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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I give my brother £15k?

195 replies

25doingtherightthing · 20/02/2025 12:14

My mum died last year and I need some advice, apologies if this is a long post. My brother and I didn’t have the easiest upbringing (think low income single parent household, addiction, neglect, emotional abuse). In her later years my mum came into relative money - through final salary pension and the inheritance of a privately owned council property. My brother lived at home rent free until late thirties when she passed, never paid rent or contributed to any house hold bills, never maintained her house, never saved a penny. I Ieft home at 18 to fend for myself. My brothers difficult behaviour alongside my mums was a contributing factor there.

A few years ago I was looking to get on the property ladder with my savings. My mum gifted me £30k, wrote a gifted letter etc. to my knowledge she never gave my brother the same money.

I now have 2 Dc (bro has none and is single) and my brother and I have now both inherited from her estate. The reason I’m posting is because I’m unsure as to whether I should give my brother £15k (half the £30k) to even things out. I’m sure my mum would’ve intended him to get the same, although didn’t amend her very old will.

We recently sold her house which was damp, damaged from my brother smoking (cigarettes and weed) inside and in a state of disrepair. The estate agent was clear that it could’ve been worth much more if it had been maintained. I also feel resentful about my brother having lived for free, while I had little support. However this is likely clouding my judgement.

I’d love to hear what others would do in this situation? Would you give your brother £15k? Please be kind, I'm trying to do the right thing, thank you.

OP posts:
Optimist2020 · 20/02/2025 12:39

@25doingtherightthing I would add the cost of renting a room over the amount of years that your brother lived at home and compare that with what you received .

Your brother would have benefited more imo from living rent free, so no , I wouldn’t give him a penny !

DPotter · 20/02/2025 12:39

Let's run some numbers.

This does depend upon which part of the world you live, but let's assume rent over a 20 years period (18-38) was £500 per month. That's £6000 per year, and £120,000 over 20 years. You can halve the rent to £250 per month and still get £60,000 benefit to your brother over 20 years. This is excluding utilities, council tax, etc. In fact you can drop the monthly rental to £62.50 per month before you get to £15k.

You do not owe him a penny.

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 20/02/2025 12:40

I would keep quiet. My sibling had a large contribution to her wedding. I never married. I wouldn't expect to make a deduction to even things out if we inherited from our parents.

I went on holiday with my parents (they paid) when my first son was born, my sister couldn't get the time off. She wouldn't expect to deduct the holiday costs before we split the estate.

Your mum would've paid for some things for you and not your brother and vice versa throughout her life. Don't over complicated things, or you will end up dragging things on and arguing about all sorts. Your mum wanted you to have £30k, just as she didn't want to charge your bro rent. That money is spent. It is no longer part of her estate.

Respect her wishes and just split what is left in her estate.

JustMyView13 · 20/02/2025 12:40

wednesday32 · 20/02/2025 12:18

In this situation, no, I would not give him an additional £15K. You received a gift in a lump sum, and in turn, he received rent-free living for X amount of years, which I'm sure far outweighs £15K, in that sector, he would owe you money. Leave it as is.

Nailed it ^

Onelifeonly · 20/02/2025 12:43

No, he has had lot more in terms of free rent. Plus you aren't even sure your mother didn't give him some. If you ask, I guess he'd say she didn't.

SnoozingFox · 20/02/2025 12:45

He'll just spend it on more weed.

Huckyfell · 20/02/2025 12:45

£15k is a lot of cash but it isn't life changing, it will buy a 2nd hand car or go towards a deposit on a flat. If someone has addiction issues of any type the likelihood is that the money would dribble away. You know him best but imo you could be feeding his abuse. You deserve it, either invest it or pay it off your mortgage.
From his point of view, life isn't fair, deal with it.

BringMeTea · 20/02/2025 12:49

Big nope.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 20/02/2025 12:49

DPotter · 20/02/2025 12:39

Let's run some numbers.

This does depend upon which part of the world you live, but let's assume rent over a 20 years period (18-38) was £500 per month. That's £6000 per year, and £120,000 over 20 years. You can halve the rent to £250 per month and still get £60,000 benefit to your brother over 20 years. This is excluding utilities, council tax, etc. In fact you can drop the monthly rental to £62.50 per month before you get to £15k.

