To think my kids grandparents are terrible

[Ryleightown]

I just feel so sorry for my kids that they won’t get loving grandparents like I did. I feel like today’s generation of grandparents are so self centred and hands off. My mom had 2 more kids when I was a teenager and I had to help her relentlessly. Took them out every weekend to the park when I was a teenager and had my own life, had to watch the kids while she gave birth etc. And they’re not in my kids lives at all. In fact, I had my wisdom teeth out today and they couldn’t even help me out with the kids so I’m here quite angry and in heaps of pain (which is probably contributing to my bad mood.) I think 100% you should be prepared to raise your own kids when you have them but my parents should’ve lived by this rule too considering I had to help them raise kids when I was a child myself. And my DH’s parents are just as bad. His dad left when he was young and his mom is going through her own issues. Had given him up a long time ago. Our parents were so reliant on theirs when we was younger but absent when we have kids. It’s infuriating. Husband is out of town on business btw. That’s why he can’t watch kids. We get no support and fair enough not wanting to be in your adult children’s lives ( I don’t understand it) but your grandchildren too?

What happened to babysitting circles. Grandparents aren't the only ones who can ensure you can go out.

You need to read that post again.

That poster is agreeing and empathising with you.

This sounds like Dickensian/Victorian levels of child labour/exploitation that was probably illegal. How on earth did you manage to attend school and do your homework?

Your parents sound terrible to the point of abusive. I hope you don't have anything more to do with them and I certainly wouldn't let them have any interaction with my children.

Not in my opinion. But I suppose it depends on your view of what giving/ getting is.

for example, I’d love for a big happy family Christmas, a houseful.

For my parents to spend Christmas with us - is that giving or getting? Or just sharing a moment? I’d host, I’d not expect any food/ gift or prep from them in anyway. Just spend time with the children, enjoying their company.

they would see it as an onerous uncomfortable task, and see it as them “giving” and doing childcare (by this they mean interacting with the children even when we are in the same room and would sort all of their actual needs eg food, naps)

But then there's no excuse to bash them.
(Clearly tongue in cheek comment).

Families spending Christmas together isn't creating a village though.

This is exactly how we managed. About 5 families. It really worked very well. And it would be even easier nowadays with Whatsapp.

I don’t think it should be a given that GP’s get very involved with GKids, and particularly in terms of childcare. I had one set of lovely GP’s who loved us and we shared time with, the occasional sleepover but Mum had got everything organised as my GM wasn’t that well. (My other GPs were deceased before I was born). But they weren’t obligated to some sort of child care rota, or responsible for things like school pick ups etc……. We holidayed with them as well, and saw an awful lot of them but it was never “duty”.

Having children to me is about considering almost every aspect of their well being, care, commitment, sacrificing a lot in terms of personal life, even thinking around how it will change the dynamics of a relationship, earning potential, etc…. For most people (not all I know sadly) having a baby is the easy bit. It’s the raising, finding time, coping with everything that comes with it, the extra expense, the stress, the changes to relationships dynamics, the almost target driven culture around child rearing that is the difficult bit, and that with a child that doesn’t have extra needs for some reason or other. Some GP’s are very willing to be there, give help, be involved, but others simply aren’t. It’s something to think about before children come along really.

It’s an example of them being part of said village. To want to spend time together.

If you actually read my post, I’m addressing your point of people ‘wanting rather than giving’. What most people want is their family to be interested and loving, and want to spend time together. A lot of grandparents aren’t, many of whom benefited from more interest from their own parents. And alot of current grandparents are so selfish see they see interest and engagement as a chore/ taking from them.

Not another if these OPs. Has anyone been out and about this week? Wherever I went there were grandparents with primary school aged kids, apparently giving up their week to have them at half term.
I walk past our primary school at chucking out time most days, and again, loads of grandparents at the school gate. When my kids were that age I never saw a grandparent picking up.

When my kids were small I had loads of mum friends. And none of us had the support that everyone on Mumsnet seems to claim that their mums had.
But now we're all supporting our kids by doing childcare for our grandchildren. So if anything I think it's the opposite. A lot more is expected (and needed) of grandparents. Usually because both parents have to work to keep a roof over their heads.

So yep, after looking after a toddler and a pre-schooler I regularly come on here to read that we're a lazy generation of grandparents. Cheers for that.

ETA and I just remembered that I help with nursery costs too. As do many of my friends. We're so selfish these days 🙄

It's not.
You're not.
I appreciate the reply though.

Indeed.
I find these complaining posts do tiresome.

Nearly all the grandparents near me who are close enough to help with DGC do. i.e. school drop offs, holiday times. We currently have DD and her 2 children living with us ( even though she has a house nearby) because both being autistic and having meltdowns led to complaints from her neighbour. We love having them here even if it can be challenging.

