To have been this honest with my husband?

[Wallflowersunite]

Long story short but without drip feeding. My husband has two children with his ex girlfriend. They’ve been split for 6 years, we’ve been together 5, married 2, have a baby and another on the way. After many many court battles (instigated by my husband) to get contact sorted (after his ex repeatedly stopped contact, and which I was witness to rather than just told), his ex made a malicious report to child welfare (which has since been sorted and dismissed by all legal authorities). During the investigation I had to supervise contact between my husband and son which was a real logistical nightmare but we got through it and he’s been acquitted.

The wheels are back in motion for him to reestablish contact with his children and whilst I totally support this, I am scared but that’s another conversation. He asked me tonight if I missed them (haven’t seen them in a few months) and I was brutally honest and said no but I totally understand it must be heart wrenching for him. He got a bit defensive and asked why I didn’t miss them. I again was honest and said I have a baby who is very clingy, I’m heavily pregnant, I’m still working full time and I’m trying to secure a promotion before I go off on mat leave. I apologised and said I probably should think about them more but at the minute I’m just living hour to hour because our lives are very full on.

he’s grand but he seems a bit upset my response. Aibu?

This is why I said it’s a weird question. He only wanted to hear one thing - that she has the same attachment to his kids that he does.

He is upset that she does not and no answer, apart from lying, would have avoided upsetting him.

Maybe he thought they were a family and he was opening a discussion about how much they were missing the children? Maybe he wanted some empathy? I very much doubt he expected OP to admit that she didn’t care all that much about them.

Easily - by skirting a little around the direct question and giving a tactful answer.

DH: I really miss Topsy and Tim, don't you?
OP: It's certainly strange without them around and I'm definitely looking forward to them visiting again like they used to.

It shows a bit of empathy and kindness and doesn't hurt anyone's feelings unnecessarily. There's just no need to be unkind and blame it on "being honest".

So you think she should have lied?

I guess I'm coming at it from the angle that I wouldn't be cold enough to tell my husband "no, I don't miss your kids" no matter how "brutally honest" I'd agreed to be.

There would have been absolutely no harm in saying "of course I do" and just leaving it at that. What OP said was really unkind, IMO.

So you do think she should have lied.

I think the husband was a fool for asking the question and I don’t know why parents expect others to feel the same way about their children that they do.

I guess some people just don't understand the concept of empathy.

I can't imagine being unpleasant enough to say to DH "sorry, I don't miss your kids". Even if it is true, what's the benefit in saying something so upsetting?

I think you are the one not understanding the definition of empathy tbh.

She showed empathy for the impact the separation from his kids is having on him. You wanted her to lie.

I am saying it was stupid of her husband to ask a question he only wants one response to. I likely would have lied but been very annoyed at having to lie.

(I also don’t understand people who expect others to feel about their kids the way they feel about their kids.)

I don't see it as a lie, I see it as being diplomatic.

And yes, technically it is a lie but despite what OP wants to believe, nobody needs to be "brutally honest" all the time.

but I would be annoyed if I asked him something and he wasn’t just honest with me. What happens when it resurfaces again or there’s a bump in the road with contact and he sees me getting on with it and wonders why I’m not more upset when I lied and said I miss them? I don’t miss them, that’s the truth and from my own point of view I’m indifferent about contact resuming (apart from the fact I’m afraid of another malicious report being made). I do feel for my husband though and I sincerely hope that for him that a normal relationship is resumed soon

People should never ask a question to which they are not prepared to hear the honest answer.

This is exactly my position!

”I don’t miss them, that’s the truth and from my own point of view I’m indifferent about contact resuming”

Another totally fucked blended family that was doomed from the start.

Shame as loads of blended families are brill. Mine is ace.

A minority are brilliant and welcoming and loving. Most are not.

Before I had my own children I would’ve disagreed with you but you’re bang on

I know most will disagree with me, but I find the OP quite cold and uncaring. I pity those kids if they find themselves back into her home.

Where in her op did she say she didn't care for them, she said she didn't miss them way of from not caring for them.

My reading of the OP was correct unfortunately - she doesn’t care if she never sees them again. In an update:”I’m indifferent about contact resuming”.

In the continuing spirit of honesty, you could tell him tomorrow you have been reflecting on your answer (which you have, by bringing it here and asking for opinions). You can probably see with hindsight that while you answered him honestly, he was really asking for your solidarity in understanding how much HE misses them.

Well i have reread all her replys and I'm struggling to find them words.

I agree, it was a daft question.
Given the behaviour of the ex and all the turmoil she has caused and the large beaks in contact, where/when/how can OP have been expected to develop deep feelings for the DC?

The post at 20.22

Saying you are indifferent from contact resuming isn’t the same as saying you dislike them.