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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I give my brother £15k?

195 replies

25doingtherightthing · 20/02/2025 12:14

My mum died last year and I need some advice, apologies if this is a long post. My brother and I didn’t have the easiest upbringing (think low income single parent household, addiction, neglect, emotional abuse). In her later years my mum came into relative money - through final salary pension and the inheritance of a privately owned council property. My brother lived at home rent free until late thirties when she passed, never paid rent or contributed to any house hold bills, never maintained her house, never saved a penny. I Ieft home at 18 to fend for myself. My brothers difficult behaviour alongside my mums was a contributing factor there.

A few years ago I was looking to get on the property ladder with my savings. My mum gifted me £30k, wrote a gifted letter etc. to my knowledge she never gave my brother the same money.

I now have 2 Dc (bro has none and is single) and my brother and I have now both inherited from her estate. The reason I’m posting is because I’m unsure as to whether I should give my brother £15k (half the £30k) to even things out. I’m sure my mum would’ve intended him to get the same, although didn’t amend her very old will.

We recently sold her house which was damp, damaged from my brother smoking (cigarettes and weed) inside and in a state of disrepair. The estate agent was clear that it could’ve been worth much more if it had been maintained. I also feel resentful about my brother having lived for free, while I had little support. However this is likely clouding my judgement.

I’d love to hear what others would do in this situation? Would you give your brother £15k? Please be kind, I'm trying to do the right thing, thank you.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 20/02/2025 14:24

Hell no! He ruined the property through smoking. Having recently taken away a couple of items of clothing from my mum’s house, I can imagine how disgusting a smoker’s house is. He owes you, as others have said.

Edited to say: how did you get him out of your mum’s house to sell it?!

DoNotAdjustYourSex · 20/02/2025 14:24

No I would not give him the additional money. He would have had the equivalent, if not far more than that in rent and food. If you gave him the money it would just go up in a puff of weed,

Just think about you and your boys. If your Mum hadn’t wanted it to be this way then she would have changed her will.

RandomButtons · 20/02/2025 14:26

No. His equivalent gift was living in her house rent free. You don’t owe him anything.

Maddy70 · 20/02/2025 14:27

She gave you the money as she wanted to be fair. He was living rent free she helped you with your own home

CorduroySituation · 20/02/2025 14:28

No! Absolutely not!

He's had years and years of living rent free. £15K would barely cover a year or two of rent in some places so he owes you really!!

Travelodge · 20/02/2025 14:28

No. The rent your adult brother didn’t pay more than balances the £15k. (If he didn’t contribute to household expenses that’s even more the case.) Your mother probably felt she was evening things out that way - I would. If she had wanted your brother to receive more than you when she died, she could have told you, even if she didn’t amend her will.

gumpit · 20/02/2025 14:29

@Vaxtable maybe she should ask her brother if he's been gifted anything.

She literally says it's what her mum would have wanted, and the fact she's asking opinions on here suggests she MAY be looking for validation to go against what she knows her mum would have liked. No offence intended OP. Only you know what the right thing is. My opinion in money matters is always that the persons wishes should be upheld - even in cases where it is patently unfair. Not everyone thinks the same, and that's fine.

Ps I know the15k is not in the will - I still believe she should do what's right.

AntiHop · 20/02/2025 14:32

Definitely not.

sandyhappypeople · 20/02/2025 14:33

I think you've answered you own question to be fair..

but in case it isn't obvious, then no, if it was important to your mum that she 'made it right' then she would have either done that at the time, or made provisions for him in her will. She did neither so you don't need to carry that burden.

I bet she gave him more than that during the time he has been sponging off her anyway.

Plest · 20/02/2025 14:33

Absolutely not.

He’s lived rent free - this more than balances out the gift. Well, everything was free for him - bills etc.

Sitting by - whilst the property falls into disrepair and also smoking in it, dirtying every wall and ceiling. Just no.

Funykeudfh · 20/02/2025 14:34

25doingtherightthing · 20/02/2025 12:14

My mum died last year and I need some advice, apologies if this is a long post. My brother and I didn’t have the easiest upbringing (think low income single parent household, addiction, neglect, emotional abuse). In her later years my mum came into relative money - through final salary pension and the inheritance of a privately owned council property. My brother lived at home rent free until late thirties when she passed, never paid rent or contributed to any house hold bills, never maintained her house, never saved a penny. I Ieft home at 18 to fend for myself. My brothers difficult behaviour alongside my mums was a contributing factor there.

