To think my kids grandparents are terrible

[Ryleightown]

I just feel so sorry for my kids that they won’t get loving grandparents like I did. I feel like today’s generation of grandparents are so self centred and hands off. My mom had 2 more kids when I was a teenager and I had to help her relentlessly. Took them out every weekend to the park when I was a teenager and had my own life, had to watch the kids while she gave birth etc. And they’re not in my kids lives at all. In fact, I had my wisdom teeth out today and they couldn’t even help me out with the kids so I’m here quite angry and in heaps of pain (which is probably contributing to my bad mood.) I think 100% you should be prepared to raise your own kids when you have them but my parents should’ve lived by this rule too considering I had to help them raise kids when I was a child myself. And my DH’s parents are just as bad. His dad left when he was young and his mom is going through her own issues. Had given him up a long time ago. Our parents were so reliant on theirs when we was younger but absent when we have kids. It’s infuriating. Husband is out of town on business btw. That’s why he can’t watch kids. We get no support and fair enough not wanting to be in your adult children’s lives ( I don’t understand it) but your grandchildren too?

I haven't voted because I am very much a hands off grandmother through geography as much as anything else. My parents were a huge help through the years, my inlaws not at all but it was because they lived so far away. My parents lived in our garden.

If I had the chance I would love to be able to babysit, shop for the parents, do whatever was needed to make their lives easier so from that point of view you are definitely not unreasonable.

I have similar issues with my family. Luckily for me, my in-laws are much more like my own (wonderful) grandparents and although we sometimes have our differences I can’t fault how they are with my children.

Your mum sounds particularly selfish op.

Having wisdom teeth out can be an awful, painful experience.

I don't think that all grandparents are the same. It's half term and I've seen so many grandparents (some quite elderly) out with small children.

My mum and in laws have helped out here and there, and helped loads when the dc were very small.

I don't blame you for feeling pissed off and annoyed if your parents wouldn't even help you when you were ill. That's shit.

I get you op I don't expect childcare but I would have liked them to make an effort and want to see their grandchildren which they don't seem to care about at all. They were crap parents to us thought so that's probably why tbh. Iv stopped trying because they clearly don't care.
However when they are old and need any sort of help I won't be doing anything. You reap what you sow.

I'm a grandparent in my 50s. My youngest child became independent at around the same time my first GC was born. I work full time and since I was in my early 20s have combined this with childcare, and for a time, looking after my own elderly parents on top. I anticipate that I will continue to do so until my 70s if my health holds; looking after grandchildren, using annual leave to help my adult children cover school holidays etc. By the time I'm done I'll have 50+ years behind me of this. Don't get me wrong, it's my choice and I'm happy to make it. But it really grinds my gears when people assume it should be the default for my generation and if we don't do it we're 'selfish'. If you can't manage without grandparent support, then the sensible thing would have been to find out what was on offer before having your children, then you could have planned accordingly.

I understand this fully. It is about wanting to know their grandchildren beyond the most superficial level.

A proper interest in them as people and in their lives. That would be nice, and it doesn't even have to mean childcare.

We were in regular contact with my parents, though lived around three hours drive away. We visited them a couple of times a year and they would visit us once or twice a year too. They still kept interest/involvement in their grandchildren at arm's length and minimal.

My mother once said to me very forcefully when I was still a teenager that I was NEVER to ask her to look after my children. It stuck with me. I knew I would have minimal to no family support network so I only dared to pipe up and ask on the very rare occasion when I was truly stuck and had absolutely no choice. On one of those occasions (my FIL's funeral, care needed for a four month old and a four year old for just one afternoon ever) they spectacularly let me down too.

I don't know if it's generational. My parents and in-laws are not helpful, but I have friends who have really helpful and involved parents.

I feel you. It's not great and I've had moments of anger – especially when my mother paints herself as the dream grandmother – but it's important to come to terms with it, for your own sake.

'Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.' (Saint Augustine)

How dare your in laws still be working. Did you seriously think they should adapt their life around you and your childcare arrangements? Support is one thing but expecting grandparents to arrange their lives around you is entitled beyond belief. I could equally judge you for not staying at home to raise the children yourself that you chose to have.

I totally agree.

You were clearly taken advantage of.

But you know what they're like so there isn't a cat in hell's chance they'd look after your kids.

And would you really want them to? They sound horrible

My DD (2.5yo) knows who one set of grandparents are, she has no clue she has another set. They never ask about her, call or visit. My parents are considerably older than DH's parents, but make the effort. DH's parents play favourites and only see their grandson (my BIL's kid). Baffles me how DH's parents relied on their parents and their parents were amazing grandparents to DH. Now my IL's are grandparents, they are vile

Feel you op. I’m a single mum to 3yo and 11mo and the only time my DF has babysat overnight was the evening of my c section. Very exhausted and literally no adult social life but what to do. DM most likely would have helped but she passed when I was a child.

Db and I used to have sleepovers every weekend at DGM to give our parents a break. We even lived with them for a while while my dad worked away. It really is shit!

