest with my husband?

265 replies

Wallflowersunite · 21/02/2025 21:31

Long story short but without drip feeding. My husband has two children with his ex girlfriend. They’ve been split for 6 years, we’ve been together 5, married 2, have a baby and another on the way. After many many court battles (instigated by my husband) to get contact sorted (after his ex repeatedly stopped contact, and which I was witness to rather than just told), his ex made a malicious report to child welfare (which has since been sorted and dismissed by all legal authorities). During the investigation I had to supervise contact between my husband and son which was a real logistical nightmare but we got through it and he’s been acquitted.

The wheels are back in motion for him to reestablish contact with his children and whilst I totally support this, I am scared but that’s another conversation. He asked me tonight if I missed them (haven’t seen them in a few months) and I was brutally honest and said no but I totally understand it must be heart wrenching for him. He got a bit defensive and asked why I didn’t miss them. I again was honest and said I have a baby who is very clingy, I’m heavily pregnant, I’m still working full time and I’m trying to secure a promotion before I go off on mat leave. I apologised and said I probably should think about them more but at the minute I’m just living hour to hour because our lives are very full on.

he’s grand but he seems a bit upset my response. Aibu?

OP posts:
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 21/02/2025 21:37

I think you’ve been a bit insensitive to be honest. Understandable given everything that’s been going on, but you could have handled it better. I don’t think this was a moment for brutal honesty. He’s likely to remember you said that for a long time and it will bother him.

TooBusyGazingAtStarss · 21/02/2025 21:37

i don’t think you’re unreasonable for not missing them, you’ve got a lot going on yourself.
But I also understand why he would be upset that you don’t miss them, because he misses them so much.

EmmasDilemmas · 21/02/2025 21:41

If a family member said they didn’t miss your son after a few months without seeing him have previously seen him a lot would you be upset? Would you want that person to play a huge role
in your child’s life in the future? I think you have been really unreasonable yes and I’d be really sad and disappointed if I was your husband. Of course they aren’t your children and you won’t love them in the same way as your son but you are an important adult in their lives - and in his - and he would probably like to see you show a bit of affection and interest in them.

YouDeserveBetterSoAskForIt · 21/02/2025 21:43

YANBU. They aren't your children.
They are around you and you have to care for them as a result of loving their father.

Personally I would have lied, as he is a parent and understandably sensitive... But you weren't actually unreasonable for not missing them.

KnittyNell · 21/02/2025 21:43

Surely you knew your husband wanted to say that of course you missed them, would it really have hurt to say it to please him?

Justbrowsing2024 · 21/02/2025 21:46

Brutal! Couldn't you have just said you missed them? Lying wouldn't have hurt you but the honesty will always be with him now. I'd be gutted if I were him.
That being said you can't help the way you feel. I guess you don't have much of a relationship with his children?

Diarygirlqueen · 21/02/2025 21:51

If my husband said that about my children, I would seriously be reconsidering my marriage.

Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 21/02/2025 21:52

Just a few points as my mumsnet is going really slow tonight for some reason.

we have a total honesty policy. We’ve both been in really toxic relationships before and we know it’s better just to be honest, it might seem harsh or weird but it’s how we operate

if someone said they didn’t miss my son, to be brutally honest it wouldn’t bother me, he’s my son at the end of the day, people have their own lives and worries and stresses which is normal in my opinion. I’m maybe a bit black and white on that.

OP posts:
DeffoNeedANameChange · 21/02/2025 21:59

I think it's fair enough to voice concerns about how the dynamic in the family might change moving forwards, or to say that you've enjoyed having more time with your husband, but I think it's very hurtful to say point blank that you haven't missed them.

InSpainTheRain · 21/02/2025 22:01

I am with you, but I wouldn't of said that. It's insensitive.

Justbrowsing2024 · 21/02/2025 22:02

On that basis OP you needn't have posted if you think you were reasonable. The honesty isn't an issue, honesty is the best policy after all. But the fact you didn't actually miss his children may be an issue in itself?
Either way if you are fine with what you said that's fair enough. Just seems harsh

VintageFollie · 21/02/2025 22:04

Diarygirlqueen · 21/02/2025 21:51

If my husband said that about my children, I would seriously be reconsidering my marriage.

