Jealous MIL

[CJ98]

I am due to go back to work in March once my maternity leave ends, the issue I’m having is my MIL is never happy with the days we’ve arranged with her.
Both myself and my partner are going back to work full time & will be having the same two days off work to spend it as a family - these being Tuesday & Saturday.
My MIL said she could have our daughter Sunday to Tuesday & my mum would have her Wednesday to Friday, we agreed with her that Tuesdays wouldn’t be ideal as we want to use that day to spend time as a family. She agreed with Sunday & Monday. She’s now decided to inform us that she can no longer do Sundays as her partner wants the weekend to spend as a family. As you can imagine we've now had to ask my mum if she’d have our daughter Sunday, Wednesday to Friday. Neither of them will be having our daughter over night, and it’s simply because me and my partners shifts overlap. I’ll be working 7-16 or 10-18 he will be working 10-18 or 14-22 and so we need someone to basically have our child in between.
My MIL has now said she’s really upset that she’s only getting one day a week with our daughter and she doesn’t think it’s fair that my mum will be spending more time with her.
At the moment my mum doesn’t have our daughter on her own (I go to my mums once a week and this is the only time my mum sees our daughter) whereas my MIL has her once a week on her own & has her for the full day. Shes never been happy with the one day a week system we having going on, she currently has our daughter on a Tuesday but because she works Wednesday to Saturday she basically wants our daughter those three days. At the moment her having her on a Tuesday works as I’m still on maternity leave so that one day a week is giving me a break but I’m worried that if she continues having our daughter on a Tuesday both me and my partner are going to feel like we are only having her once a week which is something we want to avoid.
we both are well aware that we are going to miss out on some time with our daughter as going back to full time isn’t going to be easy but we want to try and make time for us as a family hence us having the same days off.
I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of everything & I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do to make everyone happy.
Am I being unreasonable or selfish for telling her no to having our daughter on a Tuesday ?
Am I being unreasonable for asking my mum to have our daughter more than my MIL because it’s simply easier & my mum is extremely happy to do this.
am I just being unreasonable full stop. 😣

If you’re going to start giving out judgemental advice please at least read the facts right before doing so

When we’ve looked into it childcare for 5 days it would cost us £260 a week.

There’s a weird belief on MN that it’s wrong to use grandparents for childcare, and that the only right and proper thing to do is pay huge amounts of money to random strangers to look after your child. It’s sad really. Because in reality, most grandparents are really keen to look after their grandchildren if they’re physically able to. My Mum moved 2.5 hours to live near me when my kids were little. Her life was enriched enormously by her time with them.

@Zusammengebrochen I’d still prefer a slightly dodgy villa in Tuscany to a wet weekend in Skeggy 🤣

I can foresee problems here-your MIL sounds unreliable and your mum sounds like she'll end up feeling like she has to pick up the pieces and will become knackered/overwhelmed or even ill (I have seen this happen several times!).

Relying on someone you can't trust for childcare is a bloody nightmare and can end up with you both having to take lots of time off work, causing issues with your own work/disciplinary regime. What will you do when MIL is ill/has an appointment/sprains her ankle/the car doesn't start/there is snow. Will you be taking the children to their houses in the mornings/collecting afterwards?

I would manage the situation yourself-suggest they do a day each, you and DH take one day leave together and one separately, and then pay for reliable childcare the remaining time.

Yes it was. For the reasons I already stated 👍

You don't really have any point, other than just leaving laughing emojis and sniping comments with no substance. You appear to be another person who is simply green with envy that a new mum has some family support and it doesn't paint any of you in a positive light.

This bit stands out to me:

My MIL said she could have our daughter Sunday to Tuesday & my mum would have her Wednesday to Friday, we agreed with her that Tuesdays wouldn’t be ideal as we want to use that day to spend time as a family. She agreed with Sunday & Monday. She’s now decided to inform us that she can no longer do Sundays as her partner wants the weekend to spend as a family

So first, MIL wants to do 3 days. Currently feels she doesn't see her grandchild enough. OP says she can only do 2 days, because on the third, they are home and will look after their child themselves, and uses the phrase "spend time as a family". MIL responds by knocking another day off the precious time she so desperately wants to spend with DGC, also citing "spending time as a family".

Classic cut off my nose to spite my face there from MIL. She is throwing OP's reason for denying access to her grandchild (MIL's view of the matter!) back in her face, cutting off a day of childcare that she thinks OP needs her for, to manipulate OP into letting her have the GC. it didn't work because OP's mum can pick up the slack, so now MIL is in a corner, whingeing that it's just not fair that she won't see her grandchild.

Hi OP. I think you're getting a bit of an unfair time. I don't think you sound entitled and you're trying to balance needs of multiple people.

From experience, having grandparents do childcare can be more hassle than it's worth. When I went back to work, DS went to nursery almost full time, except for a couple of afternoons because GP wanted to spend time with him. We didn't need their help from a cost perspective, it was for them to spend time and develop a relationship. Each GPs agreed a specific day and we planned work and nursery around it but then ILs decided to book multiple holidays (as is their right) in the first couple of months or would repeatedly ask to change days with my mum or for a nursery day instead because their agreed day didn't suit. My mum would obviously plan in advance around her agreed day and we couldn't just put DS in nursery on other days so it just became a hassle for all involved and we were left in the lurch multiple times. With the benefit of hindsight, I think it's important to be clear when you need childcare and what works for you. It's understandable MIL would like more time and it's unfortunate that her availability doesn't align with your work schedule but it's unreasonable to expect to have DD when you're not working, just because it suits her best. If it's important to you that MIL has an extra day then there's probably a way to make it work by swapping work days but otherwise, stick to what works for you.