With all due respect, selfish is not the word. You have just admitted you had a whole lot of help and I’ve not had any from family. Perhaps your stance would be different, especially had you helped raise and take care of your siblings and your family was then reluctant to even give your kids so much as a phone call.

Having said that most of the nursery mums seem to get a lot of help with parents so seems I’m the odd one out!

This is a patronising way of minimising the debate. It’s not “I need childcare”. What most people are saying is they need a village. They need support and engagement and people to share the highs and lows. That’s how we are designed to live, in a close society. We aren’t meant to be in little bubbles and not really have anyone else around.

this generation of grandparents really is different though. no past or future generation of grandparents had or will have as much free time and disposable income as this one.

so many retired early during covid, 1 in 10 has assets over a million, others have made a fortune from increased house prices, plus the biggest pensions in history. my MIL and mum go on about 10 cruises a year.

I very much empathise and agree OP. Our DC essentially have no contact with one set of GP (the reason for which I posted last night on another thread). They see my mother a few times a week, as she lives close by and which I'm thankful for, but it does feel like any arrangements made have to be agreed solely on her terms. My father lives 3+ hours away, so we see him fairly infrequently. I think if he lived closer, we would see him far more, he's wonderful with the DC and they love every minute spent with him.

My dm and df were very hands on with my sister's 2, they stayed for summer holidays, baby sitting nights, loads of support. However, my own dcs were born 10 years later and so of course they couldn't do the same. Or anything much. There's a lot of difference between being a 50 something grandparent and a 60 something one. However, my dcs had an equally loving and friendly relationship with their grandparents as their cousins.
I think young parents are being very blinkered if they don't understand the tiredness that comes with age. And punishing grandparents for not doing childcare is horrible.

So, you got the short end of the stick from both ends, having to help your parents a lot with their own children but not getting any help, or even interest, back from them for your own kids.

I have found most of my relatives to be very disappointing and it does hurt. The family I went on to create is my greatest joy and priority, though. I can't imagine ever not wanting any of them around or not wanting to help them out if I can.

Otherwise, I would focus on trying to form one or more close friendships. Shared DNA alone is perhaps not the best indicator of who to call "family." Best wishes.

Yes, I am familiar with this as well. PIL comment on how often their friends see their DGC now grown up - but the difference is that all those friends did some childcare, mostly not regular but often enough. PIL did basically none. MIL worked part time and it would have been very easy to have driven here and back in a day in her late 50s as my Dad did occasionally and as I do now the reverse way - at the same age as she was then - but she never did. BIL and family are in the same town. SIL notes that they never had DNs after school for tea after they were retired whereas her parents did one day a week every week. So DNs often help pop down to visit the other DGPs but not PIL.

I think I’m the other way around. My parents weren’t at all interested in my children, their only grandchildren. Never remembered their birthdays, never even asked what they were doing. I try to be involved without being intrusive, contribute towards school trips/uniform/hobbies, send pocket money etc.. Make sure I treat step gc same as gc.
Always thought it was sad my parents were so disinterested yet my lovely aunt would have loved to be a granny. Her dd died suddenly in her 20s ( misdiagnosis by doctor) and her son had no children.

Most of those who 'need a village' are looking to get and not to give. 🙄

I don't know why you're suprised? They palmed the younger kids off on you as a teenager, and were uninterested in you all as adults! They're self absorbed and selfish. My parents were the same way. My mother only baby sat once for 3 hours, she told me she wouldn't be doing that again because she had to watch her cry?! I asked if she tried talking to my 2 year old, or distracting her, even hugging her? She said no, she just sat and watched her cry for 20 minutes, and it felt like too much hard work?! Last time she ever baby sat. My mum died 6 years ago and none of us cried. She didn't leave a hole behind, because we never spent time together! It was as a neighbour had passed. I was unfazed and the teenage children weren't bothered at all. I do wish we were closer and the kids had great relationships with them, but it's done and never going to happen now. Remember all this when they're old and ask for help.

I would say from what I see grandparents are far more involved in every day life than they used to be.

Where I work there are several groups with grandparent age who now stop meeting in the holidays because so many are caring for the children. It's not infrequent that you'll notice someone hasn't been for a while and ask after them and be told that "oh their dd/dil has gone back to work so they're looking after the children".

Going and staying with grandparents when I was little was a treat just to spend time with them. They took you out maybe, or just spoilt you on chocolate cake. But they didn't look after you for childcare, after about age 5yo.
Mothers worked less, but also people left their children at home on their own far younger. My village any child whose parents worked once they were school age would have just congregated at someone else's house/the park until parents came home.

Now grandparents are often doing several days child care, pick ups from school, full days all year round. It's a totally different thing. But it's definitely on average spending more time with the children rather than less.

I never had help with my DC even when I became a single mum to 4DC and youngest was a newborn but me and my DH are very hands on with our Grandson he's one of the the lights of our life and we love spending time with him.