You do not owe him a penny.

Edited

This.

Is DB asking for money? If so, give him these numbers. If he is not raising the issue, then keep silent on the matter with a clear conscience.

caringcarer · 20/02/2025 12:51

No, your Mum provided rent free accommodation for your brother for years and decided to even it up by gifting you £30k. Just leave it at that and share what comes from her house.

WhatFreshHellisThese · 20/02/2025 12:52

Zero chance of me giving this to him. He's already had it via living rent free and trashing your mums house

Ellie56 · 20/02/2025 12:53

Looks like it's unanimous @25doingtherightthing

Don't give your brother more money to throw away on drugs. He's already had his share in free board and lodging for however many years (as PP have said probably worth way more than £30k) and he's short changed you by causing your mum's house to fall into disrepair. If anything he owes you!

Save the money for your kids.

Waisted · 20/02/2025 12:53

I wouldn’t and I wouldn’t mention the gift from your mum either, that was private between you and your mum.

Fairyvocals · 20/02/2025 12:55

God, no. I’m usually very much in favour of children who receive unequal inheritances evening things up with their siblings, but in this case he had a lot of extra support while
your mum was alive.

thismummydrinksgin · 20/02/2025 12:55

How do you know she didn't give him the same and you just haven't been told?

25doingtherightthing · 20/02/2025 12:56

DPotter · 20/02/2025 12:39

Let's run some numbers.

This does depend upon which part of the world you live, but let's assume rent over a 20 years period (18-38) was £500 per month. That's £6000 per year, and £120,000 over 20 years. You can halve the rent to £250 per month and still get £60,000 benefit to your brother over 20 years. This is excluding utilities, council tax, etc. In fact you can drop the monthly rental to £62.50 per month before you get to £15k.

You do not owe him a penny.

Edited

Thank you for this, and for everyone else's responses! Seeing these numbers really spells out what he's had, and honestly that's not the half of it! I have been feeling guilty and presumed you'd all tell me to hand over the money asap.

OP posts:
saynotoOrange · 20/02/2025 12:56

Yes I would but only because the guilt of not giving him that 15k would probably annoy me for the rest of my life! By handing the £15k over, I could draw a line under it all and have a clear conscious. What they do with it is not on me.

However, if you are not like me then a definite no!

thismummydrinksgin · 20/02/2025 12:57

I bet he was getting more hand outs than you know x

Dollydaydream100 · 20/02/2025 12:57

No, I wouldn't.

25doingtherightthing · 20/02/2025 12:57

Waisted · 20/02/2025 12:53

I wouldn’t and I wouldn’t mention the gift from your mum either, that was private between you and your mum.

Because it was less than 6 years ago I had to declare it for probate. But I won't bring it up again.

OP posts:
Snippit · 20/02/2025 12:58

This was a gift for you from your mum. At the time she could have gifted your brother, but chose not to, he’d lived with her for years without any contribution from him or help. Don’t give him the 15k, and don’t beat yourself up about it.

DefyingGravidy · 20/02/2025 12:59

It’s not just rent he benefited from, also presumably all bills. Food?

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 20/02/2025 12:59

Ha he changed his lifestyle?

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 20/02/2025 12:59

For so many reasons, no!

  1. he’s had more than 15k in terms of rent free living
  2. your mum would have been aware of this, which is why she gave you the money and never changed her will. In her own way, she knew. Respect those wishes.
  3. he has devalued the property by more than 15k
  4. if your brother led a productive life and needed help with something positive, then you could perhaps give him a gift as a sibling. But he isn’t. Why give money to him that he will waste?
  5. at some point he will probably ask for help because that’s how he lives. Do not give into any amount of pressure. Well done to your mum for giving you that money knowing it will help your future. I am sure there was a lot she might have regretted, but it’s clear to me she never regretted that. Honour that wish. So sorry you are grieving.
DoYouReally · 20/02/2025 13:01

No don't give him anything for a number of reasons:

  1. His rental savings is worth more than your 30k
  2. He may have money she give him already that no one told you about
  3. It won't benefit from it, will be spend on cigarettes and weed