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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I give my brother £15k?

195 replies

25doingtherightthing · 20/02/2025 12:14

My mum died last year and I need some advice, apologies if this is a long post. My brother and I didn’t have the easiest upbringing (think low income single parent household, addiction, neglect, emotional abuse). In her later years my mum came into relative money - through final salary pension and the inheritance of a privately owned council property. My brother lived at home rent free until late thirties when she passed, never paid rent or contributed to any house hold bills, never maintained her house, never saved a penny. I Ieft home at 18 to fend for myself. My brothers difficult behaviour alongside my mums was a contributing factor there.

A few years ago I was looking to get on the property ladder with my savings. My mum gifted me £30k, wrote a gifted letter etc. to my knowledge she never gave my brother the same money.

I now have 2 Dc (bro has none and is single) and my brother and I have now both inherited from her estate. The reason I’m posting is because I’m unsure as to whether I should give my brother £15k (half the £30k) to even things out. I’m sure my mum would’ve intended him to get the same, although didn’t amend her very old will.

We recently sold her house which was damp, damaged from my brother smoking (cigarettes and weed) inside and in a state of disrepair. The estate agent was clear that it could’ve been worth much more if it had been maintained. I also feel resentful about my brother having lived for free, while I had little support. However this is likely clouding my judgement.

I’d love to hear what others would do in this situation? Would you give your brother £15k? Please be kind, I'm trying to do the right thing, thank you.

OP posts:
wednesday32 · 20/02/2025 12:18

In this situation, no, I would not give him an additional £15K. You received a gift in a lump sum, and in turn, he received rent-free living for X amount of years, which I'm sure far outweighs £15K, in that sector, he would owe you money. Leave it as is.

TherealmrsT · 20/02/2025 12:18

I probably wouldn't. Your Mum chose how to gift her money, and whilst her will was old she presumably had time to amend it, or even write a letter of wishes to go with it if she wanted a change.
I would think of it as respecting her decisions.

VickyEadieofThigh · 20/02/2025 12:20

wednesday32 · 20/02/2025 12:18

In this situation, no, I would not give him an additional £15K. You received a gift in a lump sum, and in turn, he received rent-free living for X amount of years, which I'm sure far outweighs £15K, in that sector, he would owe you money. Leave it as is.

This. His rent-free life with her probably equals more than the £15K.

SadSandwich · 20/02/2025 12:20

No ur mum gifted you - it’s fine. This is a trauma/guilt response. You’re doing great and sorry for your loss. Focus on looking after u and ur family now - it’s likely that you have been the ‘sensible’ one in the family but you can let go now. Be you.

toomuchfaff · 20/02/2025 12:21

No. He had his payout throughout his life.

It's not your responsibility to continue to enable him.

He will likely blow it, and all you'll have done is waste money that you could have spent better.

Overthebow · 20/02/2025 12:21

No, he got his support living rent free so it’s already even between you.

jeaux90 · 20/02/2025 12:22

No

WGACA · 20/02/2025 12:23

No!

yeesh · 20/02/2025 12:23

No I wouldn’t. He had support in living rent free and you both would have had more money if he hadn’t devalued the property. Keep your money for yourself and your children.

MugPlate · 20/02/2025 12:24

I would keep 15k aside, invested. And if at any point he gets his life in order and would benefit from the money, give it to him.

If that never happens, so be it.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 20/02/2025 12:24

wednesday32 · 20/02/2025 12:18

In this situation, no, I would not give him an additional £15K. You received a gift in a lump sum, and in turn, he received rent-free living for X amount of years, which I'm sure far outweighs £15K, in that sector, he would owe you money. Leave it as is.

I agree. This isn't on you.

Itsseweasy · 20/02/2025 12:24

Absolutely no need to. And don’t feel guilty!
Look at it as an above poster said - he had his financial support by living rent free!

DoloresDelEriba · 20/02/2025 12:24

No. Absolutely not.

BellissimoGecko · 20/02/2025 12:25

wednesday32 · 20/02/2025 12:18

In this situation, no, I would not give him an additional £15K. You received a gift in a lump sum, and in turn, he received rent-free living for X amount of years, which I'm sure far outweighs £15K, in that sector, he would owe you money. Leave it as is.

This.

Allthegoodhorses · 20/02/2025 12:25

No.. he’s already had his share in rent over the years. Bet that comes to FAR more than £15k

Justsayit123 · 20/02/2025 12:26

Absolutely not.

Nextweektoo · 20/02/2025 12:26

Easy, no!

Derbee · 20/02/2025 12:27

No I wouldn’t. Your money was a lump sum, his was rent free living for many many years. He’s also taken at least £15k from you by letting the house fall into disrepair and having it be worth less than it should have been.

If anything, he owes you! But I wouldn’t suggest opening that can of worms. Keep things as they are, and don’t feel bad.

MissUltraViolet · 20/02/2025 12:29

No.

He had years of rent and bill free living that definitely would have totalled way more than 15k without even considering the value he took off your mums house. You have children to consider and he will more than likely piss it up the wall on drugs anyway, I wouldn’t help fund that.

Snowmanscarf · 20/02/2025 12:29

I agree with the others, that you shouldn't give him the money.

serene12 · 20/02/2025 12:31

It's a no from me. I'm presuming he lives off benefits, £15k lump sum might affect his benefit entitlement.
Also you mentioned that he smokes cannabis, he will probably fritter all the money on drugs.

TheSecondMrsCampbellBlack · 20/02/2025 12:31

Definitely don't give him the money. He had the benefit of a free place to live, he is single and he made his choices. Please put yourself and your own family first.

Mrsttcno1 · 20/02/2025 12:33

Agree with others.

The only way I’d consider it is if you had a real meaningful relationship with sibling and didn’t want to fall out over this money. It doesn’t sound like that is the case?

RB68 · 20/02/2025 12:34

Nope, I absolve you of all feelings of guilt - he is a user and you are a people pleaser please distance yourself and continue to enjoy what was your mothers gift to you - hers to him was rent free for xyz years and accepting the damage to her property

potatopaws · 20/02/2025 12:34

He got free accommodation, you got £30k.

I think you’re square.