To have been this honest with my husband?

[Wallflowersunite]

Long story short but without drip feeding. My husband has two children with his ex girlfriend. They’ve been split for 6 years, we’ve been together 5, married 2, have a baby and another on the way. After many many court battles (instigated by my husband) to get contact sorted (after his ex repeatedly stopped contact, and which I was witness to rather than just told), his ex made a malicious report to child welfare (which has since been sorted and dismissed by all legal authorities). During the investigation I had to supervise contact between my husband and son which was a real logistical nightmare but we got through it and he’s been acquitted.

The wheels are back in motion for him to reestablish contact with his children and whilst I totally support this, I am scared but that’s another conversation. He asked me tonight if I missed them (haven’t seen them in a few months) and I was brutally honest and said no but I totally understand it must be heart wrenching for him. He got a bit defensive and asked why I didn’t miss them. I again was honest and said I have a baby who is very clingy, I’m heavily pregnant, I’m still working full time and I’m trying to secure a promotion before I go off on mat leave. I apologised and said I probably should think about them more but at the minute I’m just living hour to hour because our lives are very full on.

he’s grand but he seems a bit upset my response. Aibu?

I’m disgusted by some PPs. This dreadful human being has set all your lives on fire and they will not be content unless you allow your family to burn.
If DH cannot save all of his children from this woman’s actions then saving his young family and marriage is preferable to allowing everyone’s lives to be wrecked. Hopefully by stepping away and not feeding her anymore, the knock on effect on his elder kids will be more calm and stability.
I’d be encouraging DH to document absolutely everything so that when his kids come knocking, he can show them that he did love them and fight for them.

Oh am I supposed to break down and cry that I’m not allowed to say what I think about this thread?
I don’t give a rats arse what these people think or don’t think about my opinion so chuckle all you like - glad I’ve improved your day I suppose 🤷‍♀️
I spoke in support of OP, who has been taking quite the battering based on all the deleted comments.

Lol, you must have been chuckling through the entire thread then, considering the amount of posters that think OP needs to give a hoot that they think her disgusting.

Poor thing. Read it back, it might cheer you up, on the principle that laughter is good for the soul.

I don't miss my DP's children when they aren't here and I'm completely untroubled by that. I'm sure I would miss them if their DM hadn't created a dynamic where the children felt as if they had to do anything that they could to stop themselves enjoying or liking a single thing about their time with their dad, and especially me. I don't miss worrying about what is going to be said or done next, and what scheming is going on. Frankly there is nothing to miss. Just because I don't miss DP's children doesn't mean that I don't feel sad at how things turned out, or sad for him, and the children, and my own DC.

But how about your husband

He has two lots of children to worry about.

Which of those will win?

Do you really think that as the Ex sounds totally unhinged?

At what cost? It’s easy to say no cost is too great, but how many people have to pay the price for that when ‘victory’ is very far from guaranteed? Sometimes harm is an inevitable outcome, and all you can do is try to limit the amount caused.

OP doesn’t have bottomless emotional, mental and financial resources. It isn’t her duty to continue fighting at the expense of everything and everyone else. Malicious allegations can destroy lives, posing a very real threat to her children and her ability to provide for them. She hasn’t stopped him from fighting, she’s decided for the sake of herself and her children that it’s something she’s no longer going to support.

Ugh. Always feel so sorry for the children stuck in the middle of these situations.

Desperate woman pretending she gives a toss about a some bloke's kids so she can reel him by pretending to be step-mother of the year, but once her own "little family" comes along the act is well and truly dropped.

Sounds like OP's 'honest' response was her subtely laying the groundwork to eventually try to convince him to stop fighting for contact. Thankfully he doesn't seem to be taking the bait.

I hope of it for the sake of these poor kids. If she’s not fighting their dad she will find someone else to fight, I’m sure, but anyone else is going to be less damaging to the kids than this King Solomon situation surely?

It doesn’t sound like OP hasn’t been honest with him, or presented herself as anyone other than who she is.

She’s not been ‘subtle’, and nor has she tried to convince him of anything - she’s clearly communicated to him what she is and isn’t prepared to do/spend/risk. He’s a grown man capable of making his own decisions, and the ball is in his court.