Should I give my brother £15k?

[25doingtherightthing]

My mum died last year and I need some advice, apologies if this is a long post. My brother and I didn’t have the easiest upbringing (think low income single parent household, addiction, neglect, emotional abuse). In her later years my mum came into relative money - through final salary pension and the inheritance of a privately owned council property. My brother lived at home rent free until late thirties when she passed, never paid rent or contributed to any house hold bills, never maintained her house, never saved a penny. I Ieft home at 18 to fend for myself. My brothers difficult behaviour alongside my mums was a contributing factor there.

A few years ago I was looking to get on the property ladder with my savings. My mum gifted me £30k, wrote a gifted letter etc. to my knowledge she never gave my brother the same money.

I now have 2 Dc (bro has none and is single) and my brother and I have now both inherited from her estate. The reason I’m posting is because I’m unsure as to whether I should give my brother £15k (half the £30k) to even things out. I’m sure my mum would’ve intended him to get the same, although didn’t amend her very old will.

We recently sold her house which was damp, damaged from my brother smoking (cigarettes and weed) inside and in a state of disrepair. The estate agent was clear that it could’ve been worth much more if it had been maintained. I also feel resentful about my brother having lived for free, while I had little support. However this is likely clouding my judgement.

I’d love to hear what others would do in this situation? Would you give your brother £15k? Please be kind, I'm trying to do the right thing, thank you.

Thank you for your post, I really appreciate it. You articulate a lot of the feelings that led to me asking for advice in the first place. It isn't clear cut and I definitely have a lot of survivors guilt around 'getting out' from our childhood. Given everything we've experienced, the life I have managed to build for myself is quite remarkable. And I do feel bad that my brother hasn't been able to do that. He does also suffer from poor mental health (as have I, which I have sought help for).

That being said, he has been very unkind to me in the past - manipulative, constant lying, bulling, and has stolen from our parents before, among other criminal behaviour. He regularly 'borrowed' money from our mum that he didn't pay back. He also left me to organise the funeral alone while caring for a newborn and left me to take charge of cleaning and clearing the filthy house he had been living in. I feel so much resentment, grief and trauma that it's difficult to think straight, hence me asking for advice.

Your update makes it even clearer that you should absolute not give him any money. He has had more than his fair share of your parents' money over the years, and your parents recognised that. Hence the cash gift to you.

Perhaps one thing to consider, given your updates about your brother, is that your mother gave you the 30k financial gift directly in order to actually stop your brother getting his hands on it?

Oh @25doingtherightthing my heart goes out to you, especially after your last paragraph.
It is absolutely the right thing 'morally' that you draw a line above the £30K gift, but previous posters have made some wise observations.
Firstly, gifts made less than 7 years before death, are regarded as part of the estate and liable for inheritance tax - the liable amount tapers from 100% in year 1, to 0% in year 7.
Secondly, you may want to do some digging around the 'double gift' point made above - as your mother was effectively giving your brother gifts of equal or greater value in the form of paying his bed and board, this may not apply to you, but do be aware of it.
Finally - I have no doubt that when he has spent the inheritance and your DF is no more, he will be back knocking on your door for the subsidies to be continued. Prepare yourself, and harden your heart!
Sympathies for your loss and heartache

its a very old one. I picked it up from my seafaring husband.

No, she probably gave you that partly to support your DC too and partly to even out him getting more support.

OP, reread your last post whenever you are wavering. You owe him absolutely nothing. He, on the other hand seems to owe everybody something. Don't even give it a second thought. Your mum would be glad to have helped you out and would be livid if she knew you were going to give him money on top of his half of the inheritance.

I had the same situation. Brother claims to have looked after parent but in truth used the house as a base to sleep. When parents both died and I HAD to give him half, he squandered it. It made me sick what he chose to do with it. Totally selfish and no long term plan. That was worse seeing hard earned money being frittered away.

Keep it. Never tell him. Don't feel guilty. I'm sure by the sounds of it your mum probably helped him out financially when he lived with her. She's gifted you your share.

Definitely agree with DPotter.

Your brother sounds like the kind of person who is a taker and expect things to be handed to him on a plate.

Hmmm…

12years x 12 months x let’s say £300 for being there = £43200

No, you don’t owe him nothing 😒

I think your mum tried to even things out between you and your brother by giving you the £30k at the time when she did.
If she wanted your brother to have some cash, it seems to me she might have gifted cash to both of you at the same time but she didn't. She sounds like a very astute lady.

Respect your mum's wishes.

Your brother has received some of the proceeds of sale of the house so he's not done without.

Be kind to yourself and try to let go of the guilt that is making you want to give money to your brother.

So sorry for the loss of your dear mum.

@Grammarnut I posted without rtft and read your post after posting mine... We've made such similar points.

Depends why she gifted it to you and not your DB. Would she have gifted him the same at some point?

This would hang over me and would rather give him half so my conscious was clear with no ifs or buts.

It would open a can of worms if he finds out.

No I wouldn't.
More than likely he will burn through his inheritance, and then ask for it in a few years. The answer should still be no.

Nope.

@25doingtherightthing I am just going to add my voice to the masses, so you see how the majority feel.

Please do NOT give him a dime. Between the free room and board, the destruction of the house and his stealing, he has gotten much more than 30K.

He does not sound like a good person, and be careful how much you let him into your life and your children's world.

Lots and lots of people have shitty childhoods, but there comes a time that it is no longer a reason, and it becomes an excuse. He is in that latter category.

Now your father is giving him free room and board, so he has more excuses to not start adulting.

No I would definetly not give him any money. see how he gets on with the money he's been left, if he doesn't squander it & needs money in the future for something positive then re-consider. In the meantime just put it away somewhere.

Absolutely not.
Back away from him would be my advice as you do not want him using you when it suits him in the future.
Protect yourself.

No you owe your brother nothing. Please keep the money for yourself your mum wanted you to have it & please try not to feel guilty x

As previously indicated - if you're not the executor, no, don't give the money to your feckless. If you are the executor, get legal advice because of the 'presumption against double portions'