To think my kids grandparents are terrible

[Ryleightown]

I just feel so sorry for my kids that they won’t get loving grandparents like I did. I feel like today’s generation of grandparents are so self centred and hands off. My mom had 2 more kids when I was a teenager and I had to help her relentlessly. Took them out every weekend to the park when I was a teenager and had my own life, had to watch the kids while she gave birth etc. And they’re not in my kids lives at all. In fact, I had my wisdom teeth out today and they couldn’t even help me out with the kids so I’m here quite angry and in heaps of pain (which is probably contributing to my bad mood.) I think 100% you should be prepared to raise your own kids when you have them but my parents should’ve lived by this rule too considering I had to help them raise kids when I was a child myself. And my DH’s parents are just as bad. His dad left when he was young and his mom is going through her own issues. Had given him up a long time ago. Our parents were so reliant on theirs when we was younger but absent when we have kids. It’s infuriating. Husband is out of town on business btw. That’s why he can’t watch kids. We get no support and fair enough not wanting to be in your adult children’s lives ( I don’t understand it) but your grandchildren too?

It feels like this anger is about your own unresolved issues surrounding your own interrupted childhood, which are entirely valid. But there is no golden rule about what grandparents should or shouldn't do. If I ever get to be one, I know I will want to be as involved as I am allowed to be, but I wouldn't want anything to be expected of me. Three of my grandparents were dead by the time I was six and the remaining grandparent was elderly and lived quite far away so I had no real connection with any of mine... I don't think you can blame whole generations for your personal situation

This isn't my experience. My father is one of 10 children and my mother is one of 12. Only my paternal grandmother and maternal grandfather were alive when I was born and neither of them were involved in any childcare. My grandad lived with my uncle and aunt and needed care himself and my grandmother was independent right until she passed away but while we loved visiting she would not have been involved in childcare at all.
My parents have always helped out with childcare when possible, my oldest is 19 years old and the youngest nephew is 20 months and they are still very involved. My mother retired in the last few years but dad is still working. They can and want to do anything from a school collection to overnights/ multiple days. They aren't an oddity in my experience as mine and my siblings inlaws have been and are similarly involved when their work/ social life and health allows.

That's very harsh, it's an important lesson to teach our children that family support is not guaranteed.

Only give your time to help when it's mutual otherwise it causes pain.

We are talking about GPs and their offering support. That is separate to parenting

I’m self employed so can arrange my work around my gc.

But the op isn't attacking the children's father but happy to attack the GPs how is that fair? Obviously if the GPs are terrible the father must be worse as he's the parent as well as the partner and priorities work over either.

A lucky position I'm jealous, I work all week with under 3s then grandparent on a weekend when I can. It's exhausting

May I enquire if you are a parent or GP?
I have been trying to find out if you were the poster who said you had no children but your husband has a GC who you don't look after at anytime? If you are that poster, that goes somewhere in explaining your opinions.

Both DH and I spent an awful lot of time with our respective grandparents. Some of which was for babysitting and some was because they wanted to spend time with us.

Our DC have very limited relationships with our parents / their GP because both sides are just not interested. I don't expect them to provide free childcare, they are too old to need it now anyway. However it might have been nice if they had shown any interest in them at all other than us visiting them despite all living in the same town and all parents being fit, healthy and retired. The only thing that really bothers me is MIL hate sthe fact one of my DC won't have much to do with her but doesn't understand it's because she spent years ignoring DC and a bond was never built.

Same with mine.
They made it clear they were not interested when they were small, but now expect the adult kids to want to visit them!

No that isn't me I'm a parent and gp and I do childcare for my grandkids my son also is happy to take time off work to look after his own kids. Please explain why it's unreasonable to wonder why the father is excused a role in caring for his children in a pre planned situation. Are you being Sexist assuming a father can't do it?

Maybe wait until you’re a grandparent yourself before slating them

Please accept my apologies for making an incorrect assumption. I have never said or implied that a father is excused a caring role for his children in any situation. I get really irritated when people always assume mum as first point of call. In any situation where a GP is willing and available to support GC and avoiding the necessity for any parent to take a day's leave, I think that is more than reasonable

So my question is why in the circumstances that GP wasn't able is she not attacking the father for not doing it? As surely he is more responsible than the GP

Good point, I hadn't looked at it that way. I will pause for thought.......
Thank you

I agree. Women are expected to work until they're 67 to qualify for the state pension. That extra 7 years makes quite a difference.

And many public sector pensions are tied to state pension age

I don’t think it’s a generational thing. There have always been hands off grandparents (and parents even) this isn’t a new thing.
My GP were retired and provided some childcare to look after me and my sibling when my parents had to work weekends. Loved visiting GP. My parents were (and still are) amazing GP to my DC and helped as much as they were able once they were retired.
A lot of GP who are now in their 50’s can’t provide the same level of help that previous generations could because many are still working full time and have other commitments (such as caring for elderly relatives)

Agreed entirely @Ryleightown Mine are shite and DHs were fantastic but died really young. I am so bitter towards my friends who have really involved family members and we have 0. I don't say this to my friends by the way, I just feel cross internally.

I'm going to be the best Grandma out there!!

My paternal grandparents were both dead by the time I was 4. I never even met my maternal grandmother (otherwise known as "that bitch") until I was 11, and neither she nor my grandfather did anything to help my parents or us. I am 67.

This whole "what it used to be like in the old days" is getting tired. Nothing has really changed - some families are involved, others aren't. It also wasn't better during the war or whatever other rose tinted spectacles people like to wear.

I had 2 more children when my eldest were teenagers and never expected them to look after them. They have a wonderful relationship, the 4 of them- youngest 17, eldest 33.
I am a gm and I would help my dc out as much as I can but unfortunately I do need to work. They know I will.always do my best to be there for them. Of course they do have to let me know in advance as they don't live near me.
My parents are wonderful grandparents and they are abroad at moment staying with some friends and their 2 young grandchildren. They had never met the gc before and within hours of arriving dm has sent me a photo of df with 2 year old on his knee playing with her and the 5 year old. Df is in his 80s.

My grandparents did so much for my parents. Most weekends and after school we were with them. I get my parents had to work but my children have slept at their grandparents less than 5 times and my eldest is 21. They refuse to help out for me to go things like appointment as "they have their own lives".
I've got used to working things out for myself... no biggie! It's them that are losing out. I also care more for my last surviving grandparent (92) than her own children.

It is a generational thing. You're clearly of that generation by the offence you've taken. Your generation have had it SO much easier than current parents raising young kids (in a financial/economic sense - its a fact). You're so entitled and still have the audacity to moan about pensions which are a decent whack of money, compared to maternity pay which is basically half. There's no parent bashing, its calling a spade a spade.

Anyone who retired more than a few years ago, gets much less state pension than people retiring now do. The government increased the state pension and did not backdate it.
Employers did not have to contribute to pensions until recently, and many did not.
Older mothers in most cases got 3 months paid maternity leave.

Why do so very many (most of them in my experience though I haven't kept a spreadsheet ) threads about unsatisfactory grandparents boil down to how much childcare they give?

That is when they're not overstepping the mark on wanting to provide childcare?