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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I give my brother £15k?

195 replies

25doingtherightthing · 20/02/2025 12:14

My mum died last year and I need some advice, apologies if this is a long post. My brother and I didn’t have the easiest upbringing (think low income single parent household, addiction, neglect, emotional abuse). In her later years my mum came into relative money - through final salary pension and the inheritance of a privately owned council property. My brother lived at home rent free until late thirties when she passed, never paid rent or contributed to any house hold bills, never maintained her house, never saved a penny. I Ieft home at 18 to fend for myself. My brothers difficult behaviour alongside my mums was a contributing factor there.

A few years ago I was looking to get on the property ladder with my savings. My mum gifted me £30k, wrote a gifted letter etc. to my knowledge she never gave my brother the same money.

I now have 2 Dc (bro has none and is single) and my brother and I have now both inherited from her estate. The reason I’m posting is because I’m unsure as to whether I should give my brother £15k (half the £30k) to even things out. I’m sure my mum would’ve intended him to get the same, although didn’t amend her very old will.

We recently sold her house which was damp, damaged from my brother smoking (cigarettes and weed) inside and in a state of disrepair. The estate agent was clear that it could’ve been worth much more if it had been maintained. I also feel resentful about my brother having lived for free, while I had little support. However this is likely clouding my judgement.

I’d love to hear what others would do in this situation? Would you give your brother £15k? Please be kind, I'm trying to do the right thing, thank you.

OP posts:
TellingBone · 20/02/2025 13:18

Is he working? If not a gift of this nature would affect his benefits

Tabitha1960 · 20/02/2025 13:20

no

Miaowzabella · 20/02/2025 13:20

No. In fact, the fair thing would have been for your mother to leave more to you than to your brother, whom she had been effectively supporting for years.

MrsMoppy · 20/02/2025 13:21

No, I don't think you owe him a penny and he's actually had every opportunity to save a deposit for his own place.

AdventureCode · 20/02/2025 13:21

But he's already inherited hasn't he, was her estate split between you both equally and you feel you also want to give him an extra 15 on top?
Is he the youngest?

MathiasBroucek · 20/02/2025 13:24

You are over-thinking

CeeCee45 · 20/02/2025 13:25

I can feel your turmoil in your post, but honestly, I'm sure your mum gifted you that money for you and you alone. How do you know your brother hasn't actually had a similar gift? Would he be forthcoming with telling you, or if the situation was the other way around would he now be giving you half? I obviously don't know you or your family, so can't answer that, but it's worth thinking about.
I'm sure you have put your money to good use for your own family, so I wouldn't lose any sleep about not halving it with your brother.

LovelyLeitrim · 20/02/2025 13:26

No

mumda · 20/02/2025 13:26

His gift was living there presumably at no cost to himself.

Not convinced?
If he smokes weed then no. it'll go to supporting horrible gang activity.

25doingtherightthing · 20/02/2025 13:29

AdventureCode · 20/02/2025 13:21

But he's already inherited hasn't he, was her estate split between you both equally and you feel you also want to give him an extra 15 on top?
Is he the youngest?

He's actually older than me and yes we've both inherited equally from her estate.

OP posts:
PeapodMcgee · 20/02/2025 13:30

I agree with the others, 'no'.

However, he would possibly have grounds to contest the will, as he was financially dependent on your mother, and if she didn't make special provisions for him.. But I doubt he would do that unless he got legal advice.

ButIToldYouSoooo · 20/02/2025 13:31

Absolutely not. He leeched off your mum for years.

DisforDarkChocolate · 20/02/2025 13:31

No. He has years of rent free living that was probably worth more than £30K.

MummaMummaMumma · 20/02/2025 13:32

Nope.

PeapodMcgee · 20/02/2025 13:33

25doingtherightthing · 20/02/2025 12:57

Because it was less than 6 years ago I had to declare it for probate. But I won't bring it up again.

But as a co-beneficiary he'll see the money when you send him the full accounts of her estate.

Pluvia · 20/02/2025 13:33

No, he's received far more than £15k's worth of free accommodation, free gas/electricity etc and has caused you more than £15k's worth of loss because of the poor state of the place. Close the book on this, go your way and make as good a life for yourself as you can and don't look back. You do not have to look after him. He has resources, he has to look after himself.

Colacubegirl · 20/02/2025 13:35

25doingtherightthing · 20/02/2025 13:29

He's actually older than me and yes we've both inherited equally from her estate.

Then it’s fine.

Is he asking for the 15K?

Headabovetheparapets · 20/02/2025 13:35

No, not necessary.

PineConeOrDogPoo · 20/02/2025 13:36

NOPE

Mindymomo · 20/02/2025 13:36

No, I was in a similar situation with my Brother, let him stay in parents house after they died and agreed for him to pay me back over several years, not something my parents wanted and they fully got my fair share.

Streetsofkenny · 20/02/2025 13:37

Up to the point where you said your brother had lived rent-free at home, I was thinking yes you really should give him half the money as it's only fair.
However, given that he'd probably saved more than £15k on rent (and most likely bills too), I would say no, don't give him anything!

CoastalCalm · 20/02/2025 13:39

No use that money to set up a nice home for your kids - he’s had enough

CeeCee45 · 20/02/2025 13:41

Mindymomo · 20/02/2025 13:36

No, I was in a similar situation with my Brother, let him stay in parents house after they died and agreed for him to pay me back over several years, not something my parents wanted and they fully got my fair share.

Am expecting to find myself in the same situation. Sister lives with dad currently, has no children and has never worked, but I know he won't see her homeless, so she'll end up staying in the house when he's no longer around. I wouldn't see her homeless either, but it does grate a little knowing she's never worked or has any dependents

AdventureCode · 20/02/2025 13:43

So he's inherited half already, has always lived rent free, has no dependants, and is single. But you still believe he could do with some extra help?

Honestly, he'll be fine. Relive yourself of the guilt. It seems your mum treated you equally, which can mean by supporting you both differently depending on what you needed. Enjoy your money, guilt free.

snotathing · 20/02/2025 13:43

Not unless he acted as your mother's carer in some way, driving her about and going to hospital appointments etc?