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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nursery staffs older children playing with my 14 month old

207 replies

CalmPanda · 19/02/2025 21:56

My daughters (14m) been going to a nursery full time for a few months now. She's come on leaps and bounds and really enjoys it there. There's just one thing that's really bugging me and I'm not sure whether I'm worried for nothing.

All the nursery staff have children that either go to the nursery or the primary school next door. For weeks now the nursery staff have been telling us 'funny stories' of how obsessed one of the workers sons is with our daughter. How much he loves playing with her and comes into the baby room to feed her her breakfast before he goes to school. He's 7. His mum works in the room so watches all the time, but it just feels weird that a significantly older child gets to be around my daughter and I have no idea who it is, what he's like and what they do together.

All the staff paint a picture that it's so funny/cute and that my daughter loves it. But I can't help but feel like this shouldn't be something happening at a private nursery. AIBU?

OP posts:
Arran2024 · 19/02/2025 22:22

My daughter works in a nursery and she is astonished they allow this.

Safeguarding risk assessments are carried out for absolutely everything they do. Has anyone risk assessed this kid? I'm not suggesting he would sexually abuse your daughter but there is all sorts of other stuff to consider.

The nursery is a business and will have insurance. Does the insurance cover this kid? I doubt it.

People are saying child minders have kids who would play with their mother's charges, but the mothers know about this when they choose the child minder. You are being forced into this.

Your daughter doesn't have much choice here and yet children in nursery are supposed to lead on just about everything.

If you want to stop it, tell management.

HiCandles · 19/02/2025 22:22

At a childminder there would be children of all ages. It's not the age or sex that bothers me, but the fact that there are clearly extra children there above the expected nursery ratios and potentially distracting the staff. Then again maybe the older children's presence is good entertainment for the nursery children. I don't think I'd say anything tbh.

ChiliFiend · 19/02/2025 22:23

Honestly, your post has made me lose faith in humanity a bit. He is a young child playing with a baby, and your response is "it just feels weird that a significantly older child gets to be around my daughter and I have no idea who it is, what he's like and what they do together"?? Seriously, what is wrong with you - they're not even being left alone together? If you say that to the parent of this 7yo, expect them to be seriously offended. I would be.

When my first child went to a childminder at 12 months, the childminder had a 7yo daughter. They played together all the time; I was sent gorgeous photographs, and my daughter adored her daughter. My reaction was "how lovely that she is getting that special interaction with another child."

rc22 · 19/02/2025 22:23

My only concern would be that he washes his hands to the same standard as nursery staff before interacting with the baby. Colds, flu and tummy bugs are always flying around amongst 7 year olds. Although, I suppose they fly around babies in nurseries anyway.

RedHelenB · 19/02/2025 22:25

Itsme3167 · 19/02/2025 21:59

My GOD!!!!!! Things are just getting out of hand now!!!! He’s an innocent child helping another innocent child!!!!!

This. Most dc love having tge attention of an older child

Hankunamatata · 19/02/2025 22:26

Our yr 5 buddies with reception kids. Help them couple mornings a week with getting coats on, doing activities with them etc and same with yr 6 and nursery kids.
I'm not sure what's exactly your concerned about. That the staff are not doing their jobs?

Anothernameonthewall · 19/02/2025 22:26

Kids are great with other kids. I've 2 ds. 18 and 16 and I childmind. Sometimes they come and say hi to the kids. Occasionally play guitar to them, play football etc. My eldest even teaches swimming to little kids. Is that wrong too?

PurpleThistle7 · 19/02/2025 22:28

That sounds adorable but you're in charge so if you don't like it just tell them you don't want him to do this. I think it's nice for kids to spend time with children who are slightly different ages and really nice for a young child to learn how to be caring too - but it's obviously up to you.

Brainstorm23 · 19/02/2025 22:31

Arran2024 · 19/02/2025 22:22

My daughter works in a nursery and she is astonished they allow this.

Safeguarding risk assessments are carried out for absolutely everything they do. Has anyone risk assessed this kid? I'm not suggesting he would sexually abuse your daughter but there is all sorts of other stuff to consider.

The nursery is a business and will have insurance. Does the insurance cover this kid? I doubt it.

People are saying child minders have kids who would play with their mother's charges, but the mothers know about this when they choose the child minder. You are being forced into this.

Your daughter doesn't have much choice here and yet children in nursery are supposed to lead on just about everything.

If you want to stop it, tell management.

I'm with you and @paranoiaofpufflings on this. I can't believe most of the other responses. I'm very much not "that parent" but it's really not appropriate.

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 19/02/2025 22:31

No idea why so many people are likening this to a childminder or school situation - OPs DD isn't at a childminder or in school. She's in nursery and there are strict rules around safeguarding, ratios, insurance requirements etc.

It's absolutely NOT appropriate for this little boy to be in that room or to be having contact with the toddlers. Surely PPs would feel differently if a surgeon brought their 7 year old to work and let them have a root around their innards? I mean, he's just a little boy who loves playing with scalpels?

It's a structured and controlled environment and this just shouldn't be happening.

PickledElectricity · 19/02/2025 22:36

I wouldn't be happy about this either! I have a friend who works in a nursery and she said that staff are not allowed to work in the same room as their DC if they go to the same nursery.

If I wanted a mixed age group childminder, I would have sent my baby to a childminder. But people choose nurseries because they have different standards and requirements.

You could tell them you're not happy with the set up but I'm guessing they won't change anything and probably just stop telling you those cute funny stories. I think I would move her to a more professional setting.

