To think my kids grandparents are terrible

[Ryleightown]

I just feel so sorry for my kids that they won’t get loving grandparents like I did. I feel like today’s generation of grandparents are so self centred and hands off. My mom had 2 more kids when I was a teenager and I had to help her relentlessly. Took them out every weekend to the park when I was a teenager and had my own life, had to watch the kids while she gave birth etc. And they’re not in my kids lives at all. In fact, I had my wisdom teeth out today and they couldn’t even help me out with the kids so I’m here quite angry and in heaps of pain (which is probably contributing to my bad mood.) I think 100% you should be prepared to raise your own kids when you have them but my parents should’ve lived by this rule too considering I had to help them raise kids when I was a child myself. And my DH’s parents are just as bad. His dad left when he was young and his mom is going through her own issues. Had given him up a long time ago. Our parents were so reliant on theirs when we was younger but absent when we have kids. It’s infuriating. Husband is out of town on business btw. That’s why he can’t watch kids. We get no support and fair enough not wanting to be in your adult children’s lives ( I don’t understand it) but your grandchildren too?

Yep, I feel you. Don't want to say too much as hard and outing but I feel you.

I try to feel sorry for them for what they're missing out on and vow to be a better grandparent myself if the time comes.

My mum wasn't a great either she too had younger children and also worked so she didn't really get involved which is a shame,and in the midst of having young kids i felt annoyed, now I couldn't care less I just let it go it isn't worth your head space. Do you have other support kids friends parents that you could ask in an emergency like the dentist?

Here we go again with yet another grand parent bashing thread. This generation as you so kindly refer to us all as, are no different from any other. There have always through out time been some grandparents who are more involved than others. It isn’t a generation thing at all. I could turn around and say the latest generation of parents are becoming far more entitled in expecting free childcare but that wouldn’t be fair. You are unreasonable for slating a whole generation. It’s a shame they don’t offer to help but that doesn’t mean they don’t love them.

I agree grandparents (assuming they are able) should want to support their children. My parents had no support and they didn't support me. And same with pils. Sil and bil get a lot of support from bils parents tho.

I'm always envious of friends who have lots of support.

I hope to support my kids although I currently have a health condition that may impact.

Oh posted too soon
, my eldest is in their 30s so it's not a "new thing as such but it Is a shame that they didn't really want involved with their grandchildren,

Late Mil was fantastic she loved being involved and would have the kids at her house or take them out for the afternoon because she liked .spending time with them.

Most parents of adult children are still working and don't have lots of free time to babysit. My parents (my mum was at home) gave me lots of support raising my daughter, and my in-laws (both working) none at all. Guess who saw most of the child and had a part in her life?

This is a really big factor. If it’s childcare / babysitting you want then you’ll most likely struggle getting that from grandparents who are still working.

Grandparent here I’ve got 7 and 5 year old with me today as it’s half term and mums at work ,every one of my friends who are grandparents help out .I still work only part time now .So it’s not all of us ,but I enjoy it.

It's really hard. My kids are a bit older and easier now and don't want anything to do with one set of grandparents. The grandparents keep asking to see them now and seem angry when we say we are too busy. I know they are looking at their friends who are very involved in their family's lives and they don't have that. They are a lot older now and quite alone. I don't feel bitter now (like I did when I really needed sleep and a bit of a break) I just feel sad for them.
The plus point is that I don't feel I owe them anything.
I hope you feel better soon.

It’s not all Grandparents that I can say, my ex mil was brilliant until she was too ill to do it. My own Mum was a crappy mum and equally crappy grandparent.

I can assure you it's not a generation issue! It's down to the individual person - their personality, outlook on life and own circumstances. I'm 50, and my Grandfather on my Dad's side was not involved in any of his grandchildren's lives, simply wasn't interested. On the other hand my Grandmother on my Mum's side doted on all her grandchildren. My husband's grandparents on both sides weren't interested. My FIL, isn't interested in his grandchildren, only on a superficial level. Whereas my parents are very involved with my son (he's their only grandchild as I'm an only child).

YANBU however you are to state that it is a generational thing; my parents and in laws were amazing and really supportive. Tons of grandparents are out there every day helping their families, a large percentage of the country depends on them for daycare now.

You should not have been expected to parent siblings, though OP and of course this causes resentment and is very unfair. You can't really have expected support now with your own children if you didn't get it when you were a child yourself and I am sorry for that for you.

I hope the pain eases and you feel better soon, OP. 💐

Maybe it's time for them to live their lives? They've done their time raising children.

I agree, but realistically the kind of parents who want lots of help when their children are young are not going to be the ones to help with grandchildren, they see things as other people's responsibility not their own. If you're parents palmed their younger children off on you, I'm not surprised they're not jumping to help you out, they're selfish.

Or getting their older children and parents to

Eh?