If your husband isn't the father of your children, believe me, he doesn't miss them when they're not there.

catscalledbeanz · 21/02/2025 22:20

Your "brutal honesty" clause means yanbu. But it's an agreement which I would find unpalatable tbh. Imo white lies are fine. "Is Santa real?" - of course. "Do I look fat in this outfit?" - NO!. "Am I the best you ever had?" YES!. All of the answers are potential lies. But the truth is an unnecessary hurt and in asking the question no one wanted the truth. They were asking for reassurance or a sense of being valued and appreciated. "Do you miss the sc?" Is imo dh saying "- this was all worth it right? the struggle? The weight and pressure? It was worth it and we got through it and you are happy too? And I want to know you are with me and understand me and we were a team through it. " He wanted to hear that , What he cares about, you care about. There is no negative in your saying "of course I have missed them! They should have been here the whole time!" Whereas, there is a negative and unnecessary hurt in what you said. But with a brutal honesty policy I suppose that you didn't need to lie.

Endofyear · 21/02/2025 23:42

Total honesty isn't always the best policy! There's a reason people use 'white lies' and it's to not hurt the other person's feelings. Your husband is hurt that you don't miss his children (I imagine he misses them desperately) and is unlikely to forget your brutally honest answer for a long time. I think total honesty in a relationship is foolish if you're going to hurt the other person and possibly drive them away.

PeloMom · 22/02/2025 06:11

I get why he’s hurt but also I totally get where you’re coming from. I also wouldn’t feel comfortable lying and saying something just because that’s what he wants to hear.

Summerhillsquare · 22/02/2025 06:57

His poor feelz haven't stopped him knocking you up twice then? So upset about his kids he can't see he thought he'd have some more?

hattie43 · 22/02/2025 07:01

Why would you miss someone else's children when you don't have a relationship with them .

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 22/02/2025 07:09

Total honesty is total bullshit on the basis that neither of you will adhere to it.

MissTrip82 · 22/02/2025 07:10

VintageFollie · 21/02/2025 22:04

If your husband isn't the father of your children, believe me, he doesn't miss them when they're not there.

Show quote history

I’m a step-parent.

I miss them.

I love them now and I liked them before I loved them.

I appreciate that’s now how it is for everyone, but it is true for some of us.

RawBloomers · 22/02/2025 07:15

You may have been a bit insensitive but ultimately I don't think you've been unreasonable. It's really important that parents who go into another relationship realise that their new partners do not, in most cases, have anything like the attachment to their children that they have. They need to be realistic and not pretend that there is more of a loyalty there than there is.

Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 07:54

@Summerhillsquare Hahaha there’s always one. Ever heard of parental alienation? Or did you conveniently skip over the part where I said he’s taken his ex to court to get the children? She stopped the contact whenever we got married, again when I got pregnant etc etc but don’t let the truth get in the way of your narrative

OP posts:
Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 08:11

MissTrip82 · 22/02/2025 07:10

I’m a step-parent.

I miss them.

I love them now and I liked them before I loved them.

I appreciate that’s now how it is for everyone, but it is true for some of us.

Show quote history

That’s lovely to read ❤️

OP posts:
yourmaw · 22/02/2025 08:20

He asked -you responded.
I dont think cold or harsh defintely not indifferent . Given unsettled\sporadic contact you havent had a "usual"removed or stopped its a hollow question.Are you look forward to seeing/having roundwould be better suited?
You simply can not miss what youve never had.When you then
add personal details where your at\whats happening..altho not uniform,as such it is all progressive/developing/lead toward....further imminent changes.
i understand your concerns re potential repeat trouble/high conflict...particulrly reunification with name cleared dad...a wee one the two arent familiar with as yet and new baby soon. Once hes smarted over his own (reactive) feelings hopefully he'll realise this is a huge "family"adjustment upcoming...you both need to get to talking of look forward to getting lots time/more contact.speak about any concerns "blending" may come with and how to nurture the two older kids so they feel valued as part f family but special as well. i think.

biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 08:30

I think "total honesty" is a pretty toxic way of managing a relationship.

Are neither of you allowed private thoughts and feelings about anything?

cinnamonbunfight · 22/02/2025 08:35

It sounds like you’ve both been through a lot here. I don’t think total honesty is a good policy - I do think you need to talk to each other properly about everything that’s happened.