Jealous MIL

[CJ98]

I am due to go back to work in March once my maternity leave ends, the issue I’m having is my MIL is never happy with the days we’ve arranged with her.
Both myself and my partner are going back to work full time & will be having the same two days off work to spend it as a family - these being Tuesday & Saturday.
My MIL said she could have our daughter Sunday to Tuesday & my mum would have her Wednesday to Friday, we agreed with her that Tuesdays wouldn’t be ideal as we want to use that day to spend time as a family. She agreed with Sunday & Monday. She’s now decided to inform us that she can no longer do Sundays as her partner wants the weekend to spend as a family. As you can imagine we've now had to ask my mum if she’d have our daughter Sunday, Wednesday to Friday. Neither of them will be having our daughter over night, and it’s simply because me and my partners shifts overlap. I’ll be working 7-16 or 10-18 he will be working 10-18 or 14-22 and so we need someone to basically have our child in between.
My MIL has now said she’s really upset that she’s only getting one day a week with our daughter and she doesn’t think it’s fair that my mum will be spending more time with her.
At the moment my mum doesn’t have our daughter on her own (I go to my mums once a week and this is the only time my mum sees our daughter) whereas my MIL has her once a week on her own & has her for the full day. Shes never been happy with the one day a week system we having going on, she currently has our daughter on a Tuesday but because she works Wednesday to Saturday she basically wants our daughter those three days. At the moment her having her on a Tuesday works as I’m still on maternity leave so that one day a week is giving me a break but I’m worried that if she continues having our daughter on a Tuesday both me and my partner are going to feel like we are only having her once a week which is something we want to avoid.
we both are well aware that we are going to miss out on some time with our daughter as going back to full time isn’t going to be easy but we want to try and make time for us as a family hence us having the same days off.
I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of everything & I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do to make everyone happy.
Am I being unreasonable or selfish for telling her no to having our daughter on a Tuesday ?
Am I being unreasonable for asking my mum to have our daughter more than my MIL because it’s simply easier & my mum is extremely happy to do this.
am I just being unreasonable full stop. 😣

I’d love to have a snippet of the childcare support you have. We have nothing and both sets of grandparents are about 30 minutes away. If you don’t like it, drop your hours and do your own childcare.

Just say no, Tuesdays is your family day. I can't understand why she would fight you on that because surely she must understand her own parents want to spend time with their own child.

In all seriousness, its a nice problem to have "oh no, I have too many offers for childcare" 🎻🎻🎻

Just tell her thanks and if you need any extra you'll ask her and you really appreciate her.

Gosh that sounds like she's seeing it as a custody arrangement not childcare. I'd be hesitant to rely on a person like that for childcare, when they see themselves as another parent. Absolutely no way she should have your child on one of your only 2 days off when you work full time.

For a start your child is not a toy to be passed round.

Neither of you work Tuesday - so you should look after your own child.

Is there a reason you both could work an Opposite Day so you have her 3 days a week a week- one together , one each.

Then 4 days childcare?

To be honest if this is what it’s like now before you go back to work, it’ll only get worse. Find decent childcare.

This post is so entitled. Pay for some childcare!

No of course you’re not unreasonable for wanting to spend one of your precious days off with your daughter when you’re working full time. It’s what your daughter needs, and you need time as a family too. Your MIL will have to like it or lump it - she has to be able to have your daughter on the days you’re working or not at all, she definitely has no place insisting on having her on one of your days off.

Why would they? 😂🤣

Your MIL won’t do Sundays because they want to spend it as a family. Not sure why she has an issue with you doing the same on a Tuesday! Just tell her no - it’s your child, not hers.

Weird. Why would you send your DD to mil on your days off when you're going to have very little time with her anyway? Does your mil think she's a parent here? I foresee trouble. Stand up for your obvious need to see your own child.
That said, you're very fortunate both grandmas can help out and want to!

It's not just jealous MIL. It's jealous lots of people on mumsnet, including me! I wish we had some grandparent help.

But no. Your mil can't have her on Tuesdays. If your mum wants a day less then maybe she can have one of the end of the week ones.

YANBU. It’s a shame the two grandmas can’t have the same amount of days but it sounds like there’s no other feasible option if MIL doesn’t want to do Sunday and you don’t have to sacrifice one of your days so your MIL can have more, absolutely not. What is your DH saying about it?