Uninvolved parents means you're uninvolved when they have a stroke and need help.

This is me too. Hugs xx

I hear you op . One my inlaws side I have a raging alcoholic who you wouldn’t leave your pet hamster with and mine are all elderly but even when way younger would not watch them for even 5 seconds while I went to the bathroom!
I remember having dry socket and not a single member of my family offered to help when my dh had to go had to work. They would/will never ever, ever help and won’t ever. It’s so so weird tbh … also they don’t spend time with us at all even with me obviously being there 🤷‍♀️
Oh and cherry on top I can’t even visit and stay as we’re never invited and it’s “too much “ with my kids and me there after an hour but I still have a family member complaining about why we don’t visit more , like wtaf can I do !?
My kids also no longer want to be stuck in a car for hours to have to turn round and drive all the way back again after an hour.
Im surrounded by people who don’t have to think twice about this stuff, they literally just say “oh I dropping dcs off at Granny’s for an hour” or I’m visiting for a couple of nights with the kids whereas I absolutely can’t .. it’s fckn embarrassing and makes it look very odd to others , Mose people think my family are dead or abroad.
My dcs are all older too so I don’t get it tbh … it’s gone on so long that we don’t have a relationship really and I guess if I think about my own background it makes sense.
I had to pay for help when I went into labour and I minded my sisters and sils kids a lot before I had my own.
The one thing is op is that it’s made me very resilient, very independent and strong and I help people , I’ve had my neighbours kids over when she had a bereavement, I didn’t think twice, I’ve volunteered with a program for respite for parents of kids with sn whereas my sister (who is all about this verbally ) wouldn’t dream of helping others.
I asked my sister to babysit for our wedding anniversary and I’d have had all the kids in bed and she said no , “too much , what if they wake up “ so so so weird and selfish . It’s like a principle with my family “we will never help “. They absolutely won’t offer .
I will say op my eldest is 14 and a great kid and in a couple of years my dh and I will be able to go for walks , go to the cinema without paying a teenager (who we can’t really relax about -15 euros per hour). Imagine how much a night away would cost us!! Also we have friends blah blah but they don’t need to do babysitting swaps as they all have normal family .
People who have family support are so lucky. We’ll get there op and appreciate it so much !!

You said they had done their time raising children and now want to live their lives. Except they didn't, they palmed them off on OP and their parents (OPs grandparents).

They didn't want a big hand in raising their own children so it's hardly surprising they're not interested in their grandchildren

To paraphrase a wise poster who resonated with me on a similar thread:

"If they got loads of help from Grandparents to raise their own children and aren't involved in their own grandchildren's lives. They probably don't enjoy being around children."

This really made me think, if my mum never cooked or crafted when I was growing up, I wouldn't expect her to start cooking for my DC or taking them for crafting activities. It feels different but if she's not interested, then she's not interested. I enjoy being with my children and I hope to be an involved grandparent if/when the time comes.

I get you OP and I don’t agree it’s grandparent bashing at all. My parents never paid for a penny of childcare. I did it all - full time during the day while they worked, all babysitting for them and often their friends small children too. Only when I was about 14 did one of their friends suggest that as I could earn money from babysitting other families now, then they should all chip in to pay me on big occasions like NYE. My parents were baffled by this but reluctantly went along with it. While I looked after their child during the day I was expected to hoover, dust, clean the bathroom, wash all dishes and dry them, change beds and prepare vegetables for the evening meal, from age 9 onwards.

However when I had a child of my own I was told in no uncertain terms not to expect too much help and any help I got came with restrictions - back at a certain time, clear resentment and lemon sucking faces.

I was told on here though that all childcare and cleaning provided by me was just what is expected of children/teens and it shouldn’t have anything to do with help from grandparents later. Convenient. My domestic labour contributed £1000s to the long term economic security of my parents for around a decade until I left home but no, it’s entitled to expect any help to be reciprocated 🙄

In this one case OP suggests that's what happened. That's not the case all the time though, and yet we still see the entitled 'I need childcare' brigade.

Nothing at all to do with generation, it’s just down to individual choice. My parents did absolutely nothing to help as they weren’t interested in children once their own had left home. Their choice. My grandparents were “ old” when they were in their early sixties back in the 1950’s so not much input from them but I still have lovely memories of visiting them. I love spending time with my grandchildren, will do anything in an emergency and volunteered one day a week childcare for the preschool years. ( no way could I have had the energy to do more than one full day a week!).
The other grandparents, all different, one does a lot, one does nothing, one occasionally offers.
I personally think they are missing out but then I love children, some don’t once their own have grown.

Why does it have to be about childcare? That’s their grandchildren shouldn’t our kids be allowed a relationship with extended family… Yet some (by no means all) grandparents see it as a chore to be around their grandchildren.