To think my kids grandparents are terrible

[Ryleightown]

I just feel so sorry for my kids that they won’t get loving grandparents like I did. I feel like today’s generation of grandparents are so self centred and hands off. My mom had 2 more kids when I was a teenager and I had to help her relentlessly. Took them out every weekend to the park when I was a teenager and had my own life, had to watch the kids while she gave birth etc. And they’re not in my kids lives at all. In fact, I had my wisdom teeth out today and they couldn’t even help me out with the kids so I’m here quite angry and in heaps of pain (which is probably contributing to my bad mood.) I think 100% you should be prepared to raise your own kids when you have them but my parents should’ve lived by this rule too considering I had to help them raise kids when I was a child myself. And my DH’s parents are just as bad. His dad left when he was young and his mom is going through her own issues. Had given him up a long time ago. Our parents were so reliant on theirs when we was younger but absent when we have kids. It’s infuriating. Husband is out of town on business btw. That’s why he can’t watch kids. We get no support and fair enough not wanting to be in your adult children’s lives ( I don’t understand it) but your grandchildren too?

My mum did the bare minimum with my kids.
My oldest dd is pregnant and I plan to be a very different sort of grandmother.

I had next to no involvement with my grandparents growing up. Which was a bit strange in hindsight as my mum lived next door to her own grandparents growing up and they were heavily involved. But we ended up living over 2 hours away from her parents, my grandma had leukemia and died when I was 9. We did then have more involvement with my grandad, but he ended up dying 2-3 years later anyway. I think they'd have liked to have been more involved - they were heavily involved in my cousins lives, who lived a couple of miles away - but distance and health was the issue.

My dads parents had no real interest. My grandpa would have been diagnosed autistic today, and my grandma had been raised by a combination of "aunties" and boarding schools, after her mum died young and her dad did a legger.
They were perfectly nice, just these benevolent old people we saw once or twice a year.

Wait, wait, I bet they aren’t as bad as mine! MIL went off and married a man fresh out of prison on child sex offences, so that’s her done in terms of normal grandparenting. Even dh isn’t allowed to visit his family home because this wanker refuses to let her family visit.

Then my mum, who made all the right noises about what a horrible person MIL is, went off and did the same bloody thing! Her partner has continued to abuse children since they’ve been together and it’s “fine” apparently. So we are NC with her too.

Even better my mum, despite being NC, tells everyone she can about how much she has done for us and how ungrateful we are by cutting her off. She literally never once has provided any childcare (thank god!), whereas my own grandmother had me 9-6 five days a week from 3 months old until I started school, then did all the school runs and had me every evening after school, and 9-6 every single day of the school holidays until she died when I was 12.

We have never needed any family help (or expected it), but it’s simply that under the circumstances, it bloody burns my bum that she acts like such a martyr when she’s done nothing but cause so much dysfunction and chaos.

That's a good point.

My mum had me when she was 22. I had my first when I was 31. Many of today's mum's have their first in their mid 30s. Today's grandparents are older than the generations above were. And childcare leaves me absolutely knackered.

My grandmother was in her early 40s when I was born. My mum in her early 50s when my first was born. I was in my mid 60s when my first DGC was born.

When you're my age, you can be forgiven for wanting to travel while you still can. Because we're staring down the barrel of mobility or health problems (or worse).
So it'd be nice to have less resentment of grandparents who want to have holidays.

StopStartStop

"Most parents of adult children are still working and don't have lots of free time to babysit. My parents (my mum was at home) gave me lots of support raising my daughter, and my in-laws (both working) none at all. Guess who saw most of the child and had a part in her life?"

Nice you begrudge your in-laws not giving up work, or working all week than not giving up their recovery time to look after your kids so you are denying contact with your child.

Woah did I read any of this right? Talk about dysfunctional I feel for you. It’s so frustrating when they pretend they play this big role in your children’s lives to their friends and on social media but in reality have nothing to do with them.

I only just saw that post you quoted. Jesus @StopStartStop , you're punishing your in-laws for not giving up their jobs to be more involved with your children?

That's disgusting.

In the poster’s defence, I believe what she has said has been taken completely wrong. She’s saying naturally, her family had more involvement because her mom was out of work but I don’t think she’s saying she deliberately prevents her in laws from having a relationship with her children. Things said over the internet tend to get lost in translation.

OP gave her parents a village by providing regular childcare for her much younger siblings when she was a teenager. There has been no reciprocation of this huge amount of help and support that they received from their daughter now that OP has children of her own.

