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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been this honest with my husband?

265 replies

Wallflowersunite · 21/02/2025 21:31

Long story short but without drip feeding. My husband has two children with his ex girlfriend. They’ve been split for 6 years, we’ve been together 5, married 2, have a baby and another on the way. After many many court battles (instigated by my husband) to get contact sorted (after his ex repeatedly stopped contact, and which I was witness to rather than just told), his ex made a malicious report to child welfare (which has since been sorted and dismissed by all legal authorities). During the investigation I had to supervise contact between my husband and son which was a real logistical nightmare but we got through it and he’s been acquitted.

The wheels are back in motion for him to reestablish contact with his children and whilst I totally support this, I am scared but that’s another conversation. He asked me tonight if I missed them (haven’t seen them in a few months) and I was brutally honest and said no but I totally understand it must be heart wrenching for him. He got a bit defensive and asked why I didn’t miss them. I again was honest and said I have a baby who is very clingy, I’m heavily pregnant, I’m still working full time and I’m trying to secure a promotion before I go off on mat leave. I apologised and said I probably should think about them more but at the minute I’m just living hour to hour because our lives are very full on.

he’s grand but he seems a bit upset my response. Aibu?

OP posts:
YouDeserveBetterSoAskForIt · 22/02/2025 10:02

Notsosure1 · 22/02/2025 09:28

Not a lot of men would miss their partners children as much as the mothers. They just wouldn’t. A vast number wouldn’t even miss their own. A lot don’t seem to have the ability to see things from other ppls perspective like women can. Most women understand their partner won’t feel the same about their children as they do, but for some reason these men expect women to feel exactly the same - it’s a lack of empathy and a degree of entitlement. They love and think they’re great so you must too. Different story entirely if roles were reversed

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Yes I agree with this completely.

And so women have to placate their emotions surrounding this in order to avoid a huge fallout.

MissJoGrant · 22/02/2025 10:06

VintageFollie · 21/02/2025 22:04

If your husband isn't the father of your children, believe me, he doesn't miss them when they're not there.

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That's a really daft thing to say.

Lampzade · 22/02/2025 10:10

I am sure if people were ‘totally honest’ with their partners the divorce rate would increase

Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 10:12

Lampzade · 22/02/2025 10:10

I am sure if people were ‘totally honest’ with their partners the divorce rate would increase

I know it doesn’t work for everyone and that’s fine but it works for us. Wouldn’t it be boring if we were all the same.

OP posts:
C152 · 22/02/2025 10:31

Since you have a relationship where you're both totally honest with one another then, no, you weren't unreasonable to answer his question honestly. It's understandable why he'd be upset though. How do you both manage difficult honest feedback? Does he just need some space, or do you have another conversation?

JingsMahBucket · 22/02/2025 10:51

biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 09:40

@Wallflowersunite but if you expect brutal honest to every question asked, then surely by default there's no right to private thoughts in your marriage?

Yes, okay, if you're not asked then you don't have to say, but the way things are now, if he asks you something, you can't miss things out or be tactful, you have to say the truth?

That's not really how I'd want to conduct any of my relationships. It's brutal.

I think this and other similar posts are starting to derail @Wallflowersunite thread.

whatonearthisgoingonnow · 22/02/2025 11:12

Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 10:12

I know it doesn’t work for everyone and that’s fine but it works for us. Wouldn’t it be boring if we were all the same.

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I think you're confusing boring with peaceful.

Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 11:16

C152 · 22/02/2025 10:31

Since you have a relationship where you're both totally honest with one another then, no, you weren't unreasonable to answer his question honestly. It's understandable why he'd be upset though. How do you both manage difficult honest feedback? Does he just need some space, or do you have another conversation?

we talk it out. I asked him earlier if I annoyed him by saying I didn’t have time to miss the kids and he said initially yeah and he wishes I did but appreciates things are a bit mad at the minute and they aren’t at the same level of priority for me as they are for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 11:17

Yeah it’s turned into a ‘honesty is toxic’ post. Although I’m glad it hasn’t got the usual way step parent type threads go

OP posts:
MWNA · 22/02/2025 11:37

It's a perfectly reasonable answer and entirely understandable. He shouldn't have asked if he already had in mind what he wanted you to say!
I wouldn't miss someone else's children.