In fairness, she did go on to say that the £260 a week wiped out one of their salaries. But I assume she didn't literally mean penny for penny as this poster has taken it. I imagine she just means it represents the bulk of one wage.

You not agreeing doesn't make it a silly comment. I'm also not envious of anything. You're failing to add anything of value to the thread, repeatedly.

I’d still prefer a slightly dodgy villa in Tuscany to a wet weekend in Skeggy

It feels more like you'd turn up for a weekend in Tuscany but the villa isn't available for the first day and a half, so you've got to sleep in a bus stop 😂

I'd prefer the less demanding option.

I don't have any childcare for my kids and have always had to work around dh or use childcare. I realised very early on that if i asked my mil it woupd come with strings and i did not fancy that. That's my circumstances though not yours so I don't understand why some posters are begrudging that you have help.

What I would day is that your mum is looking after your dd for several days for you in your plan but hasn't up until now had her on her own. I wouldn't underestimate how much of a leap that will be. Whereas your mil already had your dd one day a week but sounds flaky. If your mil works the days your mum is going to have baby then I'm not sure what else you can do.

I think its a useful reply. Nothing like a glimpse of what you could be faced with to give you perspective when you can't see good because you're letting perfect block your view. Posts like that hopefully serve to help people see they have a really good thing going, and that if they want to keep it they need to be prepared to compromise.

As you can imagine we've now had to ask my mum if she’d have our daughter Sunday, Wednesday to Friday.

I think this is way too much for your mum-that's almost a full time unpaid job as a childminder.

I agree. Why do so many people expect grandparents to do this? They've done their time caring for children, it needs to be an enjoyable experience and not a chore.

I'm not so sure that's what has happened. MIL is still working quite a bit. She might have told her partner about the situation and he made comments about how he would like to have Sunday as a family, just the two of them, and MIL took his wishes into account (as she should as a partner) and decided to give up the Sunday. It's really not unreasonable she'd want a quiet day after a few days of work anyway. I don't think, if it came from the partner, that it's unfair on his part either, because it sounds like he'd get precious little time with MIL without a child being part of it. It could possibly be more of a couple negotiation? Maybe the partner threw the family time thing at her because he's not been happy about it, so said something along the lines of, "What about OUR family time?" Not unreasonable and MIL is allowed to change her mind. However, it's then not reasonable for her to sulk for make up time.

It's nice you have grandparents who wish to help out . Personally I would have one day off with my partner and then one day alone with DD each .
As keen as the grandparents are it might become too much of a tie for them, MIL has already had second thoughts about the agreement ( well FIL ) .
I would try to plan to do as much childcare between you and your partner as you can .

You then need to make it clear to all that these are the days you need and you can't keep changing agreements with work.

Mil may just have to accept she doesn't have as many days as your mom.

I’m a MIL … I’m more than happy that my dear daughter in laws mums see their mums first
yes it stings a little but it’s only natural and my dear late mum saw my boys more
I don’t get why she’s being nowty with you ? I know it can be a delicate balancing act pleading every b*gger but she needs to grow up and be grateful she sees them that often .. we are expecting another precious granbaby and I think we will
be needed more soon … I feel so blessed .. I wish people could just stop and smell the roses and know how flipping lucky they are to be grandparents in the first place 😍❤️I feel truly blessed and I hope you can get this sorted ..
if you could reassure your MIL that you appreciate her help it “could “ go along way … I’ve found in these situations someone has to bite the bullet and humble themselves and so far it’s all been positive because i know it can fester into worse stalemates and that’s not fair on the children .. take care ! Hope it all sorts itself .. it’s not backing down it’s just seeing things differently

Agreed - stupid title. Overflowing with offers of childcare and somehow still can’t make it work… Hugely long post with loads of superfluous information. What a lot of fuss about nothing!

I paid for childcare. Both sets of parents were reluctant to look after children

Edit : ahh quoted by accident and dont know how to change that!

If I were working full time I wouldn't want to give up my day either. If she has two days (including a day off), she'd be having more time than you do! Can she not have one of your mums days if she wants more time? Or explain she can have any Sunday she wants she just needs to let your mum know in advance?

But that's not what the ops post is about. Her Mil is demanding to have her daughter on a Tuesday which is one of ops 2 days off work.
This isn't about how much support she has or doesn't have its about her wanting time with her own daughter.
Yes she is very lucky to have that support but it doesn't mean it should come at the detriment of her and he dp being with their daughter. Mil can not demand more time just because she is jealous, it's just how working days have landed.

Going only by your opening post @CJ98 , you're not being unreasonable but the only way to resolve this is to let the grandparents be grandparents and find a creche or other childcare that doesn't involve them.
You will have to pay for it (particularly at the weekends as Sunday is generally not a working day for most people).
Your MiL can cry all she wants about how 'unfair' it might be but if she is the one saying that she no longer wants to or can do Sunday, then that's on her and you do not have to do anything to appease her.

Just my take on the situation. Now I'll go back and read more of the thread.

So becayse the mil wants the daughter on a mum / dad day the other grandparent can't have them on the actual working days and the child has to go to strangers instead? What a bizarre solution.

And ignore the fact they have offered and want to look after their grandchildren? Why?