Couldn’t give a shit whether you agree. It absolutely is and it’s self entitlement of the highest. I had four kids myself and my mum and step dad helped out occasionally but I certainly don’t regard them as bad grandparents. They still loved and spoiled them when they saw them. I chose to have my children and so it was primarily mine and my husband’s job to look after them. I didn’t expect free childcare care constantly especially as they are still working. I look after my granddaughter when I am able but it’s when it suits us and I won’t apologise for being selfish about not using all my days off on childcare. I have bloody well earnt the right to be a bit selfish.

sorry but my parents (I’m 60) had zero support from their parents when I was growing up. I remember only 1 occasion of being babysat by my grandmother. She and grandpa lived about a mile from us but we only ever saw them for a couple of hours on a Sunday afternoon twice a month and we had to sit quietly whilst there.

my own parents only helped out in an emergency but we saw them more socially and they were much closer to my kids.

i do the same, help out when needed but do not offer regular/daily support.

And the stance that many of us have taken in responding to your OP would be very different, and much more sympathetic if you'd kept your complaint to your own parents. But instead you said this

I feel like today’s generation of grandparents are so self centred and hands off

So how do you expect the very many grandparents on here who've given up partss if their life and their spontaneity, to do childcare for their grandkids?

Last time there was one of these threads damning my generation of grandparents, I found the statistics that show beyond doubt that today's grandparents are doing FAR more childcare (and funding it if they're still working and can't do it themselves) than the previous generation.

If I can find them I'll post them again. But in the meantime, don't blame the rest of us for your own parents disinterest (which I'd otherwise sympathise with you about)

I think it is a genaration issue. Of course there will be plenty of wonderful boomer grandparents today but the percentage of them is lower than in previous generations, I'm convinced of it. My parents had so much help, my grandparents lived for their grandchildren. My parents live for cruises and holidays! It's similar in DH family and many of my friends. A very self-indulgent generation I think. But who is to say gen x/millennials will be any different generally when their time comes. I plan on being a very devoted grandparent, I actively want to help raise the next generation of my family. I have no interested in the cruises and spa holidays my parents live for. I do look forward to a lot more time for reading, that will be my bit of indulgence for my old age. Other than that, sleeves will remain very much rolled up for meaningful work.

As I said above, the statistics prove you wrong.

I'm going to search for them again. But they show that today's grandparents are very much more involved than the generation before.

Because at 75 they're still working full time unable to retire

Not a grandparent, but me and almost all my of my 60+ friends are still working, most of them full-time. They don't get their state pensions till they are 67. Very few of them were in a position to take a career break because they needed two incomes to pay mortgages back when interest rates were in the teens, and most of them didn't have children until they were well into their 30s. A couple of them have been working f/t since they were 16 apart from a few months mat leave.

They are knackered. We all have arthritis and other health conditions. When I had lunch with 4 friends the other weekend, we were laughing about the fact that none of us had all the joints we were born with. Some of them are caring for partners who are even more decrepit. None of them have the health or energy to care for young children, even for a few hours.

I understand why you’re frustrated, it’s really unfair and it’s hard to make your peace with that when you see others who get lots of help/support. They are who they are though and they probably won’t change. Lacklustre parents don’t often become good grandparents because they continue the same approach/behaviours.

It sounds like your grandparents were partly filling the gaps in your parents ability to look after you and your children won’t need that because you’re self-aware and able to parent which is great because all you can do is break the cycle. That’s the only thing that’s in your control and it gives your children so much more than a few hours a week with a grandparent ever could.

I feel like today’s generation of grandparents are so self centred and hands off.

The people your life are but your second sentance is a sweeping generalisation about other grandparents based it seems entirely on your own experience.

It is such a shame because you want them to help or spend time with their DGC. My DF spent alot of time with my DS and they had a wonderful relationship. My DM rarely saw him, never spent time alone with him and had no relationship with him.

My parents had 2 sets of involved DGPs but my DM was always envious of our relationships. If I'm lucky enough to have DGC I want a relationship with them and I want to help my DC.

It's also not fair that you parented siblings and they cannot have an afternoon with your DC whilst you are in pain. So when they are elderly and need support I wouldn't do it.

I’ve reduced my hours of work to look after my grandchildren while their parents are at work, I love having my grandchildren, we have so much fun together, I’m shattered at the end of the day though.
Everyone is different, I didn’t get much help with my children from my parents but I didn’t mind.

You could form an opinion based on some research. There's plenty out there.
Or pop over to Gransnet and ask why a 'whole generation' of grandparents are so damn sefish (apparently)