Barleysugar86 · 19/02/2025 22:38

I imagine this is your first so it seems scary. But having had a little girl after an older son I can only imagine this as a lovely thing. Seven year old boys can be incredibly nurturing and gentle to toddlers, and have a wonderful funny/ silly energy in their play. Most toddlers would seek out an older kid any chance they get so I would imagine its a boost for your daughter, and the staff would stop it if she seemed unhappy.

I am surprised it's not a problem for the nursery (ratios/ insurance etc as previously mentioned) but as a mum no I wouldn't mind this if I trusted the nursery and staff there to make good decisions.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 19/02/2025 22:40

Surely PPs would feel differently if a surgeon brought their 7 year old to work and let them have a root around their innards?

Because clearly performing a hysterectomy or appendectomy is absolutely identical to a little boy playing peek-a-boo and holding a plastic spoon with some mushy Weetabix on it.

<bangs head>

SchoolDilemma17 · 19/02/2025 22:40

paranoiaofpufflings · 19/02/2025 22:06

In contrast with the first few replies, this would bother me too. It's not an issue with the 7-yr old boy.
My issues would be that if my baby was being cared for in the baby room I would expect her to be in an age appropriate peer group, ie, only with other babies, not with older children; and also that the nursery will have a staff to child ratio and I'm assuming the staff's primary age children are not included in the nursery numbers and are therefore an extra distraction to the staff.
If you are paying for a specific level of care I would expect to receive that.
In short, you are not paying nursery fees to have your baby fed and entertained by a 7 yr old child.

Agree. I am surprised this is even allowed.

JaneBoleynViscountessRochford · 19/02/2025 22:46

rc22 · 19/02/2025 22:23

My only concern would be that he washes his hands to the same standard as nursery staff before interacting with the baby. Colds, flu and tummy bugs are always flying around amongst 7 year olds. Although, I suppose they fly around babies in nurseries anyway.

The 7 year old is far more likely to catch something from the baby tbh. My little nephew in nursery is constantly ill, I keep my primary aged kids away from him quite a bit as I don’t need them being off school.

Anyway OP I think it would be fine as maybe a one off but if it’s regular then yeah there are ratios etc and I would guess that when you chose the nursery you weren’t made aware of this so you are quite within your rights to bring it up. I mean it’s a 7 year old in a supervised nursery room I doubt there would be anything untoward but it doesn’t feel like it should be a regular thing to me.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 19/02/2025 22:46

But what bothers you about this @CalmPanda?

Hwi · 19/02/2025 22:47

Your child is not a toy. The boy should not be using her as a toy. I would remove her from that nursery. Very unprofessional.

LoveMySushi · 19/02/2025 22:49

Hmm my sister works in preschool and when my kids have days off sometimes they go with her to “help”. DS is 10 now and doesnt really wanna go anymore, but he did when he was around 7. DD is 9 and loves to go and play with the little kids. I really hope she doesnt make anyone feel uncomfortable! Never even occurred to me that it could be a problem.

OwlInTheOak · 19/02/2025 22:50

We have an 8 year old son and a 15 month old. He loves playing with her, feeding her, she learns from him and enjoys the attention.
It's good for children to have bonds with other children, especially older role models. I'd view it as a very positive bonus of the childcare setting where they're generally with children the same age which they aren't learning much from or getting much interaction with at that age.

Topsyturvy78 · 19/02/2025 22:50

If that boy has children when he's older he will be a wonderful father. Do you not like the idea of male staff members?

My ex's DD used to help in the nursery when she went to after school club. She just loved younger children.

LameBorzoi · 19/02/2025 22:53

Arran2024 · 19/02/2025 22:22

My daughter works in a nursery and she is astonished they allow this.

Safeguarding risk assessments are carried out for absolutely everything they do. Has anyone risk assessed this kid? I'm not suggesting he would sexually abuse your daughter but there is all sorts of other stuff to consider.

The nursery is a business and will have insurance. Does the insurance cover this kid? I doubt it.

People are saying child minders have kids who would play with their mother's charges, but the mothers know about this when they choose the child minder. You are being forced into this.

Your daughter doesn't have much choice here and yet children in nursery are supposed to lead on just about everything.

If you want to stop it, tell management.

How do you know they haven't accounted for him in ratios etc? I've seen something comparable before, and they did have a written assessment.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 19/02/2025 22:55

I genuinely don't get what your concern is. Interacting with a 7 yr old is much more beneficial to your DD than interacting only with her peer group or adults. Being around different aged children is the most natural thing in the world for a baby. It would be different if the child was expected to mind your DD but it seems they are playing together. At that age your child should be self feeding so all he is doing is talking to her and entertaining her while she eats. This is much better for social skills than just being watched by an adult

OwlInTheOak · 19/02/2025 22:56

Arran2024 · 19/02/2025 22:22

My daughter works in a nursery and she is astonished they allow this.

Safeguarding risk assessments are carried out for absolutely everything they do. Has anyone risk assessed this kid? I'm not suggesting he would sexually abuse your daughter but there is all sorts of other stuff to consider.

The nursery is a business and will have insurance. Does the insurance cover this kid? I doubt it.

People are saying child minders have kids who would play with their mother's charges, but the mothers know about this when they choose the child minder. You are being forced into this.

Your daughter doesn't have much choice here and yet children in nursery are supposed to lead on just about everything.

If you want to stop it, tell management.

It's a supervised 7 year old. The bigger risks are the other toddlers who might throw a toy at her.
Some of the comments on here are absurd, would you also be concerned about a nursery which let's the 4 year olds mix with the toddlers? As that's very common when it's not an industrial sized nursery.

StolenChanel · 19/02/2025 22:58

Maybe you should request to see his DBS certificate.

UniversalTruth · 19/02/2025 22:59

It's a structured and controlled environment and this just shouldn't be happening.

This makes me sad for humanity. We need social interaction, we need community, we need the proverbial village.