Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been this honest with my husband?

265 replies

Wallflowersunite · 21/02/2025 21:31

Long story short but without drip feeding. My husband has two children with his ex girlfriend. They’ve been split for 6 years, we’ve been together 5, married 2, have a baby and another on the way. After many many court battles (instigated by my husband) to get contact sorted (after his ex repeatedly stopped contact, and which I was witness to rather than just told), his ex made a malicious report to child welfare (which has since been sorted and dismissed by all legal authorities). During the investigation I had to supervise contact between my husband and son which was a real logistical nightmare but we got through it and he’s been acquitted.

The wheels are back in motion for him to reestablish contact with his children and whilst I totally support this, I am scared but that’s another conversation. He asked me tonight if I missed them (haven’t seen them in a few months) and I was brutally honest and said no but I totally understand it must be heart wrenching for him. He got a bit defensive and asked why I didn’t miss them. I again was honest and said I have a baby who is very clingy, I’m heavily pregnant, I’m still working full time and I’m trying to secure a promotion before I go off on mat leave. I apologised and said I probably should think about them more but at the minute I’m just living hour to hour because our lives are very full on.

he’s grand but he seems a bit upset my response. Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 16:04

ReadingRubbish · 22/02/2025 16:01

Were you aware your comment would upset him?

I think it's good to be honest if it achieves something but I can't see what you achieved other than upsetting him. It I seems like you wanted to upset him to make a point about how tired you were. That seems unkind and unnecessary.

its not about upsetting him or not though, I knew he wouldn’t like my answer and he probably knew too tbh. It’s like when I get too thin (I have an eating disorder) he’ll tell me I’m starting to look gaunt again. Do I like hearing it? No. But would I rather know how he feels? 100%.

i maybe could’ve been more diplomatic but he can read me like a book he would’ve known if I was bending it

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 22/02/2025 16:10

YANBU , you have a lot going on in your own life and they are not your children . It’s a great shame that their mother is so obstructive as that probably colours your view a bit as well . Provided that you are nice to them when you see them I think it’s fine .

Millymoonshine · 22/02/2025 16:12

Summerhillsquare · 22/02/2025 06:57

His poor feelz haven't stopped him knocking you up twice then? So upset about his kids he can't see he thought he'd have some more?

Bitter much.

Chonk · 22/02/2025 16:16

Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 10:12

I know it doesn’t work for everyone and that’s fine but it works for us. Wouldn’t it be boring if we were all the same.

Show quote history

If you're so sure it works for you, why are you on here asking for opinions?

StormingNorman · 22/02/2025 16:27

biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 15:51

There are ways to be "brutally honest" that are also diplomatic and sensitive towards the other party's feelings.

Show quote history

People who are brutally honest tend to like the brutality more than the honesty. As you say, there are ways of saying things.

ReadingRubbish · 22/02/2025 17:11

its not about upsetting him or not though, I knew he wouldn’t like my answer and he probably knew too tbh. It’s like when I get too thin (I have an eating disorder) he’ll tell me I’m starting to look gaunt again. Do I like hearing it? No. But would I rather know how he feels? 100%

This is what I'm getting at though. He tells you you are looking good for a reason. He isn't doing it to hurt your feelings. He's telling you in the hope it will encourage you eat. He isn't doing it to be unkind. You telling him you aren't missing his kids was with the knowledge it would upset him and with no other purpose. You wanted to upset him.

JHound · 22/02/2025 17:12

He asked you if you missed his children?

I think that’s a really weird question to be honest.

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 17:16

Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 09:05

I find in the long term honesty always is the best policy. I came from a very very abusive relationship so I can’t tolerate lies, but maybe I’m a little skewed on that based on my personal experiences. Were both adults, we should be capable of hearing the truth.

It would seem your husband many not 100% agree with this complete and total honesty in every single scenario (and I agree with him but that isn’t the point)

No one thinks you’re being more reasonable OP, than you

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 17:17

JHound · 22/02/2025 17:12

He asked you if you missed his children?

I think that’s a really weird question to be honest.

Indeed
and actually indicates might be much deeper issues at play

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 17:17

“I just tell it like it is”

aka i don’t care about hurting people’s feelings and if feelings are hurt…. Not my problem

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 17:19

Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 09:59

Then don’t. It’s that simple.

Show quote history

But you’re married to someone who clearly seems more in agreement with @biscuitsandbooks

StormingNorman · 22/02/2025 17:21

ReadingRubbish · 22/02/2025 17:11

its not about upsetting him or not though, I knew he wouldn’t like my answer and he probably knew too tbh. It’s like when I get too thin (I have an eating disorder) he’ll tell me I’m starting to look gaunt again. Do I like hearing it? No. But would I rather know how he feels? 100%

This is what I'm getting at though. He tells you you are looking good for a reason. He isn't doing it to hurt your feelings. He's telling you in the hope it will encourage you eat. He isn't doing it to be unkind. You telling him you aren't missing his kids was with the knowledge it would upset him and with no other purpose. You wanted to upset him.