Because both myself and partner work 40 hours a week we aren’t entitled to anything. When we’ve looked into it childcare for 5 days it would cost us £260 a week. By the time we are finished with a full month of childcare it’s one of our wages completely gone. We understand we are extremely lucky to have both grandparents offering to look after our daughter. This has literally been the last resort we’ve looked into everything, if we financially were in a better place (we aren’t struggling but after I’ve spent 9 months on maternity leave getting half of what I earned my when working it’s not left us in a great position hence why we are trying to find an option that doesn’t mean we pay for childcare)

Yes that’s what childcare costs- we were never entitled to anything and it was hard but you just do it. TBH you are so lucky with what you have most people aren’t entitled to anything childcare funding wise and don’t have family support! If I were you I’d be looking at another job that doesn’t have shift patterns or not have the same midweek day off to reduce how much your asking others to care for your child!

You’re going to get a lot of hate from people jealous because they’ve got no childcare
or grandparents that think if they’re offering childcare they a right to do whatever they want.
I’m personally not sure why you’re even considering the Tuesday or why you’re arsed what mil thinks
If she wants an extra day she can do Sunday, she’s the one who said no.
and your child isn’t a toy for everyone to have a ‘fair’ share of. She’s a child and what’s best for her should be the priority.
I’d also be tempted to each take a different day off tbh, then you only need childcare 3 days and you each get a day with your daughter and a day as a family.

Hello, I’m one of the lucky few who had grandmothers falling over themselves to look after my first baby. No jealously here whatsoever, you are swimming in shark infested water. Your mil is entitled to her feelings but it’s not your problem to fix.

You need to set clear boundaries while doing your best to keep them onside. By the time the second comes along they’ll realise it’s rather hard work and you’ll be begging for a days childcare every now and then.

A lot of women do it just to hold their place in the workforce and because it's temporary. Did you not know this before you had a baby? That's a huge demand on your mothers but, if they are happy to do it, you're very lucky. What would you do if they couldn't do it? You will need a plan B for when one of your mothers is sick and can't do it.

Just tell MIL that Tuesday isn't an option. Your baby, you decide.

Otherwise can you go part-time until you can afford childcare more easily? These years are so short and you won't be getting much time with your child with the hours you have described. I don't mean that in a judgey way, just thinking you might look back and wish you hadn't missed so much.

We aren’t asking anyone to look after our child, they’ve offered to do it. We never went to them to ask them to look after her, they have come to us to make it easier on us. We both understand we are very fortunate for what we have & extremely lucky to have a set of grandparents who are hands on and have asked to look after our daughter. Unfortunately it’s one of the negatives of having retail work but thankfully both our managers are being reasonable with us and working with us to make it easier on us.

It’s one of the things we’ve been looking at, one of us going back part time but as we are both managers it’s sadly not a possibility. We already have a plan B on when one of our mothers is sick, and that’s one of us taking the day off work and unfortunately missing a days wage. We both understand that with the hours we are working we aren’t going to be getting many hours with our daughter hence why we both want the same days off to make those two days we do have with her about family time. This is simply just what we are thinking of doing when I go back, and we’ve both agreed that if it doesn’t work we can always change it so that one of us drops their hours or we change the days we have off.

That’s something we’ve just sat down and spoke about, either that or moving our day off to Wednesday and allowing my MIL to have her on a Tuesday so that we still get our two days off together and she gets the day she wants.

I think, when they are doing so much childcare, it's easy for them to feel like they have a lot of say in decisions about your child and more of a claim on her. I think that's a bit natural but I encourage you to stay firm on who your child's parents are and establish the boundary early. It's much harder to back track later. It's good you have so much flexibility in your arrangements.

Agree. Let grandparents be grandparents.

Wtf

I’m a nursery teacher who has worked in several different private nurseries, and I want to reassure you that grandparents are (usually) far better people to provide childcare than any private nursery or child minder. It is baffling anyone is telling you to pay for childcare as a solution, or making snarky comments that you should be paying for childcare.

You’re lucky you have grandparents on hand, but obviously if Tuesday is your family day, your MIL needs to understand that. Set clear boundaries. If she is sad she might not end up with as close a relationship as the other grandparents, she might also need some reassurance.

To anyone bitter, the hierarchy of childcare with best interests for a baby is Parents- Grandparents- Nanny- Child minder- Nursery.

Yep, the cost of working and having children unfortunately. You might be entitled to tax-free childcare if your/DH adjusted net income is under 100k individually. And if you are then that'll mean you'll be entitled to funded hours at some point soon too. Research it.

We have zero help. And two incomes, one wiped out by childcare (two in nursery). But also I wouldn't dream of asking my parents or in-laws to do our childcare and neither would DH!

This type of free childcare always comes at some other cost…..