Surely on Gransnet the responses would all be from involved grandparents??? That wouldn't be representative at all.

Likewise, saying well if you go outside this week you will see loads of involved grandparents is true but it's also true that in any workplace you will have parent scrambling because they have no support network at all beyond their partner. Babysitting circles work if someone is free to reciprocate the babysitting, tricky I'd both parents work full time to facilitate this or even make the connections to set it up.

Maybe people could be a little bit more understanding of OP's position in this. Not every grandparents is terrible but during halfterm, seeing lots of involved grandparents out and about she can't even get a few hours support to have her wisdom teeth out. It stings.

Unfortunately, I think you win the prize for the worst mum and the worst MIL on Mumsnet. Do the people that you mum is speaking to about how ungrateful you are for cutting her off actually know that she is married to a man who has been convicted of child sexual abuse?

Many of us started work at 16 and are wondering if we will be able to afford to retire at 67. We had 12 weeks maternity leave and paid for our kids childcare until the term after turning 5. I don't know anyone who got family childcare. The idea we all had our mother's and in-laws leaping in to help is so not true I'm sure many think we lived in the 40s where people lived next door to families and scrubbed the steps with a fag in our mouths.

A lot of noise going on upstairs then silence............ girls playing in one room, boys looking at boy stuff in the other room and they're all still alive!
Technically I don't need to have either set of grandchildren, dad is at home for one lot, mum is a teacher so she's at home for the other lot, but they don't see much of each other in term time. Mum goes into school to catch up on stuff, dad might be playing golf, i don't care what they do. The children are incredibly noisy (12g,11b,11b,5g) but they love seeing each other. I was even mad enough to have the eldest 3 for a sleepover- twice!

Sweeping statements OP are irrelevant ie
I feel like todays generation of grandparents are self centred and hands off.🤣

Just because yours are doesn’t mean they all are so
YABVU !

Gransnet is a continuum of involvement, whether by choice or not! It's v interesting

If parents are not in their adult children's lives, and in your husbands case not even in his life when he was a teenager, then they are unlikely to be in their grandchildren's lives.
You say your husbands mother has her own issues. Some people are struggling just to get up dressed and feed themselves every day, they do not have any capacity to interact with grandchildren.
And if your parents needed you as a teenager to do so much childcare, it sounds like either they can't cope with life, or they are pretty neglectful.

Your husband needs to be around more to support you though. That is his job.

She seems happy to say who's more involved in their lives in a very gloaty way. Presumably then she makes no effort to visit any grandparents it's all about free childcare if what you say is right.

Some people aren't cut out to be parents and then as time goes by they don't make good grandparents either. Of course it is disappointing but please don't add this to the ever-lengthening list of Booner failings. I am not a grandparent but I quite a few of my friends are and they are all involved in their grandchildren's lives offering love, care and support. I help my neighbour out with school pick ups, baby sitting, and teas for her child if she has to work late (she is a single mum) and it brings me joy. We are not all heartless horrors.

My mum was great. My grandmothers were great- and totally opposite. One was very much: off you go wandering down the garden, come back if you break an arm; let us stay up late etc. The other had a ready supply of biscuits but v strict rules. Many happy hours spent with both.

My dad is a shit grandparent. I will more than likely be a shit grandparent. I have no interest in small children or in caring. I'm bloody good at my job and on being a teen/ young adult parent, but have no desire to do it all again.

I have boomer neighbours ( early 80s) who are fab g parents and surrogate g parents, but their kids live opposite ends of the country.

Just out of interest why couldn't you take them to swimming lessons? We had four and I just used to have to keep the little ones on the side while the older ones when in for their lessons.

Ha ha!

That reminds me of the posts from quite a few Mumsnetters complaining of how boring it is being at home with toddlers and being expected to play with them!

Of course they're going to be thrilled when expected to do it all again for their grandkids!

10 cruises a year!!!? so practically one every month...really?

Not my expeirence at all, but it sounds like your mother placed an unreasonable amount of responsibility on you as a teenager and I don't think that's particularly typical either, although certainly not unheard of.

1 in 10 has assets over a million. That includes pension pots. Anyone reasonably middle class will have this on retirement. House worth £600,000 and £400,000 pension pot. Given the salaries regularly posted on MN, most of MN will have far more than this when they retire.

How can someone go in 10 cruises a year? Unless you mean those 3/4 day ones around the British isles?