To have been this honest with my husband?

[Wallflowersunite]

Long story short but without drip feeding. My husband has two children with his ex girlfriend. They’ve been split for 6 years, we’ve been together 5, married 2, have a baby and another on the way. After many many court battles (instigated by my husband) to get contact sorted (after his ex repeatedly stopped contact, and which I was witness to rather than just told), his ex made a malicious report to child welfare (which has since been sorted and dismissed by all legal authorities). During the investigation I had to supervise contact between my husband and son which was a real logistical nightmare but we got through it and he’s been acquitted.

The wheels are back in motion for him to reestablish contact with his children and whilst I totally support this, I am scared but that’s another conversation. He asked me tonight if I missed them (haven’t seen them in a few months) and I was brutally honest and said no but I totally understand it must be heart wrenching for him. He got a bit defensive and asked why I didn’t miss them. I again was honest and said I have a baby who is very clingy, I’m heavily pregnant, I’m still working full time and I’m trying to secure a promotion before I go off on mat leave. I apologised and said I probably should think about them more but at the minute I’m just living hour to hour because our lives are very full on.

he’s grand but he seems a bit upset my response. Aibu?

With that policy he should be careful to only ask questions where he can bear to hear your honest answer without behaving like a controlling prick.

Why wouldn't thoughts or feelings be allowed? It's not as though we have to voice everything we feel or think.

In this scenario, the OP was asked a direct question and gave an honest answer, within the 'honesty' terms of their relationship.

If people don't want a truthful answer, why ask the question?

@Wallflowersunite total honesty clause of the relationship aside, I don't think you were unreasonable to say you don't miss them if you don't.

Honesty is not always the best policy.

I find in the long term honesty always is the best policy. I came from a very very abusive relationship so I can’t tolerate lies, but maybe I’m a little skewed on that based on my personal experiences. Were both adults, we should be capable of hearing the truth.

I suppose I'd frame it another way. If you didn't miss the kids and don't really care about them being there it would add another dimension. Are you indifferent to his kids? His question is probably a more nuanced question than you both realised. It might be that it requires more thought- and same with your answer.

Is it that you are up to your eyes and you're focussed on the stress of trying to see them being over so you can enjoy them again? Or do you really feel nothing towards them? Because I imagine he's gone away from this conversation thinking you feeling nothing towards his kids.

we have a total honesty policy. We’ve both been in really toxic relationships before and we know it’s better just to be honest, it might seem harsh or weird but it’s how we operate

If someone was 100% honest all the time I'd suspect they were ND . Most people can't be honest with themselves let alone other people.

What has being'totally honest' in this situation achieved? It's just upset him and not achieved anything positive. They are his kids and your kids siblings.

Could you have possibly said the same thing without sounding so harsh and blunt by saying it differently?

Maybe it is how you phrased it. I expect what you dont miss is the added work and the drama.

he’s grand but he seems a bit upset my response

Does "he's grand" mean that he's basically fine and despite being upset is moving on from the conversation? Because that means your total honesty policy is working. You replied honestly. He was a bit upset (and the reasons are obvious) but he was capable of taking it in and not making a huge deal out of it. This seems quite healthy to me.

I admire your total honesty policy and in many ways it's an ideal to aspire to, but one of the consequences is that both of you will inevitably say things that upset the other (and total honesty means that the upset partner will show it). The payoff is that despite all that, you don't let it become a huge thing that sours the relationship.

Total honesty can sometimes be brutal for the other person to hear.
You love your DH, he's obviously struggling not seeing his dc.
You empathise with that.
It would have been kinder to say "of course I miss them, I can't wait to see them, we could do xyz with them next week"
It's about empathy and kindness towards your dh.
Maybe it's just me but I wouldn't class it as lying, more sparing dhs feelings.

You were too honest but not in a good way.

@Clarice99 because OP says if they're asked a question, they have to be totally honest. So no private thoughts or feelings - they have to say exactly how they feel if they're asked.

I just don't think that's healthy and is potentially actually quite a toxic way of life.

There's a difference between lying and just not telling someone everything that's on your mind when they ask you a question, though.

If people don't want a truthful answer, why ask the question?

Because sometimes people want sympathy, or empathy, or just someone to listen.

Not every question requires brutal honest in return. Sometimes it's about choosing your moment and deciding that, actually, it's okay to keep some things to yourself.

It would be lying and misleading. OP was truthful but tactless. She could have acknowledged his feelings and explained her priorities less bluntly.

But imagine if he said to you 'I really miss my kids. If I hadn't got involved with you and had more kids, I'd probably be seeing them now'.
I'm not saying this is fact! But can't you see that people speaking their truth 100% of the time could be damaging to a relationship?

OP, you are dealing with so much, your honesty was appropriate.

Your story is why I would advise any woman and do, not to go near a man with children.

Too hard, too relentless, with second family ALWAYS on the back foot.

Better to be single.
If he doesn't get how hard life is for you right now, its only confirmation that you are with a selfish man IMO.

Mind yourself and keep your family and friends close.

I wonder if there was another way of putting the truth. I’m looking forward to seeing them again/ I can’t wait to show them x thing or it’s made me sad how our ds hasn’t been able to see their siblings for x amount of time or something?

Not a lot of men would miss their partners children as much as the mothers. They just wouldn’t. A vast number wouldn’t even miss their own. A lot don’t seem to have the ability to see things from other ppls perspective like women can. Most women understand their partner won’t feel the same about their children as they do, but for some reason these men expect women to feel exactly the same - it’s a lack of empathy and a degree of entitlement. They love and think they’re great so you must too. Different story entirely if roles were reversed

we don’t have to tell each other every thought, Jesus that would be exhausting. But if we ask something we expect honesty. I’ve been on the receiving end of it too and prefer it.

I’ve said this to him to be fair. I asked him if he regretted meeting me or would end up resenting me because of the lack of contact. He said no because we can’t control his ex’s reaction to us having a life, and a happy one at that. It would be different if I said he wasn’t to see the kids

I understand it's been easier without them around but I miss kids that aren't related to me that I don't live with if I don't see them for months. If i were him I'd be troubled by your answer

There aren't many step parents who would actively miss them if their sc weren't there - in fact, on the contrary it appears from this board, and I know I would be, they're doing the happy dance if they don't come.

And hats off to those step parents who do have the capacity to love their partners children as their own.

But. This isn't fair on the sdc is it? They now have to spend X amount of time in a house where one of the adults doesn't want them there. That can't be pleasant.

So, for me, the honesty needs to come BEFORE. 'I love you Bob, but I won't be able to love your children. '

Blended families are almost never pleasant for the children, simply about what the adults want.

Quite. YANBU.

@Wallflowersunite but if you expect brutal honest to every question asked, then surely by default there's no right to private thoughts in your marriage?

Yes, okay, if you're not asked then you don't have to say, but the way things are now, if he asks you something, you can't miss things out or be tactful, you have to say the truth?

That's not really how I'd want to conduct any of my relationships. It's brutal.

Then don’t. It’s that simple.