MWNA · 22/02/2025 11:38

"If someone was 100% honest all the time I'd suspect they were ND ."

Ah. Yes. I am. Which probably explains my previous post.

strawberrysea · 22/02/2025 11:45

He asked a question and wanted an honest answer and you gave it. YANBU.

BarneyRonson · 22/02/2025 11:45

I don’t think you were unreasonable at all. It’s a wake up call to him that you have a pregnant body and mind and a job and a child, and that’s already more than enough, thanks.

LostMyLanyard · 22/02/2025 12:04

Summerhillsquare · 22/02/2025 06:57

His poor feelz haven't stopped him knocking you up twice then? So upset about his kids he can't see he thought he'd have some more?

Jesus fucking Christ! 😱

biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 13:31

Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 09:59

Then don’t. It’s that simple.

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I don’t 👍

I just can’t see that brutal honesty is always a good thing. I don’t want to hurt or upset my DH unnecessarily - just as I wouldn’t want him to say something upsetting to me where he didn’t need to.

Sometimes loving someone means protecting their feelings and not just spilling out what you feel no matter what.

coralsky · 22/02/2025 13:40

I think YANBU to think it but YABU to say it out loud. It's one of those situations where you need to be diplomatic as it would be very hurtful for him.

Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 15:08

biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 13:31

I don’t 👍

I just can’t see that brutal honesty is always a good thing. I don’t want to hurt or upset my DH unnecessarily - just as I wouldn’t want him to say something upsetting to me where he didn’t need to.

Sometimes loving someone means protecting their feelings and not just spilling out what you feel no matter what.

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And I don’t see how anything less than brutal honesty is a good thing but we’ll agree to disagree

OP posts:
C152 · 22/02/2025 15:19

Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 11:16

we talk it out. I asked him earlier if I annoyed him by saying I didn’t have time to miss the kids and he said initially yeah and he wishes I did but appreciates things are a bit mad at the minute and they aren’t at the same level of priority for me as they are for him.

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This sounds like a healthy way to have a relationship. You will know his personality and the best way to take it from here, but I would let it drop for now, unless he raises it himself.

StormingNorman · 22/02/2025 15:20

You told him you don’t care about his kids and wonder why he’s off with you 😂😂😂

He loves his kids as much as you love your child. How would you feel if someone in your child’s family told you they didn’t like them?

Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 15:22

StormingNorman · 22/02/2025 15:20

You told him you don’t care about his kids and wonder why he’s off with you 😂😂😂

He loves his kids as much as you love your child. How would you feel if someone in your child’s family told you they didn’t like them?

Wow that’s some spin I’ll give you that. He’s not off with me we actually just went out for some lunch. I asked him was he annoyed and he said initially yeah but he understands.

OP posts:
Aimtodobetter · 22/02/2025 15:23

I don’t think he really expects you to have the same relationship he does with them but probably was asking you to mirror his one emotions ie he wanted to share he was missing them. Brutal honesty wasn’t necessarily responding to the spirit of the question ie are you glad I am getting contact with me kids again (as opposed to the literal meaning of it).

StormingNorman · 22/02/2025 15:44

Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 15:22

Wow that’s some spin I’ll give you that. He’s not off with me we actually just went out for some lunch. I asked him was he annoyed and he said initially yeah but he understands.

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You felt the need to apologise and said he was upset and you needed to start a thread about it. Glad you’re grand now. Hope you enjoyed lunch.

Cherrysoup · 22/02/2025 15:49

He can’t really expect you to be as invested, he’s the parent, so of course he’s very keen. However, you could have been a bit more diplomatic!

biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 15:51

Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 15:08

And I don’t see how anything less than brutal honesty is a good thing but we’ll agree to disagree

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There are ways to be "brutally honest" that are also diplomatic and sensitive towards the other party's feelings.

ReadingRubbish · 22/02/2025 16:01

Were you aware your comment would upset him?

I think it's good to be honest if it achieves something but I can't see what you achieved other than upsetting him. It I seems like you wanted to upset him to make a point about how tired you were. That seems unkind and unnecessary.