Jealous MIL

[CJ98]

I am due to go back to work in March once my maternity leave ends, the issue I’m having is my MIL is never happy with the days we’ve arranged with her.
Both myself and my partner are going back to work full time & will be having the same two days off work to spend it as a family - these being Tuesday & Saturday.
My MIL said she could have our daughter Sunday to Tuesday & my mum would have her Wednesday to Friday, we agreed with her that Tuesdays wouldn’t be ideal as we want to use that day to spend time as a family. She agreed with Sunday & Monday. She’s now decided to inform us that she can no longer do Sundays as her partner wants the weekend to spend as a family. As you can imagine we've now had to ask my mum if she’d have our daughter Sunday, Wednesday to Friday. Neither of them will be having our daughter over night, and it’s simply because me and my partners shifts overlap. I’ll be working 7-16 or 10-18 he will be working 10-18 or 14-22 and so we need someone to basically have our child in between.
My MIL has now said she’s really upset that she’s only getting one day a week with our daughter and she doesn’t think it’s fair that my mum will be spending more time with her.
At the moment my mum doesn’t have our daughter on her own (I go to my mums once a week and this is the only time my mum sees our daughter) whereas my MIL has her once a week on her own & has her for the full day. Shes never been happy with the one day a week system we having going on, she currently has our daughter on a Tuesday but because she works Wednesday to Saturday she basically wants our daughter those three days. At the moment her having her on a Tuesday works as I’m still on maternity leave so that one day a week is giving me a break but I’m worried that if she continues having our daughter on a Tuesday both me and my partner are going to feel like we are only having her once a week which is something we want to avoid.
we both are well aware that we are going to miss out on some time with our daughter as going back to full time isn’t going to be easy but we want to try and make time for us as a family hence us having the same days off.
I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of everything & I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do to make everyone happy.
Am I being unreasonable or selfish for telling her no to having our daughter on a Tuesday ?
Am I being unreasonable for asking my mum to have our daughter more than my MIL because it’s simply easier & my mum is extremely happy to do this.
am I just being unreasonable full stop. 😣

The ops parents and mil offered.
I didn't say wow about working hours, I said wow about your apparent knowledge of a strangers financial situation.
Never said people don't work more than 5 days I said 5 out of 7 was a normal working pattern. There are many patterns and this is one of them.

Mil doesnt want to take the child on a Sunday.
Which is fair enough.
I dont know any childcare that works on a Sunday.
So the only obvious this is one of them eill have to gey a different job.⁵

You say your MIL constantly changing days to suit herself - surely you should try to accommodate her - although it wonderful being a grandparent and spending time with grandchildren she is also doing you a huge favour to enable you to carry on with your career and earn a good wage. Time flies when your children are small and it will be all too soon time for school. My husband worked Monday to Friday and I worked Saturday and Sunday so our family time was limited. You have to make sacrifices. Our boys are now men and Fathers themselves and don’t seemed to have been harmed by lack of family time. I hope you don’t take any offence at my post, just putting another opinion forward.

@Lamby225
How does op keep changing her work days to accommodate MIL .
It's lovely GP want to help with childcare but surely this has to be set days , what employer will put up with constant changes.

Did you come to a solution CJ98?

Sundays my mum will be having our daughter.
mondays my MIL will be having her.
Tuesdays will be our day to have her (we don’t see why we should give up one of our family days if my MIL won’t give up one of hers)
Wednesday - Friday my mum will have her
Saturdays - our family day.
people might not agree with it but it’s the way that’s working for us.
Sundays will be the longest day my mum has our daughter, I will be working 9:30-5:30 & my partner will be working 13:30-22:00 so she’d need to have our daughter 12-6/6:30 at a push.
My mum Wednesdays - Fridays is going to only be having her for a couple of hours. I will be finishing work at 4 and my partner won’t be starting until 2 so my mum will only be having her 12:30-5

Good luck OP hope it all works out for you. I'm sure it will. I love looking after my grand children and I work so you're not putting on anybody they were all happy to offer. And that's how it is sometimes.

I think you have to do what’s best for your family.
If your MIL is desperate to spend time with your little one maybe you and your husband can get her on board to put little one to bed one night a month and babysit in the evening so you can have a date night!

Clearly the work you both do is very low paid and cannot fund a child.

You cannot afford childcare and are dependent of it being given for free.

It doesn't read as if you can actually afford a child.