A fair few stepmums also feel at liberty to drop the act when they get pregnant too. Not saying that’s the case here but it’s not uncommon that their true feelings toward their Dp’s beloved children start to show.

TY78910 · 22/02/2025 17:26

I think there's a difference between missing them and wanting them around more.

From what you wrote you explained to your DH, you don't want them around because of your current situation. That doesn't mean that you can't miss them. Unless you genuinely don't.

If I was you I would go back to DH and say that you're sorry it came across that way, you were overwhelmed and misworded things. You miss them but with life as it is you wouldn't want to add them in to your mix currently.

Unless of course, you don't mean that. Then just be honest.

biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 17:29

JHound · 22/02/2025 17:12

He asked you if you missed his children?

I think that’s a really weird question to be honest.

It's a bit unusual but it sounds to me like he wanted a bit of understanding from OP, or maybe some empathy about how difficult things are for him without his children.

Fargo79 · 22/02/2025 17:30

It's understandable that he was upset to hear you hadn't missed your stepchildren after several months without them. But that's what happens when you marry and have more children with someone who doesn't have a close bond with your existing kids. He's made choices that have led him (and his children) here so he hasn't really got grounds to be annoyed with anyone but himself.

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 17:36

biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 17:29

It's a bit unusual but it sounds to me like he wanted a bit of understanding from OP, or maybe some empathy about how difficult things are for him without his children.

Show quote history

Exactly

RabbitProofCarrots · 22/02/2025 17:37

TY78910 · 22/02/2025 17:26

I think there's a difference between missing them and wanting them around more.

From what you wrote you explained to your DH, you don't want them around because of your current situation. That doesn't mean that you can't miss them. Unless you genuinely don't.

If I was you I would go back to DH and say that you're sorry it came across that way, you were overwhelmed and misworded things. You miss them but with life as it is you wouldn't want to add them in to your mix currently.

Unless of course, you don't mean that. Then just be honest.

Pretty sure OP feels the exact opposite? So she didn’t miss them particularly because she’s currently overwhelmed and perhaps doesn’t have such a strong bond with them is contact has been very sporadic for a long time. But she may well be happy that they will soon be around more and her husband will feel like his family is back together and her kids will have a chance to establish a relationship with their siblings and she’ll have a chance to rebuild a connection with them too. Or some things may be true but not others.

JHound · 22/02/2025 17:42

biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 17:29

It's a bit unusual but it sounds to me like he wanted a bit of understanding from OP, or maybe some empathy about how difficult things are for him without his children.

Show quote history

Does she need to personally miss his children to show empathy for his situation though?

It’s one of those questions where there is only one “appropriate” answer. In which case I never get why it would be asked.

Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 17:53

JHound · 22/02/2025 17:42

Does she need to personally miss his children to show empathy for his situation though?

It’s one of those questions where there is only one “appropriate” answer. In which case I never get why it would be asked.

Show quote history

Ah my heart breaks for him and I have total empathy and probably sympathy to a degree too for him but, like most women, I’m the one with the majority of the household mental load, I’ve the bigger job and I’m pregnant and exhausted which to be fair he does understand.

I also don’t think that it’s stepmum’s true feelings come out when they have their own babies I think it’s more that (and I can only speak for myself here I’m sure other stepmums feel differently) but that you feel this overwhelming love that you didn’t know existed for your own child and in your head and heart (and biologically of course) there are differences

OP posts:
Othermentions · 22/02/2025 18:00

I’m the one with the majority of the household mental load, I’ve the bigger job and I’m pregnant and exhausted

Sounds like this is what your thread should be about

biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 18:00

JHound · 22/02/2025 17:42

Does she need to personally miss his children to show empathy for his situation though?

It’s one of those questions where there is only one “appropriate” answer. In which case I never get why it would be asked.

Show quote history

Well, no, but there are ways to answer a question that are honest but not hurtful.

Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 18:25

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 18:00

I’m the one with the majority of the household mental load, I’ve the bigger job and I’m pregnant and exhausted

Sounds like this is what your thread should be about

It’s not a problem it’s just fact

OP posts:
JandamiHash · 22/02/2025 18:29

The push for people to lie on MN baffles me. There’s no nice way to say “no” and OP is telling the truth. It’s really not good to lie in a marriage

Productiveone · 22/02/2025 19:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 22/02/2025 19:13

I think you’re worried that once contact had been established, he won’t step up and try to get you to do lots when you’re already the busy one in the household. Is that right?