To have been this honest with my husband?

[Wallflowersunite]

Long story short but without drip feeding. My husband has two children with his ex girlfriend. They’ve been split for 6 years, we’ve been together 5, married 2, have a baby and another on the way. After many many court battles (instigated by my husband) to get contact sorted (after his ex repeatedly stopped contact, and which I was witness to rather than just told), his ex made a malicious report to child welfare (which has since been sorted and dismissed by all legal authorities). During the investigation I had to supervise contact between my husband and son which was a real logistical nightmare but we got through it and he’s been acquitted.

The wheels are back in motion for him to reestablish contact with his children and whilst I totally support this, I am scared but that’s another conversation. He asked me tonight if I missed them (haven’t seen them in a few months) and I was brutally honest and said no but I totally understand it must be heart wrenching for him. He got a bit defensive and asked why I didn’t miss them. I again was honest and said I have a baby who is very clingy, I’m heavily pregnant, I’m still working full time and I’m trying to secure a promotion before I go off on mat leave. I apologised and said I probably should think about them more but at the minute I’m just living hour to hour because our lives are very full on.

he’s grand but he seems a bit upset my response. Aibu?

I completely understand why you wouldn't miss them, I think that's fairly natural when they're not your children. However, I do think a small white lie in this case wouldn't have hurt.

But you've told him now, he'll have to either accept it or not accept it.

god you’re having a wild Saturday night. I said I have a better job, it’s 2025, it’s not a big deal a woman earning more than a man, I picked an excellent career in my youth. And yes I got very lucky, I am with a man who is honest and loyal, doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t gamble, doesn’t cheat and who puts me and my needs first every single time. I sincerely hope you find the same.

I find this sad. It sounds like he was having a Vulnerable moment and instead of empathy you gave him "brutal honesty". Sometimes you don't need to hear the truth. You said you've come from an abusive relationship - maybe it's time to address that because this isn't a healthy or kind way to live. Take it from someone who has been happily and healthily married for decades.

Not at all, I knew what I signed up for step kids wise. I’m more afraid of his ex making a malicious report again. She’s hell bent on getting contact stopped.

Totally disagree. People shouldn’t ask questions they don’t really want the answer to.

YANBU OP. I too much prefer honesty all the time rather than fake platitudes. I dated someone with kids once, I definitely didn’t miss them when they weren’t around, in fact I preferred it (no, I won’t be dating a parent again)

Of course there's a nice way to say no.

He's not upset because you told the truth, he's upset because you have no attachment to his children. He wants you to be a family eventually, when contact is established. His children will be your children's siblings and for him, naturally, he will struggle to see how it's going to work if you don't care about them at all and have no bond with them.

It's not your fault you feel the way you do and it's neither uncommon nor surprising, but it is the reason why blended families rarely turn out to be stable, happy and healthy, especially for the children.

He sounds like a prince

This

My thoughts exactly, talk about low standards!

I think I recognise your writing style, which is extremely difficult to follow.

I doubt there is a way to communicate you don’t miss somebody else’s children without hurting their feelings.

Not if you have a policy of "brutal honesty" as OP does, no.

But there are ways of answering that question tactfully, IMO.

Yes, exactly. There's no reason to say "no, I don't miss your kids" like OP did. It's just being hurtful for the sake of it.

Realistic, I'd say.

Will this extend into brutal honesty with your children/

Sums it up perfectly. He’s not upset you told the truth; he’s upset BY your truth.

How?

No matter how much tact (I thought OPs first reaponse was very tactful) a parent will he miffed hearing you don’t have the same feelings for their children that they do.

So how do you answer the question honestly without being honest?

Isn’t it just easier to not ask questions you only want one answer to?