You are both going to have to look at your jobs and see how you can add extra work somewhere and bullet proof your contraception.

You definitely cannot afford a second.
How are you supposed to cope if either grandmother changes their mind through health or circumstances?

You need to focus on a back up plan.

What a mean thing to say. Bad Monday morning?

I think this is a bit harsh and don’t think this is necessarily the case - especially when you consider the 15 funded nursery hours currently available and the fact that 30 hours are coming into effect from September this year - this will help massively. I do agree that relying on parents isn’t the most stable option though.

We are both managers and although the pay isn’t great it’s enough for us to live on. I’ve been on maternity leave since June and have been missing out of £600 a month due to being on maternity leave.
Neither of us are dependent on it being given for free, both grandparents have offered to have our daughter so it gives them some time with her.
We definitely do not want a second child anytime soon and nobody mentioned anything about us being pregnant, or wanting a second child anytime soon.
We have looked into childcare and we are entitled to 15 hours free childcare, we’ve spoken to both grandparents about us putting our daughter into some kind of nursery & they’ve said there’s no point in us using the nursery when they are both very happy to have our daughter & would rather they have the time with her whilst they can. We are aware that eventually she’s going to have to go into some kind of nursery but at the moment we are allowing our parents to have some time with their granddaughter whilst they can.

I’m glad that you have made your decision and feel comfortable with it. The fact that the grandmothers are doing part days will help to make the plan sustainable. Some of us really do enjoy looking after our grandchildren and find having that one to one time with them is very precious and rewarding. Good luck with everything 😊

The 15 hours would be used Wednesday - Friday & unfortunately neither myself or partner work a 9-5 job so our shifts can alternate if both are working 14-22:00 (which is possible, neither of us can pick & choose the shifts we can work we unfortunately just have to work the shifts we are given) the childcare wouldn’t cover us until 22:00 so my mum would still have to have our daughter as my MIL would be working.

OP, I honestly don't mean to be mean, but you have asked for advice on childcare from grandparents because you cannot afford it.

The number of people that accidentally get pregnant with a second, is surprisingly high.

The number of people who have grandparents change their mind about childcare having found the reality too exhausting is very high too.

The free nursery hours could be your buffer to both of them doing too much and not feeling able to continue.

I would take them and tell both grandparents that you hugely appreciate their offer but don't want them overwhelmed them with too many hours.

It is great to have buffer childcare for unexpected emergencies too.

a very polite response to an outrageously assumptive and intrusive comment

I think you are being totally unreasonable!!! You are getting free childcare and complaining about it. You want 2 days family time but you don’t see why your MIL shouldn’t have Sundays as her family time. Am I missing something?

(we don’t see why we should give up one of our family days if my MIL won’t give up one of hers)

Err. Because she's your child?

Tuesdays will be our day to have her (we don’t see why we should give up one of our family days if my MIL won’t give up one of hers)

You sound really ungrateful and spiteful. Your MiL doesn't need to give up any of her family days, because she doesn't have children who require care.

My understanding is that MIL wants to do childcare on Tuesday, in addition to Monday. OP is not going to be working on Tuesday and therefore wants her and her partner to look after their daughter themselves. MIL is unhappy that OP’s mother will get more time with her granddaughter than she will. I can’t see how this makes OP unreasonable.

This jumped out at me too and it sounds really gross. No, OP shouldn't give up one of her family days but the petulance because MIL won't give up one of her family days (which she shouldn't) does sound entitled. I'm team MIL as far as MIL's Sunday family day goes.

It's your child OP. MIL doesn't have equal responsibility to change her life to accommodate her.

Regardless of anything OP, you DO need a plan B for when your mother is sick or can't care for your DD for any reason. You need a plan B for when your MIL can't do it on the Monday for the same reasons. That's part of relying on family for childcare rather than a team. Taking a day off for them only goes so far.

hope you’re going to be giving your mum a good Mother’s Day gift

because she’s basically being a free nanny.. 4 full days a week childcare is crazy

I'm sure the gift of spending time with her GC is more than enough. Some families love supporting with childcare.😀

I’d just never let my mum run herself ragged like that, she has worked hard and doesn’t want to spend most of her free time raising my kids which I chose to have and made sure I could afford to care for properly. But maybe I’m weird !

Well that is your opinion @KindLemur. Everyone has different opinions. Makes it a colourful world.