To think my kids grandparents are terrible

[Ryleightown]

I just feel so sorry for my kids that they won’t get loving grandparents like I did. I feel like today’s generation of grandparents are so self centred and hands off. My mom had 2 more kids when I was a teenager and I had to help her relentlessly. Took them out every weekend to the park when I was a teenager and had my own life, had to watch the kids while she gave birth etc. And they’re not in my kids lives at all. In fact, I had my wisdom teeth out today and they couldn’t even help me out with the kids so I’m here quite angry and in heaps of pain (which is probably contributing to my bad mood.) I think 100% you should be prepared to raise your own kids when you have them but my parents should’ve lived by this rule too considering I had to help them raise kids when I was a child myself. And my DH’s parents are just as bad. His dad left when he was young and his mom is going through her own issues. Had given him up a long time ago. Our parents were so reliant on theirs when we was younger but absent when we have kids. It’s infuriating. Husband is out of town on business btw. That’s why he can’t watch kids. We get no support and fair enough not wanting to be in your adult children’s lives ( I don’t understand it) but your grandchildren too?

Blaming a generation because of your parents is nonsensical.

I feel for you, I'm a grandma myself and I have a lot to do with mine. In fact, I've got 4 of them here today!

People who have regular support from grandparents are really lucky.
Distance and age meant we have never had this. It must be such a totally different life to have this.
When my youngest was born, I had to cancel my middle child's swimming lessons because I couldn't take their baby sibling to the lessons.
I was telling a friend who has loads of support from both sets of grandparents. " Oh isn't there someone to have the baby".
Er no, nobody at all. My mother was actually dying at that time so even if distance allowed , she couldn't do it.
It must be amazing to have family involved.

@Ryleightown
I get fed up with posts that make such sweeping generalisations. I'm a very hands on granny and have been helping with childcare for 19 years now. (Eldest GC is 19 and I started when he was 6 months old)

I even retired early to help my DDs with childcare because otherwise having children was unaffordable for them. This week I've had the youngest 3 GC for 4 days as I do for every school holiday. I do school pick ups, evening babysits, school holiday cover and even weekends so that my kids get a break.

Stop the granny bashing, we're not all uncaring, selfish monsters!

I think part of it is that previous generations of grandparents retired earlier or had grandma at home already so they had the time to be active and helpful for their children. Grandparents these days are typically still working or working later and then have little retirement years and obviously want to do as they wish and cannot commit the same amount of time for their grandchildren. Another consideration is that they may have been able to help with the first lot of grandchildren and then aged out of being able to do the same for the younger ones from different siblings.

Maybe some parents had children not because they particularly wanted them but because it’s what people expected-what people did. They may have discovered that being around children wasn’t that great-so now they’re done with child raising, they don’t want to do any more. And that’s ok. Am speaking as someone who was orphaned young, my dh’s mum had early dementia so we had nothing. But it was fine-there are pluses too about raising them without help. If my kids have them, I want to help but envisage no more than once a week excluding emergencies. I see that as a good compromise between retiring and enjoying doing what I like and also helping my children.

It isn't a generational thing.

I'm 60. My mother was appalled by her grandchildren. She wanted photos for the mantlepiece, and bragging rights when they passed exams but refused to have anything to do with them. Never baby sat. Never wanted them in her home. Complained about them having hobbies that meant their parents had other priorities.

Yet my dsis, who has five dgcs so far, provided a home for one dd & dgd when they were abandoned, still babysits regularly despite being in her 70s.

Some people are more self-centred than others, but it has nothing to do with age.

I feel like today’s generation of grandparents are so self centred and hands off

No, your children's grandparents might be but don't go tarring a whole generation with the same brush.

For me it was the other way round, my mom works full time and has helped A LOT, and MIL never worked and we saw her once in a whole year after having my baby. Guess who's not gonna be a part of his life

Fair comment. But GP who don't want to help at all (and I mean not having a GC for the odd evening, not the every day pick up from school which can be limiting) would just buy in the help and use whatever they've got available to pay for it - why wouldn't they?

We're not at a GP stage yet, DS is still at school. But DH and I have said to DS 'don't do this thing of moving closer to us or getting us to move closer to you when we get old because you feel obliged to help. We'd love to be closer to see you and any family you may have but you need to feel free to move away in this country or abroad if that's where your dreams take you. Life's too short to worry too much about us as we age. That's what the house is for'. Our plan, having done the caring for elderly parents with dementia and not wishing it on DS, is to get the equity out of the house and buy in help if it's needed (hopefully not).