A few years ago I was looking to get on the property ladder with my savings. My mum gifted me £30k, wrote a gifted letter etc. to my knowledge she never gave my brother the same money.

I now have 2 Dc (bro has none and is single) and my brother and I have now both inherited from her estate. The reason I’m posting is because I’m unsure as to whether I should give my brother £15k (half the £30k) to even things out. I’m sure my mum would’ve intended him to get the same, although didn’t amend her very old will.

We recently sold her house which was damp, damaged from my brother smoking (cigarettes and weed) inside and in a state of disrepair. The estate agent was clear that it could’ve been worth much more if it had been maintained. I also feel resentful about my brother having lived for free, while I had little support. However this is likely clouding my judgement.

I’d love to hear what others would do in this situation? Would you give your brother £15k? Please be kind, I'm trying to do the right thing, thank you.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! KEEP IT.

gamerchick · 20/02/2025 14:39

Absolutely not. He's had his in his free ride. Hes part of the reason the house didn't sell as it should have.

He's had his share OP. Put the thoughts to bed.

Toddlerhelpplease123 · 20/02/2025 14:46

No. You have dependents. Your brother will just piss it up the wall.

AngelicKaty · 20/02/2025 14:48

@25doingtherightthing No, I wouldn't give him £15k. Firstly, you say that, to the best of your knowledge, you don't believe your mum gave your brother £15k, but you don't actually know. Secondly, she gave him significantly more than £15k by allowing him to live rent-free at home for approximately 14 years (think how much he'd have had to spend, in rent alone, in those years if he'd moved out at 18 like you did). Whatever your mum did, or didn't, do was of her own free will and now all you have to do is disburse her estate in line with the wishes expressed in her documented Will and you would have no reason at all to reproach yourself.

BMW6 · 20/02/2025 14:49

Actually your brother should be giving YOU some of his inheritance to make some partial repayment of all he got for free for so long!

25doingtherightthing · 20/02/2025 14:52

Cherrysoup · 20/02/2025 14:24

Hell no! He ruined the property through smoking. Having recently taken away a couple of items of clothing from my mum’s house, I can imagine how disgusting a smoker’s house is. He owes you, as others have said.

Edited to say: how did you get him out of your mum’s house to sell it?!

Edited

He's now living in our other parents house rent, food and bill free.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 20/02/2025 15:03

25doingtherightthing · 20/02/2025 14:52

He's now living in our other parents house rent, food and bill free.

You’re a better person than me to have even considered it. Why on earth is your dad tolerating this?!

IfItWasUpToMeIWould · 20/02/2025 15:04

NO, NO,NO, he’s had his share and some, and don’t feel any guilt about it!

AngelicKaty · 20/02/2025 15:05

25doingtherightthing · 20/02/2025 14:52

He's now living in our other parents house rent, food and bill free.

Crikey OP, no wonder he's still single - not much of a catch is he? Does he work?

Channellingsophistication · 20/02/2025 15:07

No your mum chose to give the money to you probably because she realised he has had more than his fair share of money.

He lived there rent free without making any contribution at all even damaged the property so it was worth less. He probably had lots of handouts as well that you are not aware of -now he’s living rent free somewhere else so he’s doing alright, isn’t he?

You use the money for you and your DCs.

Beachcomber74 · 20/02/2025 15:21

Sorry for your loss. You said your Mum gifted you 30k a few years ago. Be careful as if she has passed less than 7 years from the point of the gift you could be liable for tax on this. Especially as you said there was paperwork for this gift. If this is the case then the amount left over won’t be worth gifting to your brother.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 20/02/2025 15:24

25doingtherightthing · 20/02/2025 14:52

He's now living in our other parents house rent, food and bill free.

There should be a FFS reaction on here!

Of course you shouldn't give him any money. He's a freeloader. He's cost you a fortune because if he hadn't destroyed your mum's house, it would have sold for a lot more.

godmum56 · 20/02/2025 15:29

no, never while my arse points south.

Harriethulas · 20/02/2025 15:29

Free rent for years and years = he could have saved over 100k easily if he’d chosen to do so. Keep your 15.

AuraBora · 20/02/2025 15:31

No I ddefinitely don't think you should.