So I'd imagine, if I were a GP who didn't want to be involved, holding the 'don't expect help from me then' argument over me wouldn't worry me. I'd just spend what was needed to keep me happy and safe.

As I said in a previous, similar, thread, it's fine hoping for help but not fine to expect it. My DSis has just had to tell her DS that she can no longer help one day a week as she has for the past few years as she needs to earn a full week's money (COL means she can't keep working part time). They've been very understanding and grateful but it's coming at the worst time as they announced a couple of weeks later that they're expecting another child...Can't hold it against DSis though - she's got to eat! GP on the other side are sadly, no longer with us so it's digging deeper in pockets to buy the help they need for two kids.

YABU to say it’s generational thing, it really isn’t. It’s a person thing. Some people will be kind, loving and involved parents and grandparents and some won’t be.

I loved being at my nans when I was a kid. My kids have no real relationship at all with any of their grandparents.

My children wouldn't recognise your description of 'today's generation of grandparents are so self-centred and hands-off' in any way whatsoever. What's with the sweeping generalisation of a whole group of people based on your own limited personal experience?
I rearranged my working week when my first grandchild was born so that I could look after her one day a week while my daughter worked. That meant working at home over the weekend to make up the time. When my second grandchild arrived I took early retirement to help care for them. I now have a 3rd grandchild who we also look after one day a week.
All my friends with grandchildren do the same thing with one exception, but that's due to a breakdown in the relationship with the child and comes from their side not my friend's choice.
When I collect my grandchildren from school I see literally dozens of grandparents there doing childcare. FGS - stop with the ridiculous ageism

My mum was crap beyond baby days. I did a lot of childcare for dgc and absolutely loved it. I’m not needed much now and obviously see less of dgc as they’re tween and teens but still have a loving relationship with them.
I genuinely think children are a joy - mostly. There are challenges but I think less for grandparents.

A lot of my friends and young people today have the same experience whatever the reason might be. Of course this is anecdotal and what else do I have to go off of? I’m sorry for generalising; those of you who are great and supportive grandparents I’m sure your families appreciate it massively. If the shoe don’t fit..

As its half term this week, when we’ve been out and about, I’ve seen plenty of grandparents with their grandchildren, just going for a walk maybe, in the garden centre, in town.

If you’re a grandparent in 40s/50s, you’re probably still working. I was and couldn’t do daytime child care, but babysat and did weekends, then school runs etc when I went part time.

Some people offer, some don’t. Some love it, some don’t. Not everyone will be fit enough to look after small children when they’re older.

mine neither - as young adults I have apologised to them for their awful grandparents

Did you sit down and have the conversation before you had babies? Did you ask your parents how much they would be involved and what your and theirs expectations where? Especially as you had contributed to your siblings upbringing?

Yes, my parents got so much help from their parents. I spent a lot of time with both grandparents.

My parents are good with words but not actions. They are useless with their grandchildren beyond platitudes.

I'm a grandparent but I don't feel like I'm being 'bashed' as I don't behave like OP's parents. Her mum definitely has a cheek as she used OP as regular childcare for her much younger siblings but has no interest in helping out with or even just having a loving relationship with her grandchildren.

TBH, her mum sounds like she wasn't great as a mother so it's probably unrealistic to expect her to be a good grandmother.

You are being unreasonable to blame an entire generation of grandparents - grandparents now do an awful lot of childcare. Over the past two generations there has been a massive rise in the amount of childcare grandparents do.

Are you after loving grandparent relationships, or free childcare?

I want my child to have a 'fun' relationship with her grandparents, not one that involves them being hard-core involved with behaviour management and so on. I want her to be spoiled by them and enjoyed by them. If they are just doing regular free childcare, it turns into something else. In my opinion.

My personal experience, this is an individual thing and not a generational thing. Although I sympathise the situation sounds horrible.

My mum is way more hands on with DD than my gran was with me. I would say that seems the case with most of my mum friends. PILs always keen to see out kids.

(Understandable really as gran had way more kids = way more grand kids and the other GPs died early so it wouldn't have been feasible.)

But yes, your grandparents specifically, sound pretty terrible.

by I am 56 and didn't have a close grandparent relationship with either sets of my grandparents - we went to visit them occasionally with my parents and that was it. They never, and were never expected by my parents to babysit us.

It is not a generational thing, it is individual to families, bonds and relationships and peoples free choice of how much they want to get involved.

What I do believe is a generational thing is many more parents having expectations of grandparents, or any other family member, beyond what they are willing to give, and that is always unreasonable.